How can I shake the guilt of having postpartum depression the first year of my daughters life?

My question is… My daughter is eighteen months old, and the first year of her life was not an enjoyable experience due to having postnatal depression. It started by not bonding with her when she was in the womb. Everybody said to wait until you meet her, and then you’ll feel it, but I felt nothing towards her after labor. In the beginning, I was crying out of guilt only because I didn’t love her, but I think it escalated to me resenting her, and we had a horrible year. I wasn’t picking her up except to feed her or change her, and she pretty much just stayed on the playmat or in bed for the first year while I cried my eyes out all of the time. She did get some positive influences though by going to her dad’s every weekend, and he is great with her. Things did get better, and I got help. Now I’m doing a lot with and for her but six months on, and I still can’t shake that guilt. I can’t help feeling sad when people say she’s really clever for her age because I see it as she’s had to self soothe and build independence due to my neglect. I am constantly feeling like I’m never doing enough for her and that I’m never going to be good enough for her because of the pain I feel because of how badly I let her down at the beginning. I just want to know if it will ever go away because I am a good mum now, but it would be nice to say it and truly believe it.

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You’re a strong mom! Don’t
Be too hard on yourself. Many mothers have gone what you went through. Just know you’re not alone.

I think you may need to talk to your doctor and have your medication tweaked. I’m not saying you need to be happy all the time but, reading this, I’m wondering if you’re not quite over the hump of the PPD.

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You can’t change the past, you can only try your hardest to give her all the love you can and be the best mother you can be for her from now on. People make mistakes and things happen that you can’t control sometimes but showing your daughter how much you care is something you can do. She won’t remember the first year when she’s older, but she will remember how you treat her from a certain age. Just do your best and it will fall into place.

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She’s your little girl and she loves you as much as you love her, you found help and got healed for , everyday embrace that second chance you got and try to move on, you are a strong woman

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I’m sure you’re doing much better than you think. :heart:

Well at the the end of it is quite obvious your are an amazing mum feeling all that guilt and wanting to make her happy , feeling you ain’t good enough or doing good enough it’s what all mums feel now means your doing great gal honestly! May of been hard in the begging "not feeling anything " but now your feeling all this definitely change of heart just means your doing a great job and an amazing mummy!

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Listen, it wasn’t your fault. You had ppd…you can’t control that, it happens. You know what you did do? You got help! You got better! And you did that not only for yourself but for her. It takes so much to recognize,admit and accept that you have a problem and that you need help. A lot of people can’t get there. Give yourself credit where credit is due and give yourself grace. You are better now and you are doing better now. That’s amazing! Truly. Do not beat yourself up for something that was out of your control, instead pat yourself on the back for getting the help you needed and getting better and focus on the now. Don’t dwell on the past,you don’t live there anymore. You have many more years to make it up with your daughter, enjoy them. Hugs to you! You’re doing great.

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It sounds like you are a single parent but honestly that doesn’t matter. Do not feel guilty for having a mental illness and getting help for it. Be proud of yourself for now and the future. I know the guilt but guilt won’t do either of you any good. Talk to someone about it. I had to seek counseling after my 2nd son was born due to serious depression. Always give yourself a break. She was not neglected by you, she was fed and cared for even if not cuddled or hugged much. Having a strong independent child is not a bad thing.

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I think you should look into cognitive behavioral therapy! They use it for many things, it’s an umbrella term that helps to treat everything mental health from ppd to bpd to addiction and everything in between. If you can’t afford or get into therapy, you can do it on your own just look it up. It’s basically your feelings are always there but you can control your thoughts and actions, only yours. Changing bad thoughts to good thoughts really helps. I’m simplifying but it also isn’t hard and can really change how you feel.

I know how hard it is, I had it with my 3rd child but you have got to let go of the guilt. Your little one loves you and I promise you will grow to have a strong bond. Sending prayers that you find peace soon and just enjoy your little one

Sending lots of love.

I didn’t have ppd but my depression and anxiety over being insignificant in my babies life and my partners meant I wasn’t the best mum I could be.

I was a good mum. And I absolutely adored him. Did all the right things but I would get confused about time a lot and lose my bearings meaning I would forget to do things. Or forget I’d already done them and do them again.

Or forget i went to do them and have to do them again

I am now a brilliant mum. I always was. But I just never was made to feel that way. I didn’t believe in myself enough.

Now I know I’m doing a great job at this. I know I have a great kid and we have the most amazing bond. People have tried to weaken it and trash it but he loves me far too much for that to happen

Parental guilt never goes away imo🤷‍♀️ They have been telling me for years and years to “get over” my daughter being molested but neither my husband, who is her father, or I really can totally let it go. The advice I will give you is not to let that guilt rule your parenting decisions because we did and now we’re working even harder and at a much older age to break some pretty bad habits, behaviors and routines. I finally just had to come to terms with the fact that no matter what I did in the past, now, today, I am giving parenting my girls everything I have asked striving to be better all the time! It took years and years of counseling, psychiatrists, groups and other different strategies to get us where we are today though. We cannot change the past and a whole lot of even the present, so just try to focus on what you CAN do and change and 1 day you won’t even realize it but you will feel better🤷‍♀️ That’s the best I’ve got sweetie so good luck to you!

Don’t b so hard on urself. Ur there 4 her now n that’s what’s important. Stop feeling guilty n enjoy ur baby!!

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I would say individual therapy so you can process the guilt and put it behind you. I had post partum psychosis and it was horrible. I had a ton of guilt and I had individual therapy for 6 to 8 months after and it really helped. Glad you are doing well now.

You did what you needed to do…get help. I bet the next year’s will be more important than that first year in her development. Many kids have bad starts and do great. Don’t blame yourself for a chemical reaction. Salute yourself for getting help!!! You did it!!

She forgives you and she loves you :heart:

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There’s nothing that you can change from the past. You have to truly forgive yourself for what happened. Focus on the now, which you’re doing an amazing job already. Although it’s painful to remember the past (& inevitable) bring yourself back to the present time and value these moments. Give yourself the credit you deserve. You got help and you’re in good place now. Enjoy her to the fullest.

Hopefully you told your doctor and he put you on zoloft/sertraline

If it’s ppd go to a doctor if you haven’t already! Maybe seeing a councillor might help too