I have been with my now fiance for over three years. We both have children from previous relationships. I take on 100% of the parenting, housework, and any extra activities, doctor appointments, etc. I also work part-time. My child’s father is 100% involved in their lives pays support has regularly scheduled visitation weekly. His ex pays nothing and doesn’t bother to even see the child. I literally do everything. He works 40 hours a week and is the main support for our family. I am reaching a breaking point. I feel underappreciated and completely overwhelmed, and unhappy. He also has at times a drinking issue, and it isn’t a constant thing, but it’s becoming too much for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am already in therapy. Has anyone gone through anything similar? How can I help him understand that this is taking such a detrimental toll on my mental health and stability? How can I make him understand he needs to change somethings and seek help for himself? I love him and our family. I couldn’t imagine my life without him, but I don’t know how much more I can take.
My favorite piece of advise given to me early in life and I passed it on to my children. “The Roll You Take Is The Roll You Keep” I wish you luck
Tell him how you feel, tell him how you want things to be, if that doesn’t work give him a ultimatum. And if things still don’t change then you need to ask yourself is he committed to the relationship as much as you and is it worth the pain and suffering your going through xx
Is the extra child the problem? Do you plan a pleasent evenong for you and him? Do you put all your energy into your kids?
Tag him in this post
Everything in this post is how i feel about my life right now! Except for the therapy thing which i am highly considering, if it helps.
I would start by explaining that you are not happy. Then, I would explain that your happiness is not his responsibility. I would say his actions could contribute to your overall well being, however. Then I would end with a request for tacos.
Ok, what do you want to change? Maybe make a chart/list of everything you’re doing. Decide what you can let go or do less of. Don’t be a perfectionist. Then decide what you don’t mind doing or are particular about and don’t want anyone else doing. Keep some of those. Think about what tasks you could farm out or delegate. Then list everything else and sit down with the family. Tell them you are overwhelmed and breaking down and things have to change. Let them know you will meet with them in a few days to come up with solutions, and for them to come up with ideas.
Then reconvene and hear what they have to say (always greater success if it’s their idea). Adopt whatever they come up with that makes sense, or discuss and modify the ideas until they will work. Thank everyone for their work and ideas.
Then present your to-do list, check off anything resolved with the previous discussion, and ask which things each person can manage and direct (present it as a leadership opportunity). Kids can take on laundry, setting the table, dishes, fixing simple dinners with supervision from you or older kids until they get the hang of it, keeping their rooms clean, planning family fun/outings/activities, reading to baby, vacuuming, dusting.
Ask their ideas for rewards for getting everything done in a certain time frame, and celebrate with gold stars/stickers on a chart plus privileges and special activities. Celebrate both individual and group success. Reconvene every week or so to make any tweaks, change up who does what (maybe rotate who has to clean the toilets, for example), discuss how things are going, and enjoy rewards.
Do you have friends and family to support you? If not, why not? Can you expand your circle so you have others who can run errands for you, watch one or all of the kids on occasion, help you in general? Maybe hire a babysitter or teen looking for extra work to lend a hand on a regular basis.
Do you get breaks? Maybe your man takes the kids Saturday afternoons so you can have time to yourself or with friends or take a fun class or just sleep or have a long bath alone. Do you have date nights? Plan them a minimum of once a month, with you and your fiancé alternating making the plans. Maybe one or more of your kids would get a kick out of planning a fun time for you & your guy so you don’t always bear the work of making plans. Or have a friend plan something. Getting others to do this keeps things fresh, introduces new activities and jolts you pleasantly out of your comfort zone. If things go horribly wrong, you have a funny story to share.
You can’t change your fiancé, only he can change himself. Encourage him to get counseling for whatever drives him to drink or triggers the binges. Ask him to find an AA sponsor. Alert his doctor to discuss his drinking with him. Then see if anything changes over time. Then decide if you can live with him as is or not.
Have family exercise to keep you in shape, blow off steam, create memories. Walks, hikes, bike rides, visits to trampoline centers, gymnastics centers, swimming pools, amusement parks, ice rinks, bowling, put on music and dance (alternate who picks the song/s), do Wii fit, learn the steps to the newest dance craze together, do yoga, tai chi or other exercise videos together.
Meditate and/or pray as a family. There are lovely prayers, poems and writings for every faith and non-believers. Inspiration can come from many sources. This can take as little as five minutes a day or week but can help center everyone. Take turns picking and reading selections, or songs/hymns/chants. Anyone play a musical instrument? Ask everyone to say something they are thankful for or happy about at these times, and to say something nice about each person in the family. It re-wires the brain to be grateful and happier, and reinforces love and appreciation for each other. Before dinner, before bed, at family meetings are all good times.
I hope you find relief and happiness. Too often women are taught to take on all burdens uncomplainingly. We need to let that go and learn to be assertive and ask directly for what we want. May it be so!
