A mom writes in asking for advice. She feels like she is in a mentally abusive marriage right now. Her husband does not fulfill her needs and is very rude to her. He will lie to her and go off on her for no reason. She doesn’t want to get a divorce because they have a baby together. Any advice for this mom?
A member of the community asks:
“I’m afraid I’m in a very mentally abusive marriage. My husband is frequently caught in small lies, and occasionally not so small lies. He has been caught smoking, masturbating to other women’s photos (who we know personally, mind you), speaking ill of me when I’m not around (etc). I could go on and on.
I keep trying to make things work because we have a baby together, but I’m constantly miserable. He makes me feel so bad about myself sometimes, and when I point out things he does that upset me he gets angry and flies off the handle. He always comes back and apologizes. Things aren’t all bad, we laugh a lot. Prior to the gaslighting I would have said this man is my best friend. It seems more and more like we are only in a good spot if I keep my mouth shut about the things that bother me.
I have issues too. I’m jealous, and I have a temper as well. But it feels like I have to pretend I don’t have feelings just to keep him happy. Should I even try anymore? I still love him. I just don’t know that even if we were to go to counseling it would help, because he can’t admit he’s wrong. I’ve brought up counseling and he gets offended and nothing ever comes from it. I don’t want to get a divorce but I don’t know how to continue living with him and feeling like I’m going crazy 24/7. Despite all this I still love him. I guess I just need advice, or encouragement, or to vent.”
Community Advice for This Mom in an Abusive Marriage
To see what advice the Mamas Uncut Facebook community has for this mom in need, read the comments of the post embedded below.
Every single comment was for this mom to get out of the mentally abusive marriage, even if they have a child together. One commented, “never make it work for children’s sake. It’s better to have two parents in two separate households than growing up with parents that hate each other.” Another shared, “please don’t stay because you have a child. You are worth so much more and so is your child.”
Some comments felt like counseling would be a good idea. One mentioned, “Give him a choice: marriage counseling (where you both can work on your issues) or divorce. If divorce, do 50/50 custody (just because he is a bad husband doesn’t mean he is a bad father). Then you two can hopefully co-parent maturely and move on with your lives.” Another said to “Get counseling for yourself because healthy and independent is better than abusive together. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your child.”
Others validated her feelings and told her she deserves more. One commenter said, “Your feelings and needs matter too,” while another said, “Divorce is your only option. Narcissists don’t, won’t, and can’t change. It’s impossible. Counseling will not help him. It will probably help you a lot.” Another shared, “You don’t need a man like that around your child, regardless if he’s the father.”
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This question was asked by a Facebook community member who has asked to remain anonymous.