"I think I may suffer from some codependency. My boyfriend and I have a toddler together and have been together six years, but we’ve always had a rocky relationship, and I think it is partially due to me being so clingy.
On average, he’ll not come home after work three days a week because he goes to do things with friends, leaving me to pick up our baby after work and do the caretaking. Out of those three nights, he doesn’t always come home at all when he’s out with friends because he will stay with them.
I’m not worried about cheating, but how often does this happen in other relationships? I say I am codependent because I don’t WANT to do things with other people. When he isn’t home, I spend time with my family, and when I have time to do things with other people, I choose to spend all of my time with him and our child.
Am I wrong to think he should come home after work every day and spend his time with us, or do most men have other things they want to do more? Should I be so upset over it? How much time do most couples spend together?
Other than this relationship, I’ve only had two other relationships when I was younger, so I’m not sure what is and isn’t normal at this point, and I feel like I am just becoming angrier towards him over this."
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“I have never heard of a father leaving 3 days each week to spend time with friends and not come home at all not sure where this is normal.”
“You guys have a family. The issue isn’t you. I’m a homebody. My SO is not. But he comes straight home from work daily. If he does hang out with friends, he is home at night. The only reason I am not home at night is work. You say you aren’t worried about cheating…but where is he when he is out all night?”
“He’s immature and not ready to settle down. The problem is not you.”
“The only nights my husband doesn’t come home is when he’s on deployments. To me, that’s not normal for a grown man to do with his friends. Especially being a father to boot.”
“Nope, never happens to me and I would never put up with it. My husband and I are best friends. We do everything together. He does do some things with the guys and I do some things with the girls but mostly it’s just us and family.”
“Staying away from home on a regular basis like that is NOT normal.”
“I would tell him to pack his stuff and go and file for child support. That’s not codependent on your part that’s a lack on his part to be a good dad. I wouldn’t normalize it. Just my 2 cents. I wish you the best!”
“I don’t think a grown man should be staying the night with friends if he has a wife and child at home. Work trips, hunting trips, yes. But no, he needs to come home after work and spend some time, then maybe hang with the boys 1 night, but still needs to be home to sleep. I guess it’s all on you and your feelings. But no, mine doesn’t do that. We visit people together mostly. He sounds like he needs to grow up.”
“My husband has never once not come home and it is almost always pre-planned when he doesn’t come home right after work…because we are in a relationship and have children and he is responsible. We check in with each other before we decide to go do something with friends to be sure everything is taken care of and it is a good day for it. 3 nights a week is not a normal amount to go out or be away from family time.”
“Not ok! He should be coming home every night, even if he meets up or goes out with friends. I get the occasional ‘I was too drunk to drive’ but 3 times a week, I would lose my freaking ish! He needs to step up and help with the child he helped bring into this world! That’s not co-dependency, it’s his lack of maturity and being a father.”
“Ok, I’ll be honest in my humble opinion. You’ve been with him for 6 years and have a child. No ring or talk of marriage I guess? Girl no it is not normal! Do not question yourself. You are home being a responsible parent. And he is acting single!!! No, you don’t get to stay out all night with ‘your boys.’ This sounds very suspicious! He is living another life if not with another woman, then by running the road. What you have is a part-time boyfriend. Your child needs a full-time father, just saying. And if your willing to stay cook and clean and wait for him then that’s fine. But never expect more than what you have allowed him to do.”
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