Am I wrong to be concerned about my exes girlfriend watching my daughter?

Hello, I’d like to ask some advice from some other moms. I’d like to remain anonymous. My husband and I separated almost a year ago. 2 months ago he met someone and moved in after a month. We have no custody order and he has always seen her every other weekend and one day a week, at least. More If he asks or wants her. After he met his gf he continued his visitation at his moms where he had been living, however his gf bought a house over an hour away from our child. He moved in a few weeks ago and I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with our daughter spending the night but bc were heading for custody court I consulted with my lawyer and she said not to keep her from her dad no matter how I felt. I would also like to add his gf has two kids and one of the kids is a teenage boy, which was part of my concern besides the fact that it’s a new relationship and my ex and I are not even divorced yet and this is the 3rd woman he’s dated and had our child around. I had asked that he go slow with introducing our daughter which he did not do. Our communication is awful and we constantly argue bc my ex has switched to evening so he is no longer able to take our daughter when he used to. He suddenly asked for 50/50 custody and I told him I have no idea how that would work when he works from 4p to 2a. He said his gf would watch our daughter while he is at work and while he sleeps in the morning. I do not feel comfortable with that. I have told him he can see her any morning he wants besides when she is at daycare which is 2 days a week. And he can have her every other weekend as usual and that if he wants her more we can work on it. I’m work 3 12 hour shifts so I’m able to be home with her 4 days a week. He thinks that Bc my grandmother watches her those two nights until 8p that it’s equivalent to his gf watching her 3 or 4 nights a week. So my question is, would you feel comfortable with your ex’s girlfriend of two months watching your daughter that many nights a week and alone? I truly want to know if I’m being unreasonable. I haven’t met her despite asking to and I have spoken to her once just a hello via text. She seems like she is a nice person and it’s mostly bc she’s new to me and our daughter, who is two by the way. One day if they’re still together and serious and everyone is used to each other I would reconsider for sure. But it’s all so new I feel like we all need time.

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What is the point of 50/50 if he is literally not going to be there. Bringing people in and out of hwr life isn’t healthy. Being an hour away isn’t conducive to 50/50 custody. Especially when she is of school age. This isnt a long term solution.

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You need to meet her and her kids… Especially if this relationship is getting serious. I’m sure he wants to keep her just as safe as you do. Maybe you guys could meet up and get lunch or dinner when exchanging your child.

You will never be able to fully control who he has your guys’ daughter around unless you have full legal and physical custody. If these are your only concerns, you likely have no grounds for that.

Stop trying to control him and her fully and work with him. Meet the girlfriend and meet the kids. Not everybody is bad.

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Send her a message and ask to get together for coffee, I think she would appreciate that and then go from there

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So some of both you should definitely ask if you guys could meet up and get to know each other and also have a real conversation include her in it let her know you simply do not know her and your daughter is young so maybe this is a schedule you could work towards ( like in the future). Many parenting agreements have right to first refusal so basically if the parent cannot be there you have first rights to take care of the child . This would go both ways .

Well I can certainly see where trust issues abound! But you are great for trying to do the right thing! It’s a bit problematic but I sure don’t see why, if everyone is on the same page, it can’t work out juyst fine! I would definitely have boundaries, and YOU make the rules! But going forward, it’s a start. The bottom line for me is always, always trust your instincts. If it feels wrong in any way, it probably is! And I do believe women have a special knack for this, mothers and just , females in general, I think they know.

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I watch my partners daughter and spend most of his visitation with her due to his work schedule. HOWEVER I myself made it a rule that I wanted to meet her mom first before I met her. That it had to be a serious relationship interest and not a fling. I also have a child and have my reserves about the situation as well. Would his child possibly become more of a priority over mine due to my child not being his? Would I be falsely accused of things due to mom being concerned? Would I be forced into uncomfortable conflicts? I laid these boundaries out with him, and sat down with her mother. We addressed I’m not here to be her child’s mother. I’m not here to overstep or take over. I’m here because I love her father, and I love her as well because they’re a package deal. Am I going to treat your child like they are not mine? Absolutely not because I refuse to let that child feel less loved or left out. However, will I say I’m mom and over step boundaries? No, I’ll help where I’m needed and the child will be loved none the less. The question is are you gonna make it a problem for the girlfriend? Not saying you are but I’m just thinking maybe you should talk to the girlfriend instead of your partner. My partners CM and I have a better relationship than he does with her lol.

