Do I have the right to be upset? My s/o and I have been together for about 7 years. Engaged for over two (damn covid made us reschedule our wedding twice so now we are going to just elope). We have one child together who is 3. We typically have a great relationship with good communication. For the last few months our communication has been lacking. We are so busy chasing around our child and striving to be the best parents we can and doing great at it but it has taken a lot of time from “our time.” Throw new jobs and hours in there as well. My Son was watching videos on an old phone of my fiance’s and I did the one thing I said I never would… Looked at the messages. I always said I would never do this because if I did than trust was an issue. Anyway, I did it. I found old messages between him a woman (we will call her Laura) from August. Apparently they met while my s/o was out with our Son playing. She gave him her number to set up a play date, which is fine with me as we welcome play dates. Thing is he NEVER told me about this. He met up with her, her Daughter, and brought my son 2 or 3 times behind my back. Also, he initiated the first contact by texting her at 930 at night the day they met. While he was home with me. The day after their last meet up my Son, S/O and I went to the local park (where they met the other times) as it is our go to place and close to home. She was there and I met her. Neither one of them told me that they met prior and knew each other. Apparently during this interaction while I was chasing my Son and her Daughter around my S/O and her had a convo and she asked if we were together. Later that night, she texted him that she hopes she wasn’t blunt by asking, but he was a “total babe,” and he replied that he was sorry if he misled her but isn’t good at navigating in those situations. They continued to text for a day or two. Nothing child-related, but he sent pics of his wine and my kids car toy we built, etc. I sat on it for a few days to ensure how I felt and wanted to make sure I wasn’t making a big deal out of nothing. I confronted him, and he lied to me and said that it was one playdate, and once she showed interest, they stopped talking. I then got really hurt and told him I knew that wasn’t true cause I read the messages since then; we have barely spoken (other than normal parenting talk- pick up from school, dinner menu, etc.) for four days. He said he did nothing wrong, and I invaded his privacy. I am at a loss if I have the right to be angry, and if so, what to say to him to make him see it in my view. I don’t get how you can talk and meet up various times, and the convo of him being engaged never came up…especially if you were with the kids. I am FURIOUS that it kind of seems like he used our child as an excuse to talk to this woman. Their convo ended with her saying that she can let him know when they are in town next, and he replied that he would “love to see her”. The whole situation makes me feel so uneasy. I never had a reason not to trust him, but I just have this horrible gut feeling. I only told two friends who both have children, and they agreed they would be upset as well. I didn’t want my family to know because I don’t want them to look at him differently. He’s the most amazing Father to our Son, but I feel I need to stand my ground in this!? Please give me advice.
I would feel some type of way about this too honestly. That is really shady to me. To hide it from you and everything. Just weird vibes.
He lied and obviously it was more than that i dont think he cheated but maybe he was attracted to her ? Either way he was in the wrong not you and if neither one was planning on doing anything then i find it odd he didnt introduce you two when you ran into her at the park i would consider counciling and see if things can get back in track
My husband said f*** yeah she has every right to be mad! Hiding it and lying is a huge deal!!!
Um why does he have to lie ?
Why when you were all at the park they both acted like they had just met ?
I would have expected him to say oh hey this is so in so we had met before , this is my fiance.
If role were reversed how would he feel ?
I would be pissed and feel betrayed.
I would not marry this man with out full disclosure and couples counseling. Then only if he truly realizes what he did was hurtful and what you consider a deal breaker .
Also he may be an amazing dad and thats wonderful but you deserve an amazing partner and total commitment and honesty so dont let him brush this under the rug and get away with it set boundaries
If it was only a play date for the kids he wouldn’t be defensive or angry for any reason. Im not saying he cheated but he is being dishonest even after you have proof and that isn’t right. He should just be upfront and honest with you about it. He should have included you in on the play date in the first place as you could have made a new mom friend now you’re just left feeling uneasy about a woman you know nothing about because you’re husband’s dishonesty led you here.
You absolutely have every right to be upset.
Forget about the play date for a moment, and think about the fact that he practically welcomed her advances by continuing to contact her and not making it obvious that he is in a committed relationship. Because here’s the thing… A man that altruistically loves you, honors you, and respects you, will not leave any room for questions when it comes to his relationship.
