Am I Codependent... Or in a Bad Relationship?

QUESTION:

"I think I may suffer from some codependency. My boyfriend and I have a toddler together and have been together six years, but we’ve always had a rocky relationship, and I think it is partially due to me being so clingy.

On average, he’ll not come home after work three days a week because he goes to do things with friends, leaving me to pick up our baby after work and do the caretaking. Out of those three nights, he doesn’t always come home at all when he’s out with friends because he will stay with them.

I’m not worried about cheating, but how often does this happen in other relationships? I say I am codependent because I don’t WANT to do things with other people. When he isn’t home, I spend time with my family, and when I have time to do things with other people, I choose to spend all of my time with him and our child.

Am I wrong to think he should come home after work every day and spend his time with us, or do most men have other things they want to do more? Should I be so upset over it? How much time do most couples spend together?

Other than this relationship, I’ve only had two other relationships when I was younger, so I’m not sure what is and isn’t normal at this point, and I feel like I am just becoming angrier towards him over this."

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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“I have never heard of a father leaving 3 days each week to spend time with friends and not come home at all not sure where this is normal.”

“You guys have a family. The issue isn’t you. I’m a homebody. My SO is not. But he comes straight home from work daily. If he does hang out with friends, he is home at night. The only reason I am not home at night is work. You say you aren’t worried about cheating…but where is he when he is out all night?”

“He’s immature and not ready to settle down. The problem is not you.”

“The only nights my husband doesn’t come home is when he’s on deployments. To me, that’s not normal for a grown man to do with his friends. Especially being a father to boot.”

“Nope, never happens to me and I would never put up with it. My husband and I are best friends. We do everything together. He does do some things with the guys and I do some things with the girls but mostly it’s just us and family.”

“Staying away from home on a regular basis like that is NOT normal.”

“I would tell him to pack his stuff and go and file for child support. That’s not codependent on your part that’s a lack on his part to be a good dad. I wouldn’t normalize it. Just my 2 cents. I wish you the best!”

“I don’t think a grown man should be staying the night with friends if he has a wife and child at home. Work trips, hunting trips, yes. But no, he needs to come home after work and spend some time, then maybe hang with the boys 1 night, but still needs to be home to sleep. I guess it’s all on you and your feelings. But no, mine doesn’t do that. We visit people together mostly. He sounds like he needs to grow up.”

“My husband has never once not come home and it is almost always pre-planned when he doesn’t come home right after work…because we are in a relationship and have children and he is responsible. We check in with each other before we decide to go do something with friends to be sure everything is taken care of and it is a good day for it. 3 nights a week is not a normal amount to go out or be away from family time.”

“Not ok! He should be coming home every night, even if he meets up or goes out with friends. I get the occasional ‘I was too drunk to drive’ but 3 times a week, I would lose my freaking ish! He needs to step up and help with the child he helped bring into this world! That’s not co-dependency, it’s his lack of maturity and being a father.”

“Ok, I’ll be honest in my humble opinion. You’ve been with him for 6 years and have a child. No ring or talk of marriage I guess? Girl no it is not normal! Do not question yourself. You are home being a responsible parent. And he is acting single!!! No, you don’t get to stay out all night with ‘your boys.’ This sounds very suspicious! He is living another life if not with another woman, then by running the road. What you have is a part-time boyfriend. Your child needs a full-time father, just saying. And if your willing to stay cook and clean and wait for him then that’s fine. But never expect more than what you have allowed him to do.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

41 Likes

The only nights my husband spends away are for snowmobiling trips…

1 Like

My husband hates getting home late from work, especially if he misses dinner. Sure, he does things with friends now and then, but he would never not come home.

9 Likes

The only nights my husband doesn’t come home is when he’s on deployments :woman_shrugging:t4:To me, that’s not normal for a grown man to do with his friends. Especially being a father to boot.

18 Likes

I have never heard of a father leaving 3 days each week to spend time with friends and not come home at all not sure where this is normal.

41 Likes

He’s immature and not ready to settle down. The problem is not you.

26 Likes

Staying away from home on a regular basis like that is NOT normal.

15 Likes

Nope, never happens to me and I would never put up with it. My husband and I are best friends. We do everything together. He does do some things with the guys and I do some things with the girls but mostly it’s just us and family.

12 Likes

Comments so far are pretty spot on…needs to grow up…

11 Likes

My husband never doesn’t come home
He spent 4 mos working 4 hrs away (his company paid for hotel for the 4 mo) and he still drove the 4 hrs home and 4 hrs back every weekend
You dont have codependency, it reads as if hes taking advantage of you taking care of his house and family (the child) while he does what he wants

6 Likes

NOT normal at all. On his part, not yours!

8 Likes

Yeah that is not normal for a “man” to NOT come home to his family. If he resides with you. That’s weird as shit. I’m not being mean. But yeah, not normal. Buck up baby and let him know this isn’t how people live. End of story!

Not right on his part. May be he does this because in his mind, he knows he is not married to you.

1 Like

I don’t think it’s normal at all… I’m sorry a father should be at home with his family every single night… obviously certain situations are different but

2 Likes

I think every relationship and person are different. When he’s home is he loving and attentive? Tuned it, all your needs met? Do you spend quality time together at the weekends?

My Husband was very outdoorsy and independent, so snowmachine trips with friends, hunting, fishing, mountain climbing, these were all regular normal activities he did. He also worked away a lot. But I knew where he was, we communicated about it in advance, it was on the family calender, and we still had plenty of family time. I didn’t go away overnight, but I had plenty of days in the city shopping and lunching with friends while he watched the kids, so we were each doing our own things and getting our needs met.

So it really depends on you as an individual, and you two as a couple. Do you feel happy and content, are your needs being met? And if they’re not, is it something you can communicate about.

Other friends have Husbands who are homebodies, and never go out, and I think “how do those wives cope!?” Cooking dinner every night for them, what a faff! I used to love my nights off when Hubby was gone :joy:

1 Like

Bull shit drop his ass. My man always comes home… also if he’s going on a guys trip I know when he is first planning it… maybe if your codependent on yourself and leave him maybe he will miss and fight for you you deserve so much better.

I think it’s different for everyone. Whatever makes you and him happy is what’s good for you.
I spend A Lot of time with my husband and I could spend more. We both work from home and do most everything together.

You have every right to be angry if a man isn’t pulling his weight in the home it’s bound to happen. Also a little strange that he wouldn’t come home at all. My husband would go out here and there (like once or twice a month) after work would be home before the kids go to bed at the latest and says how much fun he has but also how much he missed us. He also tells me to get out and do things too which is needed! I will say communication really is super important!!

2 Likes

Not normal. Pre-pandemic, my husband would sometimes do bar trivia but he was always home by like 9 and always check with me that I was ok before he went

5 Likes

This does not seem normal at all to me…
My husband has NEVER not come home.

12 Likes