My husband brought his seven-year-old boy to live with us nine months ago. Grandma had the kid for two years because his own mom did not want the child. I recently traveled to visit my family overseas with my nine months baby for a month; I have not seen my parents since 2016. My mother in law came to take care of my stepson. When I came back, my husband was mad at me for leaving for a month. He told me I have a responsibility to take care of my stepson. I told him I could visit my family whenever I want and that I made arrangements for my mother in law to take care of him, and I did not see a big deal. My stepson can no travel with me because of court orders. How much responsible am I for his child? I feel forced to be there for him? I help him with homework, cook for him, do his laundry, organize his room. I feel taken advantage of. Also, I have no right in any decision regarding him. My husband takes any decision of the child with my mother in law. The child’s mom is not in the picture. Have any of you experience this? I am also a new mom to a baby who demands a lot of time. This is causing a lot of stress in my marriage; he gets mad if the child lies: he lies about not having homework, and then he blames me for believing him, or if I can not do something for the child, he gets mad at me. My husband’s moms also play a big role because she is very opinionated. She calls me to tell me to take the child to this activity or other activities. I am getting frustrated and want to run away. We have been married for seven years, but everything is getting worse. I left my job to be at home with the kids so his child could come with us. I feel this was a mistake. Thanks
This does not sound like a good situation for your step son. You do realize non of this is his fault. How awful he must feel. I’m praying for him.
Wow, I’ve been a step-mom for years. I love my husband’s children like just like I would if I birthed them. The children did not ask to be in the situation they were in. The child needs to feel loved by you and not like he is a burden you could do without. Embrace him and learn to love him instead of complaining about the responsibility. You need to sit down and have a good talk with your husband to define the role he wants you have in this child’s life as it seems he is giving mixed signals. The mother-in-law does not need to be injecting herself in your daily life either. This is between you, your husband and the child. Good luck!
Well…my opinion only…you feel invaded by this young boy who has no one but his dad. You are being selfish for not opening your heart and making him feel welcomed,loved and part of the family. He has no
one else and that is not his fault. I say get off your high horse and try to bond with this poor boy and stop dividing the family. Not for nothing but I think you should be feeling a bit ashamed of your self.
Only my opinion…
O hell no!!!
Yes you are his new mom granted he is now in your home with HIS Dad and HIS GRANDMA. He is in good capable hands. You went to see your family and good. Do not deprive yourself from your mom dad, brother,sisters because ur husband feels it is your job to stay and take care of his first born. No, you agreed to be a parent to his first baby good , but also remember that you are entitled to visit your other families. Your husband and nosy MIL need to know what there priorities are.
You need family counseling, asap or your going to have a divorce. Have you thought of adopting the boy, it would show him that you care for a young frightened child. With all these angry adults. And yes you have the right to see your family anytime you like , but as a courtesy you should inform your husband as soon as you start making arrangements.
First of all you called him “The Kid” that’s a red flag to me. Step children are your children in my opinion. When you marry someone, you become one family… there is no “step”. You have the right to go visit your family. That’s something that should be discussed and plans worked out so everyone is on the same page as a FAMILY! The young boy is not at fault here. He needs your support as a mother, he needs to feel that love and acceptance at all times. To answer your question. Your responsibility to him is the same as your own blood child. Point blank period.
I do think you have a right to see your parents and you made arrangements with your mil. Just think how this poor baby feels about not being wanted. If it had been the other way around you would have wanted your husband to take your child as his own. Give that boy love .
He just brought his son to live with you nine months ago, with the grandmother having the child two years prior to that? What was the reasoning for him not doing it sooner? And he gets angry with you for not doing some things? What exactly is he doing? If you are to be that child’s parent, then you are all the way. No way are you just merely a maid, cook, teacher…you get some say as well. Sounds like he wants you to do all the leg work, while someone else gets the recognition as far as having a say. The whole family dynamic has changed with the grandmother no longer doing the raising, and that needs to be addressed. In regards to your trip… What court orders? If the biomom is longer in the picture, that could have been modified by dad with the court.