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Well I can understand you not being comfortable but I’m not sure you can do much about it. When it’s his time (whatever the court gives him) he can have her around whoever he wants as long as it isn’t a danger to her. Unless you can get the court to put in something where only you or him could watch her which I’m not sure if they will do or how far you want to go with this. I would try again to meet her, maybe that would make you feel more comfortable having your daughter around her.

As the girlfriend in a situation like this:

My ex had his daughter every other weekend Friday through Sunday. We lived 2.5 hours away and were driving to where mom lived and sleeping on one of his friends couch to see his daughter. Then we got an apartment across town from where mom lived, but he started 2 jobs one of which was night shift and weekends which meant it was me who took care of his daughter Friday and Saturday night while he was at work. Mom didn’t like it at first, but later on down the road she was grateful I was there to watch the daughter and take care of her.

Give dad a break and don’t try to control who he has around the child or how his custody visits go. This girl doesn’t mean any harm to your child. Plus it sounds like you are having someone watch your child while you work so that’s not any different than him having someone watch the child while he works.

ETA: dad and I have since divorced and no longer speak, but mom and I stay in touch because we became civil for daughters sake and made a bond.

If this is your ex GF then he should not leave the child with her. This is his kid.

A big fat no from me.

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I don’t see this as “controlling” the father. I see it as trying to make sure your daughter is safe. As of now you don’t have court ordered custody, so you could keep your daughter away unless you know it’s her father there to watch her. Would that be right? It honestly just depends on your full situation. If the girlfriend seems nice, you need to meet her and her children. The reason I say her children is because one is a teenager and you need to see how he is around your daughter (since you are concerned). I don’t think you should keep your daughter away but I think you need to meet everyone.

The biggest thing I can advise you is to talk to your daughter about her private areas. Make sure she knows that no one should touch her and if someone does that she needs to tell you. I know she’s 2 but if you explain this to her, she might come and tell you. This is the time to get books about these things so that it’s instilled at an early age what abuse is and that it’s wrong and she should tell you.

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You need to befriend her and get to know her especially if she is involved in your ex’s life and now you child’s. The best thing you can do to make all these adjustments easy for your child is to co parent peacefully.

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It’s as simple as you don’t get to control what dad does on his parenting time. So for your daughters sake work out a situation you all agree on and stop being controlling.

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Hell no. Just 2 months? He better wait at least 6months to even know if they are staying together first. What type of example is he setting if he brings her around every gf? :nauseated_face: Absolute no until then and until you meet her.

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Honestly, from a legal standpoint, yes your being unreasonable. Her Dad has PR too, he is legally and morally allowed to choose who watches her, just like your allowed to. I get your concerns, I really do, but it just seems controlling. He’s allowed 50/50, and what he does on that time really isn’t for you to say. Now if he had a history of drug or alcohol abuse, criminal past, anything to indicate that she would be unsafe, that would be different. But just not knowing the woman, and not approving of him having multiple girlfriends isn’t grounds.

Invite her out for coffee, make friends. But don’t try to control the situation or act like you have any say in the matter of whether the gf babysits, because legally you don’t.

If this is the type of thing that leads to arguments with your Ex I’d seriously think about checking yourself and biting your tongue. There just isn’t any point chewing them out for things that you don’t approve of but legally don’t have a say over, it just leads to animosity. Better to smile and be friends, even if you don’t agree with what they’re doing. Unfortunately I do think as separated parents we do have to change our expectations.

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Fight him in court on the 50/50. I wouldn’t agree to it under those conditions. There’s no reason for her to be with his gf if she can be with you.

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You have to trust that he wouldn’t have her around someone who would put her in danger. While I don’t agree with kids being subjected to meeting every single person their parent dates, legally there is nothing you can do about it.

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I’ve seen this from the other side I was the woman my stepkids mother didnt want her kids to be looked after by and refused to let them come during holidays if their dad was working etc. His life has moved on as has yours and he can’t and shouldn’t keep the two elements of his life separate. I do have kids now myself and I can understand how hard it is to see another woman “filling your spot” but she may end up being a positive presence in their life and you should hope that as they are a part of each others lives that they build a loving and respectful relationship don’t worry they won’t ever see her through the same eyes that they see you. Honestly I would discuss meeting up and try and have a civil relationship for the sake of your kids work with each other not against each other.