How can I get over my ex when we co parent?

Please post anonymously. So long story short, I was engaged to the love of my life. I had a child before I met him and have a beautiful son. He was three at the time we got together. I was very cautious about introducing him as my child has some intellectual disabilities. So I met this guy, and I fell madly in love with him. He had a pretty rough upbringing. He grew up in foster care with his sister and was removed from his biological family at the age of 8. So he remembers a lot. When he turned 18, he was a junior in high school, and his adoptive family kicked him out. I got a job and finished high school. His best friend and his friend’s family took him in as one of their own. He later joined the military and reconnected with his biological family. When we got together, I never met his biological family. His mother didn’t like me before she even met me. My son and I loved him so much. Later in 2019, I found out I was expecting baby #2. He seemed so excited. Around Christmas time, he left us… no explanation and went to his biological mother’s home. He came back after the new Year in 2020 and agreed to get help and work out his own issues. February 2nd, he left us again. I was only 12 weeks pregnant. Then covid hit and schools shut down etc. My oldest struggles so much from everything, and I cannot stop blaming myself. To this day, I cannot forget it. I try working hard to raise my five-year-old and nine-month-old on my own, but I feel so empty and broken. After everything, I still love this man, but he moved across the country to be with his biological family. The only time he messages me is when he wants to talk sexually etc. Eventually, I just quit responding to that, but I still update him on our son and send photos. He never came back for the birth of our child, hasn’t visited him, but when he was three weeks old, I did travel across the country for him to meet him. We agreed he would come back to visit, but he still hasn’t. I’m trying to keep my personal feelings separate from co-parenting as that’s all I’ve ever wanted was my kid to have his dad. I just want to know how to heal or what steps I need to take. I can’t express how much I just hurt.

33 Likes

Learn to let him go. Seek counseling if needed. You and those kids deserve better.

7 Likes

As hard as it is I would cut all ties from him. If he had any interest in being a father then he would be and he would be around. It’s not your job to always get ahold of him to let him know things and show pics of your son. That’s not co-parenting. Move on and find someone worth you and your children’s time.

13 Likes

What you are doing is not co-parenting. He has no interest in his child or he would put effort into it. You are doing all the work. It’s obviously not mutual. Either take him to court for rights or child support. He clearly doesn’t want to be involved.

14 Likes

You may never know what happened or why. Thats the toughest part. Its impossible not to take that personally. It happened to me. Im very lucky that his friends and family told me he met someone else and was getting married to her. Hopefully thats not the case. Try not to take it personally, time to find a wonderful man who will treat you like royalty. Its very hard to do, I will be praying for you!

2 Likes

Pull up your big girl pants. And get yourself together. You’re not co-parenting. He’s not involved. Do for you and your beautiful babies. And things will in time come together.

6 Likes

You have to let him go. I’m in a very similar boat. Raised our 18 month old on my own and he has not looked back.

Awe … time go move on … I wouldn’t say co-parenting hes obviously not involved … you came this far with you just talng care of your kids keep going . If he had any interest he’d travel to come see his baby… you make effort to stay connected let him do his part by contacting

2 Likes

You can’t force him to be involved, you and the kids deserve better. Keep your head up and love them babies extra. :heart:

That is not co parenting. I completely understand how you are feeling and what you are going thru. I am in a similar situation and it’s heartbreaking. Throw out anything you have around of him. Pictures. Shirts. Blankets. If it came from him or was his in any way it needs to go. Stop reaching out to him. Let him contact you and ask for pictures and things. See how long it takes for him to actually get in touch in regards to the child. Get therapy immediately. If all you do for a while is talk about him fine but seriously, get a therapist. There’s no shame in that what so ever. Time helps, I promise. It doesn’t seem like it but the more time that passes the easier it will be. Eventually you will heal. Maybe this is God’s plan. Maybe he’s making room for something and someone MUCH better in your life that you don’t even see coming. Hang in there and know you are not alone in this.

6 Likes

This is not co-parenting, first of all. He is not involved and I would not push him to be. And as far as getting over him? Only a total piece of garbage abandons a woman pregnant with their child (TWICE!) and their own child. He is garbage. Period. Do you want or deserve that for you or the baby? No.
Focus on you and your babies. It’s hard, I get it.
Seek legal advise about abandonment in your state. Document everything you can, and stay strong. Get counseling if you can. But realize this is who he is. If you can’t love your own kid how can you love anyone else?

3 Likes

Do not talk to him about anything but your child. And stop going out of your way to keep him informed. It is his responsibility to ask about his child and his responsibility to come visit.

4 Likes

That’s not coparenting sweetheart. He up and abandoned you all. Please don’t let him use you. Stop sending him anything about his child unless he asks since it doesn’t sound like he’s very interested. By your explanation he isn’t even communicating with you, so there’s no reason to blame yourself. His journey doesn’t seem to include you. Deep down you have to know what he’s done to you isn’t right and far from healthy and you and both your babies deserve so much better. :heartbeat:

4 Likes

That’s not coparenting. That’s you trying to get him to be involved.
Stop messaging, even regarding your son, unless he asks.
No communication. It’s time to move on.

2 Likes

It doesn’t even sound like co-parenting if he’s only ever met the baby once in 9 months. Letting go of someone you love is hard, especially a significant other, but just remember your love for your babies is so much more than that.

1 Like

You miss the life you wanted with him.
What do you love about him, exactly?
His abandonment issues or his utter lack of respect?
Ensure you have legal & sole custody, which I never advise but in this case, do it.

2 Likes

Stop bending over backwards for some guy who essentially is using you. He made no secret of his issues. He is Not going to be the partner or parent you wish him to be so stop sending the pictures and making visits! He knows how to get ahold of you for booty calls so if he wants to be more he can get ahold of you it doesn’t sound like any actual coparenting is happening. You are basically single abd desperately doing whatever to keep him kind of involved. So just stop. You will move forward and feel better if you stop all this. If he wants you and if he wants to be a dad he would be and he would show up for you. He doesn’t care if you are hurt. Stay away from him get some child support some therapy and move on without him.

Your trying to hard with him, u can’t force him to be a father he’s clearly not ready nor interested. He needs to put in the effort. Don’t reach out to him anymore. Just focus on making your kids happy, no needed for the added stress.
It’s not love it’s the ideal of him and having a family. Your kids and yourself deserve better and so much more.

It’s you and your kids. Give your kids time to heal and give yourself time to heal.

If it wasn’t for you he wouldn’t even know what his child looks like…co parenting is when you both spend time and responsibilities…he does neither…
Stop sending him anything…stop calling… maybe if everyone stops making it easy he will grow up…
Yes he may of had a rough time…his issues…not yours or your kids, only he can change…grow…