He didn’t cease communication with her, and proceeded to lie about the context, duration, and nature of the messages, and this is yet another that shouldn’t be ignored.
What’s more is, he brought your child around some strange woman without your input, more than once — If that were me, I would question what else he is doing behind my back.
Maybe taking a step back to evaluate the relationship with him, and whether he is committed, would be best bc it’s clear he is forgetting that every time he hurts you, he is hurting your child and setting a poor example. If it was innocent, he wouldn’t be so defensive, either.
If he was just enjoying the attention, however temporary, he should say that instead of trying to blame shift…
I think there might of been a little more going on wether he was attracted to her or trying to get more out of this play date. I mean if it was just a play date than there’s no reason why he couldn’t tell you or introduce you to her back in August.
He needs to remember he’s no longer single so stop behaving like one. His behavior is emotionally deficient. He doesn’t understand loyalty, commitment, respect for you. If he continues he will have to have visitation to see his son.
Being an amazing Dad does not equal being an amazing partner. He lied to you and then tried to flip it around. Trust your gut feeling as it more than likely is right.
Trust your gut…your seeking justification and I’m pretty sure most would agree you know what’s up.too many loopholes and plot twists
I’ve been through similar. It took a LOT of counseling and a separation for some time for my fiancé and i to work through it, because if the tables had been reversed he would be livid. It took me turning the situation around and a counselor agreeing with me before he truly realized that for whatever reason he was attention seeking and it was completely inappropriate. I hope that whatever path you choose, it’s one that you come up feeling completely ok with. Because this will stick with you unless you find some kind of closure with it. And that hurt isn’t a joke
Oh yes I would be mad he’s lying and probably cheating I would give him the choice to either act like he’s engaged if he can’t do that then I would make him be single
No, no like fuck that. this all reads sketchy ass behavior to me. Please evaluate his behavior from here on out before considering marrying him. I’m so sorry but this is just wrong, honesty is key and “not mentioning “ something in a marriage is a lie cause if you can’t mention it then there’s probably a reason why, you see what I’m saying? Trust your gut and keep your eye on him from now on, honestly if it was me I’d be done, I know that’s crazy to say but if he can do this to you once with yalls child, he’ll do it again, that’s selfish behavior to use yalls child as an excuse to keep seeing this woman knowing it’s not just a play date for the kids it sounds like to me. You deserve better. If the rolls were reversed it’d be exactly wtf it is to him but since it’s him he’s gonna try and gaslight You into thinking it’s nothing major don’t fall for that shit, learn the signs now save yourself the trouble in the future! Also I’d text the woman and honestly ask questions and tell her to be honest cause you need honesty from one of them if he’s not giving it too you, you deserve that much!
First of all…YOU did nothing wrong. He should have immediately shut that shit down. They both lied and you have every right to be mad. How many other conversations has he hidden from you.
I don’t know any respectable man that would set up a play date with another woman in the first place unless that woman was family and even still that’s typically something mom would setup. I’m questioning whether he’s actually this involved, or if he’s simply using your child to attract attention from other females.
I hope you have the courage to call off the wedding altogether. I wouldn’t give him a choice here. Trust isn’t something that can ever be fully rebuilt. You’ll never trust him the same again and to be honest, a good father wouldn’t use his child to bait women.
Yeah…even my husband agrees on this one. He came so close to cheating you have a right to be upset and now has killed ur trust. How would he like it if the situation was reversed and you went to some single guy’s home for your kid to play with his a few times and never told your so about it and he found out? You dont go to someone’s home alone and hide it. Something is up…and her still texting him trying to set stuff up and calling him hot?! I’d be furious. Tell him to block her number . Not a good person to have around him and now it raises the question…if he thinks it is no big deal…will he do it again? Sounds like he is trying to cheat. May be a good thing if continue to put the marriage off until he can prove he isnt a cheater…
He is an asshole. If he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong then why didn’t he tell you? He probably didn’t cheat but he was definitely sniffing around and not putting your marriage first. He needs to admit he was wrong and he has a lot of work to do if he wants to fix this.
Leave him. It will continue. He is distancing and he knows he’s been caught. He will continue either with this one and he will keep lying. Just leave period.