How can I handle a blended family situation?

My husband had a daughter out of wedlock with his ex, and she is now four years old. I have been in her life since she was one year old. Now, my husband and I have been together for over three years, and now we too have a daughter together who is five months old. My question is for all the blended families out there. My step daughter’s birth mother makes everything so complicated. She has threatened to stab me, have me jumped, and hit me. At one point in time, my stepdaughter started calling me Mommy, and her birth mother insisted that I was coaching her to say that and turning her against her. I have put me all into my stepdaughter. I have been up with her crying at night, taken care of her when she was sick, provide clothes and food, everything. I think of her and treat her as my own. I would have thought that as a mother, you could be a big enough person and put jealously aside and be happy that there is someone in her life who actually cares rather than neglecting her. Her birth mother likes to play games. She uses her daughter as a pawn to get what she wants. We have statements from her teachers last year saying that the child acts like a different person around her mother, and not in a good way. The teachers have even said that there are days where the child will be dropped off at school in pajamas with hair not brushed. We spoke to a lawyer, but they told us that since those statements from her teachers are older than six months that we do not have a case for full custody. I try so so hard and care so much for my stepdaughter, but I feel like I am at a breaking point. I feel like I have to “careless” about the situation to be able to find peace, but I don’t know how to. If anyone has been through similar situations or is part of a blended family and has some advice, it would be much appreciated.

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Never careless. Any threats she makes in messages, save them. But just be you. Dont make the child feel like she is at fault. Just continue to love her like her own. You can still apply for full custody. And I’ve never heard a lawyer say that.

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Just love her regardless. Legally, there isnt much that you can do regarding custody but I would press charges on bio mom if I was being harassed and threatened.

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Step Mothers United - Support Group

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Okay but where is the husband in this. What does he say??

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Anything in the last 2 years can be used in court. Atleast in maryland that is. Document everything, take pictures. Save all her messages. During drop offs and pick ups, record her. Let her know shes being recorded so u dont get in trouble.

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I just don’t understand why on earth a woman (birth mother) has so much anger towards you??? Something is not being revealed to us (you).

Girl. My step daughters mom. Tried too use that I was a domestic abuse suvivor and my son was raped. Too get my ex too leave me. By keeping her from him… she tried lying too their mutual friends about me. She is a piece of work. And a piece of shit. She lied in court and because she had a lawyer and my boyfriend didn’t they won. It was fucked.

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By the way both are in court right now… She is just low… Tried too say I cheated on my boyfriend which she don’t know me… so…

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Write every thing she says down, her mom act like a child .thank God she has you to care so much for her.

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my s/o has an ex that is jealous of me and causes family problems all the time,they havebeen divorced over 20 yrs and their “kids” are grown up men .she buys their affection sothey side with her . its a never ending battle good luck

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I don’t think the whole 6 months thing matters. I would find a new lawyer.

My divorce/custody was finalized in November of 2018. I filed for a modification in October 2019 I think it was. I used stuff from the entire year in between to get what I wanted.

That’s what judges prefer to see- documentation! Dates times and what happened. And documentation that it’s an on going issue kind of thing. Not just a 1 time thing that happened (because even I’ve messed up. :woman_shrugging:t2:)

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Save and document all threats and bad behaviors. Anytime child is not dressed, unkempt, document all. You’ll need it later.

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Learn to get along for the kid. There are videos and counselors to help. It’s only a few years. It’s adult drama… Everyone needs to grow up.

Your attorney is not a guardian ad litem. Hire your daughter a GAL to win full custody. With a GAL you can give them all the proof you have. Voicemails, emails, text messages, fb post, pictures, doctors and teachers notes stating well being of the child and who all were present during the visits. Also try to only communicate with the biological mother through text message as additional proof. Try to be nice as can be in those messages and let her show her ugly side. Then take your case to court for full custody. Judges tend to rule in favor of the GAL recommendations on what the best interests of the child is and looks like it wont be with her mother. It cost us $500 for the GAL and judge ordered ex to pay half.

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Keep every statement, take her to court and the next time she threatens you, you call the cops and press charges. Record everything and keep them under lock and key. Ignore the mother and her antics but always keep a record.

Just keep doing what you’re doing. The mom can kick rocks. My step sons mom use to be horrible. Like wish shed take a flying leap off the side of a cliff horrible, but within the last year or two shes mellowed out. My husband and I got together when my step son was two. He’s now turning 7 in a couple weeks. His mom has done everything she could possibly think of to try to get rid of me. She finally realized after 5 years she cant get rid of me so shes trying to get a long and be my friend. Were not friends. But she now acknowledges me on mothers day and my birthday. My birthday always falls on a weekend we dont have my step son but this year she let him come over so we could do family stuff. She also gives us my sons birthday as an extra day because that’s all he asks for ever year. Things didnt really shift until she found she had cancer and moved to BFE and has no support system. Shes even called me to come pick up my step son to take him to school because she couldnt find her car keys and when she had family drama across the country for the first time she depended on us to make sure he was picked up from school every day. Now that shes also getting a divorce she calls me for help all the time. She calls me instead of my husband because he’s usually at work. But most of that happened within the last 9ish months. I basically killed her with kindness. Some women get over it and some dont. All you can do is be there for your step daughter and hope it gets better and try to co parent as best as possible. In our case she realized things go better when we work as a team.

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I would think if the teachers gave statements once, they’d do it again…

The child is the most important in this. The love and dedication you show counts the most thats why she felt comfortable calling you mum-hope it all works out

I think this is only part of the story where’s her dad how does he feel

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