How do you get your husband to understand the hurt without hurting him?

Sorry in advance for the long post but I need help. My husband and I have been together for 11 years just this past October. We actually lived with his grandparents for about 6/7 years. I have grown to love his grandparents very much as all of mine are deceased. His grandparents pretty much raised him. Just a few days ago his grandmother passed away. I knew this would be hard on him and prepared myself to deal with his hurt and mine. We were out of town from Saturday 1/2 (day of passing) until Wednesday 1/6 (day of funeral). I have never felt more alone in my life than I did during this time. I knew he needed his family and his family needed him. I gave them their space and really felt like a 3rd wheel to his whole family even though they were warm and accepting; if you knew his family there wasn’t much sincerity to their version of warm and accepting aside from one or two people. My husband has never been the emotional type, very closed off. But to watch him be emotional with his family but turn around and tell me he’s fine and be very snippy and short with me really hurt. I understand my 11 years of knowing her doesn’t amount to the lifetime they’ve had with her but I was still hurt. I wish I had my husband to lean on but I knew he needed me more. But it really felt as if he didn’t need me at all. If felt as if I was just there. On the day of the funeral I made sure he knew I was there for him. However, he stayed by his grandfather’s side (which I’m not saying he shouldn’t have because I’m sure that comforted him); cried with his family, held his family. But during that funeral I broke down and went outside to cry and some stranger comforted me. He didn’t even give me a second glance or even turn around to his son who was crying. He hugged our 9 y/o son twice during the whole time and I got one very short hug at the end. Every time I ask if he is ok or what he is thinking about I get the typical response “nothing” or “i’m fine” but his family gets every emotion I have been asking him for for 11 years. I am trying so hard to be understanding of his situation as I have lost all my grandparents. But it’s really hard to constantly give emotional support to someone and be rejected and all at the same time have literally no one. I haven’t said anything because I feel like my issues are minimal compared to his at the time. Am I wrong to feel alone or feel as if I just literally can’t give anything else? Is it wrong for me to want to close my self off during a time like this when he needs me most when I’ve tried for 11 years? I really don’t want to say anything because 1. I don’t want him to feel like I’m trying to make this about me and 2. I have a feeling it will get thrown in my face.

1 Like

I don’t think you should close yourself off love. Ge is grieving in his own way and he still needs you there even if he isn’t showing it the way you think he should be.

Trust me. Just your presence is helping him love.

Be strong.

2 Likes

I completely understand how you feel but I want you to know that although 11 years feels long sometimes it takes more time for someone to completely open. I have been married for 20 yrs and it wasn’t until year 12 that things started to change for us. Life happens and the more you go through together the closer you become. Just do what you can and be the quiet strong support. He appreciates it more than you realize.

1 Like

Thank you. I hope I am helping even though it doesn’t feel like it.

1 Like

Thank you. He is a very closed off person and is not emotionally open. Sometimes I feel like once he does open, something happens that closes him off again. We have been through a lot and I can only hope I helped during this situation. Which is one of the reasons I haven’t said anything to him about how I was hurting because I didn’t want to add any extra stress or anything else to worry about when he is dealing with the death of his grandmother; especially this being his very first death of someone so close to him. He deserves to grieve without me telling him I was hurt in the meantime by more than just situation. I guess it’s just my insecurities and my doubts that make me feel this way.

1 Like

You’re not in the wrong to feel like this. You were apart of her life for 11 years she was your family too. You have the right to be upset and also be there for him too. I know he may seem like he doesn’t need you at the moment but you being there for him and asking how he’s doing and for him to respond like that is okay. He knows you care and he appreciates you being there for him. It’s definitely hard losing a grandparent. Keep your head up girl, he’ll come around and eventually will want to talk about how he feels and you’ll be there for him because you’re the one he wants to talk too. Sorry if this doesn’t help. Ha. Sorry for the loss!

2 Likes

It definitely does help! It’s different coming from a party with no opinion to either side. I never want to invalidate his feelings by telling him how I feel about everything or making this about me. It’s a tough situation and I honestly just didn’t know if how I felt was right or if I was just being a b**** lol.