100 Funny Valentines Day Quotes That Spread Laughter and Love

One of the most polarizing holidays today is Valentines Day. Those in love use it as an excuse to be romantic and go on a date night while singles out there despise it. For this reason, you might be looking for funny Valentines day quotes to share with your loved one, friends, or even family that comment on this very strange holiday.

We’ve rounded up the funniest quotes about love and Valentines Day to help you celebrate with humor. Write these funny Valentines Day quotes on cards, in texts, or use them for social media posts. If you’d like to spread some laughs along with love this year, these quotes will come in handy. Enjoy!

Positive Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “Here’s to stocking up on half-priced candy on February 15th!”
• “You’re so lucky to have me.”
• “You treat me like a unicorn even though I’m an *ss.”
• “Are you a dementor? ‘Cos you take my breath away?”
• “I love you as much as Kanye loves Kanye!”

• “I love you just the way I am!”
• “I love you because you are almost exactly like me, and I am the best!”
• “Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sunflowers are yellow, I bet you were expecting something romantic, but these are just gardening facts.”
• “If you were a Transformer, you’d be Optimus Fine.”
• “May your mid-November birthday be a constant reminder of your parents’ Valentine’s Day celebration.”

More Favorable and Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “Are you a beaver? ‘Cause, dam!”
• “The brain is the most incredible organ. It works 24 hours, 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.”
• “You bring Joy to my life, so I’m giving you some back.”
• “On Valentine’s Day, a magnet said to another magnet, ‘you are very attractive.’”
• “A sweet for my sweet.”

Negative Funny Valentines Day Quotes

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• “May your beer be as cold as your ex’s heart!”
• “We didn’t kill each other during the lockdown. It must be love!”
• “I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen as a symbol for Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”
• “Shoutout to all of the people buying last-minute gifts on Valentine’s Day.”
• “Love is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. Thanks for being the pee in my pants.”

• “Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
• “There’s no one else I’d rather lie in bed and look at my phone next to.”
• “Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably something else.”
• Also, the roses are wilting. The violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty, and so is your head.”
• “I already killed some helpless flowers for you. What else could you want?”

More Negative Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “Celebrating Valentine’s Day with my favorite people: wine and chocolate.”
• “You’re the best person to spend this annual obligation with.”
• “I’m going to spend Valentine’s Day with my true love. Food.”
• “Netflix is my one, true love.”
• “One Day, my prince charming will come. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.”

Funny Valentines Day Quotes for Singles

• “You’re the one I text when I’m drunk. That’s love.”
• “I’m going to spend Valentine’s Day with my X… Box 360.”
• “Whoever said Valentine’s Day is only for lovers? I love you, my best friend! Happy Valentine’s Day.”
• “Single? No, I am in a relationship with Freedom.”
• “Here’s to celebrating Valentine’s Day like Han… Solo!”

Singles, Keep Giggling at These Funny Valentines Day Quotes

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• “In love with my best friend. Please don’t tell them!”
• “Be anti-social with me.”
• “To my favorite pain the *ss…”
• “Love the wine you’re with.”
• “Happy Chug-Wine-and-Eat-Chocolate-Alone Day!”

More Funny Valentines Day Quotes for Singles

• “Valentine’s Day is for couples. Us singles have the other 364 days of the year to enjoy ourselves!”
• “I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.” — Henry David Thoreau
• “Happy phony, romanticized, overly commercial, sucks to be single, pretend that it’s love, day!” 
• “S.I.N.G.L.E = Strong, Independent, Noticeable, Generous, Loyal and Enlightened”
• “I don’t need a man to rectify my existence. The most profound relationship we’ll ever have is the one with ourselves.” -Shirley MacLaine

RELATED: 175 Disney Quotes That Will Bring Back Childhood Memories

• “Being single doesn’t mean no one loves you. It means that *cough* God is busy writing your love story.”
• “If being in love is what it means to be free, then this Valentine’s Day my heart is in solitary confinement!”
• “Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand.”
• “This February 14th, take a moment to laugh thoroughly at your singlehood, everybody else does!” 
• “I’m single because I was born that way.” – Mae West

More Funny Valentines Day Quotes for Single Folks

• “I think, therefore I’m single.” – Liz Winston
• “Instead of celebrating Valentine’s Day this year, I’m celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.”
• “I had every intention of celebrating Valentine’s Day, but when Cupid got around to me it seems he had run out of arrows.” 
• “Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
• “Valentine’s Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you’re single and lonely then it’s called Laundry Day.” – Dan Cook

Funny Valentines Day Quotes That Are Very Anti-V-Day

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• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
• I wanted to make it really special on Valentine’s Day, so I tied my boyfriend up. And for three solid hours, I watched whatever I wanted on TV.” – Tracy Smith
• “If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin
• “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” – Samuel Johnson
• “Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.” – Judith Viorst

More Negative But Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.” – Oscar Wilde
• “When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.” – Helen Rowland
• “It’s funny how we set qualifications to the right person to love when we know at the back of our heads the person whom we truly love will always be an exception.” – from Ally McBeal
• “Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld
• “The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.” – Ann Landers

Funny Valentines Day Quotes That Prove Love Is Tough Stuff

• “Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – H. L. Mencken
• “An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
• “Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” – Carroll Bryant
• “Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” – Jerry Seinfeld
• “So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.” – spoken by King Jaffe Joffer in Coming to America

More Funny Valentines Day Quotes About Love Difficulties

• “To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.” – H. L. Mencken
• “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she’s afraid of the light.” – spoken by Dwight Schrute in The Office
• “I just want to be friends. Plus, a little extra. Also, I love you.” – spoken by Dwight Schrute The Office
• “Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.” – George Burns

More Funny Valentines Day Quotes

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• “I got Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, ‘Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!’ Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.” – Robert Orben
• “The thing about Valentine’s Day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” – Faye Morgan
• “Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.” – W. Somerset Maugham in A Writer’s Notebook
• “Being single is pretty good. It’s a nice sense of irresponsibility.” – Michael Douglas
• “The last thing you want to get addicted to is someone.” – Aruho Marvin

Keep Reading for More Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “True love comes quietly without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” – Erich Segal
• “I like being single, I’m always there when I need me.” – Art Leo
• “Next February I’m going to file a lawsuit against Valentine’s Day for singles’ discrimination.” 
• “If lovers get half price off on Valentine’s Day, then singles should just get everything for free!”
• “A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius.” – Maxine

Even More Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind her is his wife.” – Groucho Marx
• “If acquiring a boyfriend was as easy as becoming fat, I certainly would have had one to share my Valentine’s Day with.” 
• “As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.” –Ralphie May
• “If you text “I love you” and the person writes back an emoji – no matter what that emoji is they don’t love you back.” – Chelsea Peretti
• “Whatever you look like, marry a man your own age—as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” – Phyllis Diller

You Need These Funny Valentines Day Quotes

• “I wasn’t kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth.” – Chico Marx
• “Valentine’s Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don’t have a special someone, you’re alone.” – Lewis Black
• “I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?” – Jean Illsley Clarke
• “My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me.” – Garry Shandling
• “This year’s Valentine’s Day I will enjoy long, romantic walks to the fridge.”

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Final Funny Valentines Day Quotes

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• “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner
• “Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck
• “Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband.”
• “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” – Henry Youngman
• “A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.”

Did these funny Valentines Day quotes make you want to laugh in the face of love? We sure hope they entertained and amused you. Use these quotes for cards, texts, social media posts, and more. Spreading laughter is a form of love, we believe. Spread these quotes far and wide!