I had step children and my husband tried to make me more responsible for them then he or their mothers were. I finally went to counciling and she told me I was only as responsible for them as I wanted to be. I didn’t owe them anything, their parents did and anything I did for them was out of the kindness for my heart. If I chose not to do something for them and it forced them to do it einstead then that was fine
If dad, mom or mother in law have a problem with it then they need to go to counciling or go ask a judge who’s responsible and let them decide.
That poor child has already been hurt by his own real mother because she didn’t want him . I agree with your husband on this one… sorry but it sounds like you don’t want the responsibility of being the step parent.
When I decided to marry my husband he already had 2 kids from a previous marriage and I already had 2 kids from a previous marriage as well and even though I already had my kids I took his kids in and raised them like they were mine and treated them the same as my kids.
I don’t blame your husband for being mad because I know for a fact that I would be pissed off if it was my spouse.
Prayers for the little boy
Yea he should be treated as your own, that poor child must feel so unwanted. Thankfully his grandma sounds like she cares. You want your husband to be happy that you don’t want his kid? That had to break his heart. There’s compromises. A whole month? Couldn’t be a long weekend or even a week. Idk seems pretty clear he should be treated as your own
I understand you’re a FTM and having a BABY is stressful, but you HAD to have some understanding what your role to your SO’s child is. If you loved him enough to have a child? You should accept his child as yours all the same. They’re just trying to look out for him. He feel jealousy, needs reassurance, etc. Baby is still young. All baby really wants is food, diaper changed and attention. They always told me. Pay attention more to your OLDEST when having a child. They are the ones who feel the change more. Stop seeing him as just your step son. He needs a mommy who loves him just like you UNCONDITIONALLY love your 8 month old. Js
In our house I had 3 my husband had 2 of whom we had full custody and we adopted 2. They were ours not step not adopted but ours. And yes where I went they all went. I couldn’t just drop them at any time and take a trip to visit anybody. When you make the commitment it’s for that child’s life no matter how you see it.
You made arrangements for your mother in law to be there but did you have a discussion with your husband or did you just tell him this was what is happening? Did you think about the overall impact that your trip would have on your entire family? 9 months ago this little boy went from living at grandmas as an only child to living with his dad, newborn sibling, and a stepmother who doesn’t do it lovingly, mid school year stepmother leaves for a month and grandma comes to help…see how that sounds as an adult, now imagine how jumbled that is for the child.
You need to sit down and decide if you want to continue to be a blended family or if you want to go at this as a single parent that coparents. Either case you need to also figure out how to make this work, this includes talking to your husband about clear expectations and understanding that you cannot make anymore major decisions without first discussing it with your husband.
My first thought is this will not work out because you keep refering to him as your step child if you can’t see beyond that he needs to go back to his Grandmother where he will be no one’s step anything ! Not your fault not the childs fault but I will keep all of you in my Prayers
I’m sorry I’m not one to judge. But when you marry someone with children, those become your children also, to love, cherish, teach, support, and more. It’s both of your jobs to care for the little boy. I would do anything for my stepsons and I have 2, along with our other 2 children. Seems like your complaining about him rather than treating him as if he were yours as well.
My personal opinion.
He is your son as much as your baby is your child. You took the title of stepmother when you married his father.
You take care of that child as you would your own child.
And leaving for a month and leaving him behind I feel is wrong. He looks up to you as his mother now and you left him.
Stepchildren and any child cause stress in a marriage. You make sacrifices for the ones you love.
Do not let caring for your stepson be the reason you want out.
She cares for the child, but I think she is being taken advantage of. She has no say and being blamed for the child’s actions. If they can’t raise the child together there are going to be problems and it will only get worse. He sounds like he could become abusive.
Sometimes tho being the best u can b still wont get u know where…when I married my husband he had 3 kids…2 were out of school one was a senior…I have always treated them like my own…give them love etc…and to this day get the cold shoulder no respect and made to feel uncomfortable…my children have loved respected and adore my husband…the husband in this situation gives her no control over per said child…MIL needs to back up yes it was nice of her to babysit but " mom" is back…how can u care for someone when they make u feel there is a line…prayers