If you don’t already know about Henpecked Hal, a hilarious dad who loves sharing his observations about married life and parenting on Twitter, let us introduce you. Parenting is a lot of things all at once and Hal manages to condense the comedy, insanity, absurdity, and love into perfect little tweets. The internet can be a toxic place, but Hal manages to keep things light and funny and always nails a good dad joke.
We decided to look at some of Hal’s latest tweets and share some of the funniest with you to give you a taste of what he’s all about. If you’re a parent, you know how bonkers raising a child is. Hal’s a father to two toddlers and he’s clearly going through it. Here are 25 incredible tweets about parenting and marriage that will bring a smile to your face and let you know that you’re not alone. It really is as bad as you think it is.
Silence is a Gift
Welcome to parenthood. You’ve taken silence for granted your whole life.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 10, 2020
No one prepares you for the nonstop screaming and that’s a fact. When they’re babies they cry, then crying turns into yelling and still crying. Kids have so much bottled up inside that they need to let it out. All the time. We feel this tweet.
Consider Glamping Instead
With amusement parks, zoos, movie theaters and more closed, camping is one of the last family-friendly activities you can safely do. Still, no thanks.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 8, 2020
You’re either raised with camping and enjoy being out in nature with your family or you didn’t and have no desire to chase after your children in the woods while being devoured by bugs. It’s as simple as that.
What’s Past is Prologue
I’ve started serving my kids their meals on these colorful plastic trays. They’re easy to clean, keep the different foods from “touching,” and prepare them for an inevitable life in prison. pic.twitter.com/9J7fkKyc3c— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 7, 2020
We all have aspirations for our children, but this tweet from Hal took a dark turn. The things we do to prepare our children for the real world…
*Chef’s Kiss* à la Tweet
Life cycle of my 4 year old’s clothes:— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 7, 2020
– “he’ll grow into those pants”
– “those pants fit great!”
– “boys wear capris, right?”
– “those shorts fit great!”
What’s the old saying? “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.” If the article still fits and covers some portion of the body it’s still doing its job as far as we’re concerned.
We Need This Energy
Self-confidence is my four year old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 1, 2020
Hal’s son is meant for a life involving basketball or track and field. We appreciate this child’s flex.
Compromise is Beautiful
Welcome to marriage. Here’s the new way you fold towels.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 1, 2020
Getting married changes you in so many ways. You’re not only gaining a partner, but you’re also gaining life skills you didn’t know you needed. Enjoy.
Simple facts I’m terrified of my toddler discovering:— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 1, 2019
– public parks don’t randomly close
– tv’s don’t run out of batteries
– there is no actual world record for “fastest at putting away toys”
– chicken the animal and chicken the food are one and the same
Got any to add?
We tell our kids a lot of things to coax them into leaving the park or putting away their toys. When the time comes that the little ones discover the truth, we’re doomed.
Someone Needs a Day Off
Parenting is a full-time job, and taking a family vacation is just working remotely.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 26, 2020
Yes. When you have kids a family holiday is a vacation from what, exactly? Unfortunately, parenting doesn’t stop at the beach.
Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it’s possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 24, 2020
Mornings can be tough. When you have a kid, you learn that children don’t understand the concept and don’t actually care that time exists.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 29, 2018
Parents need potty breaks too. When raising a little one, it’s the most hands-on experience of your life. This tweet perfectly illustrates how hard it is to find just a minute for yourself.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 18, 2020
– only wants to go up on the seesaw, not down
– I wouldn’t serve her hot ice cream
– her shadow is copying her
– doesn’t want to have bones anymore
How about your kid?
We don’t want bones anymore either! How do we make that a reality for children and adults?
Rules Are Rules
My 4 year old told me that he’s not allowed to play with his friends at daycare anymore. Turns out he’s not in trouble–a new girl in class makes him play with her instead. “Why do I have to think what she thinks?” he asked. I don’t know why, bro, I just know those are the rules.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 12, 2020
Kids and their little minds process relationships in the most interesting way. It’s funny how adults like Hal perpetuate gender stereotypes onto their toddler’s relationships.
