How can I cope with the fact that my husband had an emotional affair?

Hi, if you could anonymously post my question below about how to handle the aftermath of an emotional affair, I would REALLY appreciate it! I’m in a tough spot, and the folks on this page are awesome about giving straightforward advice. Thank you so much!! My husband had an emotional affair with a woman online. They never met, but before he ended it, they were talking about leaving their respective spouses and starting a life together. She was encouraging him to leave and divorce me while claiming she was extremely unhappy in her own marriage. We are in therapy addressing why he felt the need to do this, and it’s too soon to say what the outcome will be for us, but it’s done him a lot of good. He is extremely remorseful and has been completely transparent about what was said and shared with her. One thing that really seems to bother him is he doesn’t think her husband even has a clue she was getting ready to leave him. When my husband changed his mind, she, of course, was angry. In her mind, it was my fault even though He was the one begging for a second chance. It’s been about five months, and we’re continuing counseling as it’s really helping us both. I suspect it’ll be something we’ll need to continue for some time if we truly want to heal and rebuild. The biggest hang-up seems to be the guilt my husband feels over the fact that while he came clean on his own, his emotional affair partner’s husband doesn’t have a clue about what happened. My husband just feels he deserves to know. He won’t do it unless I give my blessing, and I’ve been hesitant because they have children. I just don’t want to cause pain to people that don’t deserve it. My own kids are too young to understand what exactly happened, but they know mom and dad had some things to work out. On the other hand, I know if it were ME, I would want to be told. Our therapist is supportive of my husband reaching out to him, so I am the only holdout. Can you ladies give me some insight? Understandably I know I’ll get a lot of comments telling me to send my husband packing. I did for a time, and that’s still not off the table should he show me he’s not genuine about wanting to work on him, us, and our marriage. Before I give up on what has been 12 amazing years of marriage, I want to be able to say I did everything to keep my family together. The mess of the other innocent people involved is where I feel hesitant. I shouldn’t care, but I do… even though I 100% agree that the husband should at least know. I think I know the answer already, but it would just really help me to be able to hear from others that may have been through something like this. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your opinions.

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It’s his choice. It’s literally not your call. Leave him be and let him do what he feels like he needs to do. Working through things after something like this can definitely be difficult. Kudos to you for trying.

What a Emotional affair :no_mouth:

For me, I would want to know. This is just the stepping stone before it becomes a physical affair. So yes, I would want the other husband to know. He deserves more. I get that kids are involved. And it sucks but she knew what she was doing. She didn’t care about how all this would affect them. I say tell him but in the end… you do what is right for you

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I would let him say something. If it were reversed, I’d want to know.

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I mean I’d let him say something. Keeping it from the spouse might damage their family a lot more if it’s uncovered later down the line

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Wtf? It’s not your business and it’s not his business if she is cheating on her husband. You two are online people, you realistically dont know anything about her life. I’m an online “egirl” and can tell you straight up I lie to guys. They think I’m cheating on my boyfriend with them but I’m not. Me and my boyfriend have in actuality full transparency and really. You all need to mind your business, shes an online girl. Move on, turn off your computers. :roll_eyes: For all he knows he was getting played.

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From your point of view, you have nothing to feel guilty or worry about. I think either way if the husband were to find out, then they too could work it out like you and your husband are trying to do. You might regret it later in life as well if your husband didn’t reach out and felt guilty knowing these things. I think all parties involved should know, but that’s just my opinion. Its incredible that you’re thinking about their children and protecting them, but at the same time the mom did already try to “leave her marriage”. That’s not on you, and I think you’ll know in your heart what’s best.

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Get rid of his emotional ass

I would want to know why he feels it’s his place to tell this womans husband. If the affair is over he needs to move on and not care about what this woman does, what her husband does or does not know, or what happens to her family. Him wanting the husband to know tells me he still has an emotional connection to her.

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This isn’t the first time he has cheated. I almost guarantee it. Hes only remorseful because he got caught. Now, you need to let him decide to reach out to the other man or not. That’s his decision. Not yours.

Maybe don’t open that door… What if then the husband leaves the woman and the she pursues your husband and everything goes wrong…

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I think he should put her and her husband in the past and let them figure out their own marriage.

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How did you find out?

You and your husband need to worry about your own marriage. Let them worry about theirs.

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Work on your own marriage and let her work on hers. Leave it alone

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Not your marraige, not your or your husband’s problem. Stay out of it…your hubby too.

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Her husband needs to know she may have moved on to another woman’s husband now

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No, you should not send your husband packing. If you both want yo work on the marriage by going to counseling then continue to do so. As for the other couple stay out of it. Maybe she did come clean, who knows. Right now just work on your relationship.

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I’d personally wanna know if it were me :woman_shrugging::woman_shrugging:

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