Take your self a mini vacation 2/3 days someplace that makes you happy and content. Explain that you need time for YOU & that he will be responsible for the home and the children. Hopefully when you get back he has a newfound respect for what you do and what you contribute to that home. If he doesn’t then you might just want to move it along
Take him to therapy with you
Maybe you need a new therapist. They more than anyone are supposed to be helping you know how to deal with this. I see posts like this a lot though. Where the woman does everything. You need to talk to your fiance about how and why you feel so overwhelmed and the toll you feel it taking. As for his drinking. People don’t change their drinking habits for anyone but themselves. He has to be ready to quit all on his own. You can however hopefully get him to help you out in all the other ways you are asking. How old are the children? Old enough to do chores to help out? Even young kids should be taught to clean after themselves. I do think if you have a talk with him about all this and he values you and the relationship that he will start to help some. Tell him he can start small by doing a few things here and there. I wish you the best of luck!
Well, let him read this, have a conversation and do what’s best based on his willingness to change or not. But don’t forget we all have imperfections we need to work on meaning make sure you’re working on your flaws too.
One thing my therapist said is that drinking isn’t a black or white, and even when it’s only sometimes, it still has the same effect as an everyday thing and your emotions towards it are valid.
What you allow to continue will in fact continue to happen. Just have a honest and calm talk with him. Personally i dont mind my fiance drinking as he only has a few beers after work and he works his butt off 5 sometimes 6 days a week to support me and our 9 kids. I raise my 5bio and 4 bonus 24/7 as my ex is not involved at all and his ex is not involved with the kids. It’s stressful at times but he has even mentioned how much he values and appreciates everything i do and that he himself couldnt do half of what i do on a daily basis. If you have never talked to him about problems then maybe he doesnt realize anything is wrong?
You can’t “make him see.”
You need to tell him how you feel like an adult (sounds harsher than I mean lol) and watch what he does with the info
Does he chose to change or no?
From there you’ll know what needs to be done whether you are readyfor that step or not
Tell him exactly what you wrote. Don’t come off as stand off-ish like you’re ready to fight about it, but let him know this is what’s going on with you. If he’s like my husband sometimes I have to write it out and not be around when it’s read. My husband can butt in a lot and cut me off, but not meaning to interrupt the point I’m trying to convey. Hell you may just feel better telling him this is how you feel about everything.
Couples counseling. If he’s not willing to go, leave.
Flat out tell him honesty is the best policy
Sit him down and explain you need breaks. Help. I get where you’re at. My bf and I have 4 kids. One of which is together. I work part time. He works 40hrs a week plus some depending. I knew I’d be doing most of the leg work because he cant. But when I need a break i tell him. There were some issues that I wint get into, but I explained what i needed and he worked on them. And vice versa. Communication is key. Not every guy communicates or listens so you gotta make him.
If you can’t bring yourself to vocally express your needs then do it through a letter come it’s more personal than a text.
If you can’t bring yourself to vocally express your needs then do it through a letter come it’s more personal than a text. Start off with all the things you love about him, Anything positive and tell him how important this relationship is to.
Stick with words And phrases like I need I want I feel.
When you state I’m feeling unappreciated, You could help by
(whats needed) here.
Suggest couples councling, it will help communication and a neutral 3rd professional is eaiser to take advice from.
If hes not willing to work on it then leave.
What if talking will not cut it? I am in the same situation but my husband is addicted to games.
Girl if you knew what I dealt with my ex only gives me $50 weekend visits all summer I do it all we have custody of all 6 of our children and I do all the work and other issues with the other parent I can’t say 6 kids 4 therapy appointments do to the mental abuse so don’t ever think you have it rough
Ok…so does he work more or harder than you when he does work? If so,then I wouldn’t ask him to do too much when home. If not,then should be equal instead of you doing it all. As for drinking occassionally…well
.occassionally drink with him. At night when the kids are in bed you two drink and watch a show or movie together or go on a date and have some drinks together. If he is the main provider and works harder at his job, then he should get to come home and relax. Doesn’t sound like a big issue. Sounds like you are just getting overwhelmed and need to step back and take some deep breaths and quiet time to yourself for a few. Drinking with him or scheduling date nights would help that. Need some down time is my opinion and y’all to spend some time together without kids…even if that is just sipping wine,beer,or whatever after put the kids to bed and watching tv. I’m a housewife. My husbands works and provides and I do everything as well. Still have these moments and my husband totally understands when I need to just relax and sip some wine after putting the kids to bed and watch something together. Maybe try setting those small moments of relaxation up will help. Or fix a bubble bath after they go to bed and pamper yourself some. Drink wine…listen to music in there…do a face mask and paint nails after. Got to take care of yourself some as well
Talk to him. Communicate.
Tell me and go to counseling if you want to fix it. If you don’t want to fix it then just leave
Do you have any family that your kids would want to spend a few nights with so you can charge you Mom batteries? My kids go to my sister every other weekend. If my husband asks me to do anything on those two days if I’m too tired I tell him it my day off and I’m resting.
Leave and go on with your life