How Do We Explain to My Fiancé's Kids That Their Mom Wants Nothing to Do with Them and Has Relinquished All Rights?

QUESTION:

"My fiancé received a text from his ex saying she was signing over her rights to the kids, and she never wants to see them again.

And she also went on to say that we needed to tell her oldest that because of her ‘lies,’ she would never trust her again nor have anything to do with her. (She is only ten btw.)

We don’t know what to do. We definitely have not told the girls this. And don’t have any intention of telling them what she said. But our eight-year-old doesn’t understand why her mother won’t come over.

My question is, how do we help her through this? How do we help both of them thought this? How do we explain what’s going on to an 8 and 10-year-old?"

RELATED QUESTION: How can I explain to my boyfriend what I am going through?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“I would wait until the paperwork is filed and stuff. Perhaps in the meantime, you can find a family therapist, and speak to them about the situation -separate from the girls- and get their opinion on how you break this kind of news to kids without destroying them? Or, if she ends up not going through with it, perhaps the therapist will still have valuable information on how to protect them while still giving mom access to the girls. Then either way you can sign the girls up for weekly sessions to discuss life and help them through this stuff, especially the 10-year-old.”

“Let them know their mom isn’t in her right mind. That she needs to seek help for herself. Let them know it’s not their fault! Make sure you all show them extra love and time. They are going to have many bad days and be patient with them. Cry with them, hug them so they know you are hiring for them as well.”

“Please do not tell them this. If I were in your shoes I would definitely get the girls in counseling to help with mom being absent. As for when they ask about mom’s absence I told my children that their dad just wasn’t in a good place in his life right now and when he gets in a better place then we would reach out. They are grown now and no he was never in a better place but once they got older we had the more honest and mature talk.”

“It’s not necessary to tell them anything yet. If mom follows through and cuts off contact, you can address it then. You just received the text last night…mom may have been drunk, depressed, etc, and feel completely different in a couple of days…”

“You don’t say a word!! Tell them their mother is going through a tough time. And hopefully, one day when she’s better, she’ll be involved. And you concentrate on showing them the love and stability they need.”

I would tell them that their mother needs help right now because she’s not in a good place in her life. And that she needs their understanding and love and patience. That you hope she’ll come back around when she’s better. You NEVER tell a child that they are not wanted, especially by their own mother. Even if that’s the case. If she’s truly horrible, they will realize that on their own when they are old enough. Good luck to you and your family."

“I would talk to a lawyer. But tell the girls that you aren’t too sure what’s going on with mommy but that they are safe with you and dad. Don’t speculate or lie. If they ask if she said anything say yes but you aren’t sure what it means so the adults have to sort it out. And then stick to that.”

“Tell them that she made some very bad decisions and is unable to be with them at this time. Leave it at that.”

“You are so blessed to be able to love these children and guide them through this trauma in their lives. Be age-appropriate!!!, and honest with them. Don’t ever lie. They need to earn your trust. Seek counseling if need be. The children are more aware of what is going on than we realize, and I am sure are very frightened. Bless you & your fiancé. Much luck with choosing the right path.”

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100 Likes

I don’t really have experience in this so I feel for you. But what I will say that I think they probably already know or feel that way about her leaving. I wouldn’t tell what she has said. I would explain as best you can without using her mean words. Be there for them and allow them to talk and express themselves. Thats the best advice I can give but I am sure others will give some good advice as well.

You should just tell them that Mom moved far away and she doesn’t have a phone for now. The littles don’t need to know the negatives. You can tell them when they’re older. Save the text though so they don’t think you’re lying on their momma.

Their mom is “busy” and said she couldn’t come to whatever, but you and their dad – and any other interested relatives – have the time and would be glad to come. It’s true, as far as it goes, but you’re not her messenger and are not obliged to pass on her cruel commentary.

Eventually they will figure out that she’s broken all ties for her own motivations, so be prepared for a difficult conversation at some point.

Honestly you just love them. You keep them busy. When they ask about their mom, simply state you haven’t heard from her. Seriously… shower them in love and patience… eventually the truth will come out, and you would of done your part making them strong and loving themselves.

Sit them down and explain to them that sometimes no matter how much someone loves their child they just aren’t able to be the parent that child needs and since they love them so much they’ve decided it’s best to not be a part of their life. This may not be the best answer but its probably how I would handle it, either way the child is gonna be hurt and I couldn’t imagine not wanting to be a part of my child’s life

You NEVER tell them. You just make sure they feel loved and cared for and if they ask questions you tell them “they’re just not in a great situation for it.” Why the hell would you ever crush their hearts like that?

My daughter’s bio wants nothing to do with us. I’ve never and will never tell her. She’ll figure it out at some point on her own. My job isn’t to worry about my ex or how shitty he is. My job is to keep her cared for, healthy, happy, and love her unconditionally. She will never hear a bad thing from me about him and will never hear me tell her he doesn’t want her, regardless of how true those things are.

You don’t tell them that unless you want to hurt them!!

I wouldn’t do anything based off a single text. Once mom has legally given up her rights, then I would talk to the children and simply explain that their mother will not be around anymore.

You don’t explain it to them until they are much older, just let them know their mother loves them but is too far away to see them. Most important don’t speak bad about their mother when they are in the same building you are in, no matter how angry you are at her or they are at her. They will grow up and will realize what kind of person she is, let them form their opinions. Just be there for them and be the mom they deserve.

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Do you really have to?

How about getting in touch with the mother first and talking to her face to face? I wouldn’t trust any texts.

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Don’t say anything until its official or they ask

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I would wait until the paperwork is filed and stuff. Perhaps in the mean time you can find a family therapist, and speak to them about the situation -separate from the girls- and get their opinion on how you break this kind of news to kids without destroying them? Or, if she ends up not going through with it, perhaps the therapist will still have valuable information on how to protect them while still giving mom access to the girls. Then either way you can sign the girls up for weekly sessions to discuss life and help them through this stuff, especially the 10 year old.

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Find them a therapist

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I would just say your mom’s going through some things and needs time to work on her life and get back right So she’s not gonna be around for awhile but she still loves you,every kid needs to hear it if it’s true or not,and when she gets better she’ll be in contact. Letting a kid no the other parent doesn’t care about them really messes a kids head up. I’d sugar coat the shit outta everything they ask that’s just me though

Get paperwork done then tell them the truth and seek a therapist if need be. No matter what y’all do it is going to be hard for them to understand.

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Let them know their mom isn’t in her right mind. That she needs to seek help for herself. Let them know it’s not their fault! Make sure you all show them extra love and time. They are going to have many bad days and be patient with them. Cry with them, hug them so they know you are hiring for them as well.

25 Likes

As bad as it sounds, you let them figure it out on their own. Do your best with them and as they grow, they will learn on their own. My son is 12. He hasn’t seen his biological father in almost 7 years. He used to ask to see him or call him. I made excuses. He’s at work. He’s busy. Etc. As my son got older and got his own phone and attempted to make contact, he started to realize that his sperm donor was a POS. I never bad mouthed his biological father (not to him anyway). He figured it all out on his own. Good luck. Kids don’t deserve that shit.

Wait for official paper work and get a therapist either family individual or both

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