“My mom is getting married at the end of July. My daughter (who is 11) was going to be her flower girl (I know she’s a bit old for the role but she’s the youngest granddaughter),” the OP (original poster) begins.
“Over the holiday (July 4th, we’re in the USA) my husband and I both were on call so my daughter stayed with my brother and his wife, who went over to my mom and her fiancé’s house. While they were there my mom BLEACHED my daughter’s hair which out even asking me. We dye her hair semi-regularly with Arctic Fox, which is safe for kids. About a week ago we dyed it a very pretty blue.”
“My mom detests unnatural hair colors and has been hounding me to ‘fix it’ for the wedding. My daughter was fine with being a brunette for a little while when I asked. I was going to let her blue fade out naturally then put a dark brown over it a bit before the wedding. I guess that wasn’t soon enough for my mother.”
“Obviously, I’d NEVER bleach a child’s hair. But my mother in all her glory decided it was a perfect time to ‘fix’ her hair for me. This woman used to be a stylist (over a decade ago), but she should know better.”
“I am furious. Her hair is SO DRY and damaged, and the blue isn’t even out. It’s like this splotchy faded green/blue with spots of blonde. I don’t want to put ANY product on it now because I don’t want to risk more damage. The only good thing is she didn’t touch the roots. I have an appointment Thursday at the salon I go to for her to try and fix it.”
“I told my mom we won’t be going to her wedding, which is causing a commotion. I’ve been getting a lot of ‘she’s a control freak, it’s just how she is, it’s not a big deal, it’s just hair’ from almost everyone. I cannot believe my SIL who’s usually the BEST babysitter let this happen. My brother says I can “just fix it” like it’s so easy. My daughter hates her hair and expected a pretty bleach blonde “like Billy Eilish” which is what her grandma promised her, not a faded mess.”
“People are acting like I’m overreacting and that my mom’s “best intentions” trumps my own parental choices. I know people already judge me for letting my kid have colored hair, they don’t see how bleach is different.”
One user said: “NTA. Your mother is a real piece of work… this is YOUR child, not hers. You mentioned that other people have called her a control freak; assuming that she has repeatedly crossed boundaries before, I’d say you’re pretty safe to lay down extra guardrails and deny her access to your child if she can’t adhere to your terms.”
While another said: “NTA. The classic rug-sweep when dealing with toxic individuals. How would you characterize your relationship with your mom otherwise? You of course, right to be upset about her extreme boundary stomping. The issue is not really about whether you should attend the wedding, but how to reset your relationship with your mom so that she never oversteps again. Does your daughter still want to participate in the wedding? Could you attend without having her play a part in your mother’s fantasy?”
What do YOU think?
With a background in the creative and educational fields, Amelia Finefrock is freelance writer, singer-songwriter and nanny based in Chicago.
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