How Do You Get Over — Forgive, Even — a Partner Who Cheated on You?

QUESTION:

"How do you trust your significant other again after they cheat on you? My fiancé has a lot of issues, and he’s depressed a lot, so he drinks a lot and does a lot of things that even he doesn’t necessarily want to do but does anyway because he thinks it’ll make him feel better, without thinking of who he’s hurting or how it’ll affect others.

I accidentally found out last night that he recently slept with a girl I went to high school with, and it turned into an argument/talk that lasted from midnight to 3 am. There was a lot of crying, a lot of deeply personal stuff was said, and I would like to say we are in a better place now, but I didn’t sleep at all and am still sick to my stomach about it.

He’s at work today, and last night while I was on his phone, I turned his location on in iMessage. It feels a little wrong to be spying on him, but it gives me just a little bit of reassurance that I know where he is and what he’s doing."

RELATED QUESTION: My Husband Cheated on Me With His Ex-Girlfriend: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“It sounds like you come up with A LOT of excuses for him and enable his behavior. Either he’s incredibly manipulative or you need to wise up.”

“Stop making excuses for him. He made a huge mistake; let him wear it. Our traumas do not give us permission to hurt other people. You will likely never trust him again and it will be the downfall of the relationship. It hurts to lose someone you love, but it’s not love if they’re willing to hurt you.”

“Addressing the issue of him drinking could be a good place to start. He’s an addict so he’s always going to have an excuse for why he did what he did but drinking isn’t an excuse to cheat. Sounds like he needs to make his mental health a priority.”

“That guy is toxic. My bf of 7 years is extremely depressed too. It’s been a tough year. His great-grandma died and it caused a huge fight between every greedy person in the family. Work has put a lot of pressure on him as well. He has been so depressed at times that he contemplates suicide and has even been hospitalized or it. But did he ever even consider cheating on me? No way. He loves me and just wants me to help him through this tough time. Your dude is a pos for using his depression as an excuse for cheating.”

“I would not give him another chance and I’d walk away. You deserve so much better than that. If he cheats, he doesn’t respect you or love you. There is someone out there who would absolutely cherish you. Don’t settle on garbage. And if you make excuses for him and believe his excuses, then that’s on you. He’s obviously convinced you that you’re not worth much, which is a complete lie. You are worth so much, so why waste it with someone who doesn’t treasure you?”

“Okay coming from the exact same experience as you… I am still with my man. He had a drinking issue that caused a lot of problems and yes cheating was one of them. To the point and we lost literally everything including our home because of it. We took a little break so I could get back to life. He’s still here but he doesn’t drink anymore and he definitely doesn’t cheat anymore. It all depends on call grown-up your man is really. If it going to continue to act like a child and cause problems then you need to get rid of him and now.”

“Sounds like he gave you a lot of excuses and you fell for them. He drinks and does things he really doesn’t want to do? Seriously? Don’t be a chump!”

“It’s not your job to fix him and you do NOT have to stay with him and wait while he fixes himself. It’s not fair to you. Don’t put yourself through misery just because he has issues. You’ll find yourself suffering. My advice is to leave. If he loves you, he will take that time to seek therapy for his issues, and only then should you consider continuing your relationship. I left my ex so he could fix his issues. His issues were killing me. I became depressed. He sucked everything out of me for years and he chose to not fix his issues. I moved on and I found a healthy relationship. He didn’t. That’s on him.”

“First off, you’re finding excuses to justify his behavior. There is no excuse. Only HE can change himself. It doesn’t sound like he wants to get the professional help he needs, he only wants to self medicate. You don’t need to stick around for that kind of toxic behavior. Cut your losses now.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

45 Likes

I could never get over my partner cheating. That would be the end. No question.

4 Likes

Girl…leave while you can…

Its hard and takes a lot of time,communication, and commitment. We are very open with our phones and we do have the app on our phones that tell where the other is. It is possible if he is ready to change his behavior it sounds to me like he needs to get some help for his mental health. He may not change until he gets that stuff under control. I truly believe in right person wrong time after going through what I have.

10 Likes

You will never get over it, it will always be in the back of your mind. The question is can you live with it and move on.

8 Likes

Hell no. You don’t it will alwags be brought up quesfioned or asked. Not a life to live.

2 Likes

Leave… if you have to track him, it’s not gonna work… The trust is gone…

9 Likes

Been there . Never changes never gets better you never get over it. Don’t waste your precious time

Toxic…even though you may care for him and understand where his faults are dont undervalue yourself and settle

4 Likes

Dont waste your time darlin.

1 Like

If you felt you had to track his movements, than its over. Thats a privacy issue and now youre being toxic aswell. Time to go.

2 Likes

You will never be able to move past it trust me. You will think you are then boom it hits again

You will never ever get over it. You don’t cheat on someone you love.

Sounds like there’s more here than just cheating. He sounds like he has some serious issues that he needs to work on himself. You also have had your trust violated and need to work on repairing yourself on your own. Best idea is to take time apart from each other and heal yourselves. As long as he’s drinking, depressed, and making bad decisions you won’t ever be able to fully trust him because it will be a matter of time before he makes a mistake again which means he can’t be the best partner. Until you fully heal from the hurt you’ve been caused, you won’t be the best partner either.

As for getting over someone cheating on you, the truth is you never do. You learn to live with that knowledge and either learn to cope or go your separate ways.

5 Likes

Screw that.
You never get over cheating. There is no forgiveness for anything of that nature and there are no excuses.
Just no. Cheating is an ending. Time to move on.

5 Likes

I am bipolar, however I rarely drink but I would never cheat on my husband. If you truly love someone, you would not ever do that. Depression and alcoholism is never an excuse to cheat, it is a cop out to not take responsibility for what he did. Had you not discovered it on your own, he wouldn’t have told you and now he is just using his depression and alcoholism to manipulate you.

6 Likes

Meh, I wouldn’t be checking on him until you really really think he’s cheating again. Give him time to let him earn your trust if he’s willing to stop cheating.
If he catches you Checking on him you’ll lose trust with him, then odds are he WILL cheat again. Check yourself everyday :metal:t4:

2 Likes

“He has a lot of issues, and he’s depressed a lot, so he drinks a lot and does a lot of things that he doesn’t want to necessarily do, but does anyway because he thinks it’ll make him feel better.”

To me it sounds like you’re sticking up for his actions. It sounds like he could use some professional help. Maybe try couples counseling. If it were me I’d be out. That’s one thing I couldn’t get over.

4 Likes

Maybe couple counseling? Than separate counseling. I’m not sure if you can repair that trust but if you really want to make it work couples counseling is a good place to start. Just don’t break yourself fighting for him. If he doesn’t want to put effort in leave. You deserve better if he won’t put any effort in, please remember that. Remember your self worth. On another note I hope you can find a way to heal, sending love❤

1 Like

Dump him the trust is gone.

4 Likes