Do you SO provide entirely for your household? Like bills, groceries, extras? Does he give you any money for yourself and or does he save so that you can get things if you need them? I am currently a STAHM (not by choice). Although I love my kids, I was making great money working. But bc my husband had a bad childhood experience in daycare, he refuses to let the kids go, and I had to be the one to sacrifice everything. It wouldn’t be so bad, but we never have any money, he never saves, and when I offered to take care of the finances, he argues with me bc it’s “his money” … I have to wait around for financial aid, or extra money that I bring in from school to ever get my hair done, any extra clothes, or even get out of this house (which is also always an argument). I never have anything I need ( or want, really) and find myself calling my mother (I’m a grown adult) to borrow money. I am getting really tired of it, but my SO wont even discuss the idea of me going back to work. So my real question is, am I being selfish? is this normal SAHM stuff? or does you SO provide the essentials and still has left over?
This seems like a controlling, unhealthy relationship I’m sorry you’re going through this.
It’s called financial abuse. Part of the 13 systems of abuse. Holding space for you Mama
This is financial abuse
This is definitely financial abuse.
Its controlling behavior. It’s financial abuse.
While it seems abusive, would you 2 be able to work opposite shifts so daycare isn’t necessary and you still have 2 incomes?
Similar situation but different…I’m the one who works and hubby is the SAHD for many similar reasons. We each have “fun money” we get every paycheck. Being a stay at home parent is exhausting, I’ve seen that now that we’re all home, and he deserves more but it’s what we do for now. It’s important for us to have money to buy things we each want, without question. It’s helped us a lot. Might be something to discuss with your partner.
Get someone to watch them kids and get your job. This will NEVER end. Believe me!
Sounds like your SO is a real Dick…
This is absolutely not ok. I grew up in a household like this, and it is abusive.
Hire a nanny. If there is that control or the words my money, or his secretive with where the money goes is too suspicious for me to ignore and I would peace out.
You are 100% NOT SELFISH!!! If he doesn’t want your kids in daycare and he is making you stay home…CHARGE HIM DAYCARE FEES!!
I’m a stay at home mom. My step daughter is in daycare and we have constant issues with her getting injured and her not being properly taken care of at daycare but my SO is not the primary parent so he doesn’t have the choice to take her out of daycare. I had a bad experience with daycare as a child and it’s just so expensive that even if I worked full-time I would be putting my entire paycheck towards daycare. My significant other was not good with finances. We were barely getting by and same as you I had no money to even get a haircut or extra toys for the kids or anything like that. I didn’t give him the option I told him that I was taking care of the finances because he was being irresponsible and the whole “his money” argument flew out the window when do you guys had kids together. You are not a maid you are not a glorified babysitter. You are this man significant other and the money that comes into the house is shared. I understand he works to earn that money. I understand where he’s coming from. But when he made the decision that the children would I go to daycare that you would have to stay home with them instead of working he made the decision to take on all the responsibilities as far as income of the house. And if he is being irresponsible with his money and it’s causing you guys to barely get by then he doesn’t need to have the responsibility of paying any bills or doing anything anymore. Savings is important. Coming from someone who just bought a brand new car to hit a deer and have it totaled less than a month later. Savings is important.
This isn’t normal. If you were making great money and he had the issue with daycare he should have been the one to stay at home with the kids. He made you be a stay at home parent so he needs to provide for everyone including you. It’s not his money but both of y’all’s money and if he sees it as only his then tell him the kids are going in daycare and you’re getting a job. He can’t have things all his way. That’s got how it works
Your significant other should provide you enough to take care of yourself. I recommend looking into childcare so you can go back to work. If he has a problem, he can watch the kids.
I’m a SAHM, and while it is nice to go out and have “extras” it’s not really a huge deal to me, he makes the money and pays bills I take care of the house and kids then I go to work on the weekends while he’s off. Maybe that could be a solution for you, work on your SOs days off. Having things you NEED is necessary, but having wants (getting hair done, nails done extras random shopping funds) are not needs they are things you just want which Is fine if you can afford them and maybe that’s the case they just aren’t in the budget right now. I wouldn’t say that it’s financial abuse because we don’t know the whole situation, and charging him daycare fees to watch your own children is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. They’re your children not just his. If you can’t talk to your SO go to talk to a counselor someone not related to you or his family. Get a job on his days off, babysitting others children maybe options for you to have somewhat of your own income…
That’s crazy. I’m really sorry to hear you are dealing with that. You should start charging him daycare fees.
I’m mostly a SAHM. My situation is vastly different. My husband’s check is deposited into our account and I handle the bills etc. He actually asks me before he spends large amounts.
At the end of the day you gotta put your foot down and explain to him what you expressed here and let him know things have to change.If not explain to him you are going back to work.He is going to keep this up till you say what you mean & mean what you say.
I used to deal with this but now my hubby keeps $300 for him i get the rest and i pay the bills. Works great for us