"I have a three-year-old daughter with my husband. I filed for divorce after one of his side pieces confronted me in his presence and claimed they were in a relationship for as long as we have been married.
My question is: I have so much hurt and anger against him. I’m currently in counseling for my own healing, getting through this hell. However, I have to co-parent with him.
Currently, we share the same house; it’s in both of our names. Tomorrow he will be served with the divorce papers. He has no idea. I have tried to make things work, but he refuses everything, even counseling.
He now sleeps out most nights. I now feel like I was the owner who had the affairs (there are others). I have had enough. I am a working mother. My question is, how do I co-parent with him in a peaceful manner? Pushing back the hurt and pain and anger I feel. Advice needed."
RELATED QUESTION: Struggles With Co-Parenting: Advice?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“First of all, I’m in awe of your courage!! I can’t imagine having to stay with him in the house. Don’t leave. Make him leave. The co-parenting without wanting to bash him over the head every time you see him a little later. You are so hurt and raw right now you can barely make it through the day. You need to document everything. Don’t ask him to help you. Ignore him when you can but be cordial when you have to talk to him. You don’t want to give him any ammo. I’m sorry this happened. Lean on friends and family. Be honest. Stay strong. Love yourself and your little one.”
“Co-parenting is all about the kids. You have to put personal feelings aside and let him be the dad that he wants to be. It’s definitely hard but once this settles down you will be glad you put your daughter’s feelings first.”
“First thing, you two need your own places. Secondly, only communicate about your child. Bless you. Once you heal try to make things as easy as possible for your daughter.”
“Oh wow really feel for you. Just think of the love you have for your daughter with the co-parenting and do it because of her that’s still her dad and she loves him no matter what. I can’t imagine how much pain you feel. But you got this. You’re going to be a beautiful strong independent woman.”
“Focus on the love you have for your child and know that she has the same love for both of her parents. So how happy she is growing up is completely dependent on how you treat each other. You deserve to be more than just a side piece to your own husband, let his side chick have him and she’ll learn really fast that it’s who he is and he’ll probably cheat on her too.”
“Just remember your daughter deserves the best from both of you. It is no longer about you as adults, but about her. Time will help to heal and you being in separate households would also help as you wouldn’t see him every day. Be strong for your little and you’ll make it through!”
“Been here… ONLY talk about the child. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t try to argue about everything. My mom told me, “he meant what he did, or he wouldn’t have done it.” That right there made me realize no matter how much I yelled, or how many times I was petty, there was no going back. Just talk about the child and only the child. Everything else can be done through the lawyers.”
“That’s horrible what he did to you. Just focus on moving forward and your child/ren. Since the house is in both your names, sell and split the profits or one of you buy the other out. Split custody 50/50. Child expenses (school, clothes, doctor bills, etc) split 50/50. Only communicate about the divorce and kids. Good luck dear!”
“You need to have as little contact with him possible. Only about the child and only when necessary. Have a custody agreement in place and stick to it unless there are rare circumstances that occur. Your problem is that none of these things are in place yet so you are stuck in the hurtful and stressful time. Once everything falls into place you will start to feel much better. What is happening is super hard to deal with right now, but things have a way of turning out for the best. You will be sooo much better off soon. I promise.”
“Just take it one day at a time. I would just be (be there for yourself and child) and not try to force or be overly helpful towards him… once you aren’t under the same roof it will help as well…”
“The best you can do is what you did, to file papers. Don’t leave your house and try to get everything solved in a civilized manner. Co-parent the best way possible for the sake and sanity of the children. There is nothing more you can do.”
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