Desperate times call for desperate measures. While most people enjoy wine from a wine glass, glasses are not the end-all-be-all vessels for wine consumption. More importantly, stemware is not always ideal or even convenient. Traditional wine glasses seem to constantly topple and break around me. Not sure what that’s all about! I implore you to enjoy your favorite pinot, merlot, or chardonnay with whatever object is most nearby you. Don’t let chalice-purists pressure you into conformity! A coffee mug? Sure, it’s got a handle! An old water bottle? Of course, it has a lid! Just whatever is handy, friends.
I decided to take a look around the house and find some completely appropriate items that will allow you to relish in your wine-drinking experience. This information might be very useful someday! Okay, let’s think outside the goblet.
7. A Decorative Vase
A decorative vase is a perfectly suitable object to drink your wine from. The one I found has a tapered neck that allows my weak hands to fit neatly around it. When you’re done enjoying your grape juice from a vase, simply rinse and put the flowers you removed back into it so that they can rehydrate.
6. A Stock Pot
A standard 8-quart stockpot is a useful item to have around the house. When you’re not making broths in it or boiling frogs, consider filling it with vino someday. It will be a most enjoyable day. Stockpots have handles on either side which are very valuable! When you’re done savoring wine, consider using the pot as a mop bucket or foot tub. So many uses!
5. A Squeeze Bottle
Another household object that makes for an amazing wine vehicle is a plastic squeeze bottle. Now, if you’ve missed some trips to the gym, 8 quarts of wine can be some seriously heavy lifting. This 16-ounce squirt bottle is a modest size and you won’t even need to lift your arms at all! Just squirt! Warning: it does take time to perfect your aim. Do not wear white if you’ll be enjoying a big, bold red from your little squirter.
Pro tip: baby bottles also work extremely well.
4. An Old Tin Can
An empty can of whole tomatoes is an excellent choice! You will literally be recycling as you drink from it. Wow! Mind. Blown. This can smells slightly of garlic but can contain an amazing 32 ounces of your favorite ‘bevvie.’ When you’re done with your can, attach it to another can with a taught string and communicate with friends by yelling into the can. Not only will you be recycling, but you’ll also be inventing the telephone. Social distancing is fun!
3. An Aroma Therapy Diffuser
You’ll need to give your diffuser one heck of a scrub beforehand (patchouli-scented wine ain’t cute), but it does work well in a pinch. Simply fill your diffuser with a small amount of wine. I prefer using red wine because I love watching it spray like blood into the air. Position your face over the diffuser’s spout and breath in the sweet blood mist. Aromatherapy has never felt so relaxing!
2. Your Sister’s Shoe
I’m going to let you in on a little secret: shoes are designed to be waterproof. Unless they’re sandals! A waterproof shoe is one of the most effective ways to get wine into your mouth. My sister left this shoe at my home, but almost any shoe will do. My sister has small feet so the shoe will not hold much wine. Bummer.
My husband’s rain shoes, however, are very deep. In general, any type of galosh will serve you well. Your husband’s feet will never smell better!
1. A Guinea Pig’s Water Bottle
Your guinea pig’s old water bottle or a hamster’s water bottle works well for wine. Many of these bottles have a no-drip feature which is ideal. After you’ve filled this with the grape elixir of your choice, grab some medical tape. Place the bottle next to your face, right against your cheek. Make sure your lips can comfortably envelop the metal straw. Then, wrap the tape around your head and also the bottle to attach it to your face. The first time you do this it can be tricky, but it gets easier with practice!
There you go! Seven household objects you’d never think of drinking wine from that are actually divine. Bonus points for trying all 7 methods! Cheers! Feel free to imbibe stupidly, but do that responsibly.
**Please do not attempt any of these methods at home. This is intended as humor.**
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