Do you ever feel like you’re alone in parenting? I do a more gentle parenting style, and I research things I want to learn more about it or understand more. But I feel like I’m the only one. I feel like with my husband; he has no idea what I’m doing. When I try to explain why I’m doing this a certain way and the strategies, I feel like I’m talking to a wall. And he looks like he’s strapped in a chair being tortured while I talk. He says when he notices I’m doing something, he will try and do the same. But why wait until you notice what I’m doing?? Why not have a conversation and discussion with me to figure out our parenting plan and discuss why we’re doing it this way? I feel so frustrated about this. I feel like I’m alone in parenting.
Yep, hubby doesn’t even let me finish a sentence to explain or talk
But then cracks it when I make a decision
Be there full time for our daughter or back off. There is no half parent or part time parent.
Do what you need to, to bring up a well adjusted and polite member of society.
Every one and every personality is totally different, even in parenting styles.
Some people need to watch and learn some people need to be taught step-by-step.
It’s just a difference in wiring and upbringing.
The biggest thing I have learned in the 22 year journey with my husband and our 2 girls who are now almost 12 and 13 is a You can talk all you want to but if the other person is not understanding, communication is broken. May need a different way of teaching and communication.
Also just because someone parents differently doesn’t make it wrong just different .
A therapist can help communicate, understanding, tips and even parenting help.
Men tend to “do” before they observe the situation. Weird question but are yiu the main caregiver? I was a sahm for years and I felt like my husband, while only trying to help, would sometimes “undermine” my parenting plan because he was just trying to help me out. After I started working and he become the main parent for half the week, he now sees why it was more harmful than helpful to ignore my parenting to do his own thing. Now, we are on a better level and are on the same page. Sometimes you just have to find a way to make them see that while their method may be effective in one way, it may cause other issues that they dont see off the bat. I would advise you ask him what his qaums about your parenting are, and ask him why he chooses certain things over others. Then I would tell him your opinion, and ask him what you can do to help him get on the page you would like to be. And don’t forget, everything has compromises, it cant be all you or all him, you have to find a method that sustainable for both of you.
I consider myself a married single parent… as fucked up as it is or may seem, at least I know I’m there for my kids and they know I’m there as well…
Have you asked him how he wants to parent? How he thinks or feels?
Or are you doing the research and making the decisons and expecting him to go along?
Society tends to discount men, and we as women, even when we dont hold the opinion that dad’s are less than mom’s, we sometimes forget to treat them like they’re equals.
My husband has done this to me and 9/10 it’s because I’m snowballing over the entire situation. My rules. My style. My routine. My techniques.
And don’t stop myself to actually ask or care how he feels.
In turn he just kind of tunes out and looks like he wishes I’d just shut up.
If the situation were reversed I’d feel tha same damn way.
He may be a hands-on on learner. Sometimes when my hubby talks i can’t listen to save my life. He has to repeat himself…
This problem seems multifold
You don’t feel heard by how you are trying to bring up your child. Have you heard him out on how he wants to bring up both your guys child? There are 2 of you. Thats 2 different people, 2 different personalities, 2 different parenting styles. So yes while you research and go about your parenting style that way, you are also pushing him out of the picture because you are choosing to not alow him to parent in away that isn’t yours.
Secondly, much like love languages there are different learning styles. Hands on, auditory, visual, reading, and (I think im missing one) he might learn a different way than you do.
Third yes he should play an active role in parenting, im not excusing him but you also need to think about what/how you say things when he is actively parenting are you constantly telling him how to do things or are you praising him. Negative and positive feedback loops.
This sounds like a YOU parenting and you expect him to just follow along.
You’re going to be alone when you take on something new without having explained it to him first. You can’t get mad at him for trying and falling short when it’s uncharted territory. YOU know it because you researched it, he didn’t.
Awfully unfair of you to fault him for not knowing, trying, and then faulting him again for not asking you. You should be communicating with him when you get something new and change up the routine. Not the other way around.
Communication and comprehension is what you both need. Try talking to him and have a conversation where both of you can be open about the issue. Allow yourself to tell him your frustrations, issues, ideas and allow him to openly express his. Remember to be open to his thoughts, ideas, and feelings so that you both can be more receptive to each other. You may be able to find a common ground.
I know my issue with my children’s father is the line of communication. I try my best to include him in making decisions- but when I try to ask his opinion or tell him what my thoughts on and I’d like his perspective he uses his famous “I don’t care, do whatever you want”. Therapy can also go a long way if either of you need help
Its not you! Im not speaking about all men, but ive seen, my included dont do anything. They dont know how to and dont care to research it. Your doing great, mayne try finding a mommy support group that you can feel connected with. But dont be upset with ur hubby, they are wired different then us
I don’t have any advice for you. I do feel your pain… I’m a older parent, now a grandparent. Hubby NEVER backed me up, yet expected me to back him up. I stopped backing him up with our surprise youngest. He was always “Leave her alone, she doesn’t have to.” Now we have something of a monster in her. She refuses to help around the house, yet expects us to cook for her, put a roof over her head, etc… I feel bad for her and powerless as to get her on a good path. I can’t threaten to kick her out because hubby gave her a house key. Say’s he pays the mortgage, so he’ll do what he wants.
The problem is that you are only focussed on “your way” of parenting. Maybe he a more relaxed layed back parent. Not everything needs to be “researched” because parenting doesn’t come with instructions. Why not just have fun and spend time with your kids instead of “researching” everything. Husband is probably fed up with all the “research” and “techniques” and just want to be a normal parent.
I NEVER researched raising children - I went by what my parents did. As for their dad…he worked and watched SciFi movies. I did ALL of the disciplining and could have cared less what he thought of it. My kids grew up great.
The primary parent is usually the one who is in charge and the secondary parent is usually afraid of doing whatever wrong and getting in trouble so to speak.
How about easing up on the research, and you initiate a discussion with your husband regarding parenting techniques. By the way, “techniques” don’t always work. Love and listening work great.
Sounds to me like he is trying to be an involved parent. Maybe not the way you think he should be, but sounds like he is trying. Stop with the research! You are a parent, not a scientist to your kiddo. Listen to your instincts and talk with your husband about what y’all want for your children, not tell him the strategies that you researched and then get frustrated because your husband doesn’t understand.
I do feel that way sometimes. Especially with my in laws. Whatever I say, it’s in one ear and our the other. They have no idea of certain dangers.
I felt I was the only adult parent. I felt I was raising 4 not 3 children. He only wanted the fun things. I was the one who disciplined and guided the kids. He only wanted them to go to one college.(local and stay at home)I wanted the kids to go where they’d thrive and grow. 2 decided to go away for college. Best decision! They got the best education and future they wanted! I have a GREAT relationship with my three young adult kids. They know they can call me anytime and talk about anything and I’ll be there for them! Yes unfortunately we are divorced!
My oldest are 10 and I still do this with my husband. He always says " well, I was raised…" But I still just calmly explain my way to him and then set the example. Guys seems to be more hands on learning than listen and learn/ read and learn types.