Science! Send Tweet
“Whales don’t have a butt.” One of the many quasi-scientific observations my four year old makes which I can’t quite refute.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 30, 2020
Do whales have butts? We’re sure they do, but it will take some convincing.
Survival of the Fittest
Welcome to parenthood. Your friends with kids are all wagering how quickly you’ll break.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 27, 2020
Being a parent can sometimes feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. It’s best to just go with a meltdown when it comes and not try and avoid the inevitable altogether. Let’s hope they don’t see the tweets.
My son asked if you could put chapstick on a lizard. I said no, they don’t really have lips, but he mused that you could put it on its leg or tail if you really wanted to, leaving me no choice but to concede defeat in the world’s most pointless discussion. How is your 8 am going?— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 14, 2020
Aha! You can put chapstick on a lizard!
God I miss being asked to leave by a manager— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 9, 2020
Social distancing and the closure of many businesses has us waxing poetic about simpler times.
Learning to Hydrate
My wife just took full credit for my water consumption. “You never drank water before meeting me.” I suddenly regret not taking more pictures of myself drinking water in my teens and 20’s.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 7, 2020
Our insides were all just desert-scapes before meeting our partners. In fact, did we even exist before the moment we met them?
Knowing the Responsibilities
The cool thing about quarantine is that you can watch eight hours of tv and have donuts for dinner but with just a few squirts of hand sanitizer you’ll still feel like an incredibly responsible adult.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 7, 2020
This is gold. Staying at home is the best defense to help slow the spread of the novel coronavirus. It’s unbelievable that people complain about it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 6, 2020
Understanding the whims of a toddler requires you to turn into a revered child psychologist. There’s no rhyme or reason and we’re all doing our best to avoid a fit.
When You’re the Kleenex
The only reason I’m still wearing pants at this point is so my kids have something to wipe their dingy little faces on.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 6, 2020
We’re reevaluating the nature of our reality at this moment. You might be asking yourself, “why do I even get dressed in the morning?” Hal just tweeted the answer.
My four year old asked what we were having for lunch, and I told him pasta. “Screw pasta!!!” he yelled back at me. He’s been cooling off in his room for the last 10-minutes, but now that I’m starting to cook I think this could be a classic case of toddler-parent miscommunication. pic.twitter.com/LkhqDTuAUP— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 8, 2020
Communication is key! That fact is especially true when it comes to gemelli, farfalle, macaroni, and fusilli.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts pic.twitter.com/5M0mFcfiUC— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 18, 2019
Hal is a monster for this but it’s hilarious. We don’t recommend this tactic unless you’re prepared for divorce.
I had to have a talk with my nephew about aiming more carefully when he pees. It was uncomfortable for me, for him, and for all of his classmates on the zoom call. In other news, next time I bring over lunch I doubt he’ll steal my fries.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 14, 2020
Having difficult conversations is part of the job description of being a parent and an adult. There’s a time and place for everything and we don’t recommend bringing up sensitive matters like Hal.
There are some lessons I will never teach my kids. My 2 year old calls her soft unicorn blanket a “blanklet.” You think I’m trying to change that? I’m not worried she’ll be in her 40’s still saying “blanklet.” She’ll figure it out one day, but she’ll have to do it on her own.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 12, 2020
A child’s independence can only truly be realized when they’re allowed to make mistakes. “Blanklet” is an adorable way for a child to say blanket, but it probably won’t age well.
Need for Speed
Yes, people are faster riding a bike than they are running. Yes, a cheetah is the fastest animal alive. No, a cheetah riding a bike wouldn’t be even faster. Yes, I suppose 4 legs could pedal faster than 2. Fine, a cheetah on a bike is the fastest animal alive. Can I go now, son?— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 10, 2020
Little minds are the actual fastest animals live. How do they think of so many questions? This hilarious tweet about trying to reason with a toddler is gold.
There you go! Now you know about Twitter’s favorite dad, Hal. We hope you enjoyed his humorous tweets about parenting. It’s not easy, but if you laugh at yourself, it gets a whole lot better.
Andrew is a Chicago-based writer who enjoys finding the best of the internet, obsessively making lists, and cooking for friends. After studying Film and Art History, he developed a deep love for both topics. Celebrity news, pop culture, and stories that bring people together are his passions.
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