Hey, I need some advice! Here’s the backstory: my husband is about ten years older than his sister, and they have always been fairly close. As they grew older and he was out of the house, and she was primarily at her dad’s, they became more distant, which is normal. When I came around when she was 18 was about the same time, she started to really change. She became a major hippie, was a smoking pot with her dad, and doing all kinds of hallucinogenic drugs, then allowed her 23yo bf to move into her room, and my husband didn’t approve, so communication was limited. When we had our kid, she was happy to be an aunt, swore she’d come around more etc…and it never happened. I’ve seen her maybe five times since our son’s birth, which was almost three years ago. Well, a few months ago she got into a huge fight with her bf, things got kind of physical, and they split up- dad kicked HER out and allowed her bf to stay. She was couch surfing and stayed in her car for over a month sleeping in a beach parking lot. Of course, my husband being the overprotective and family-oriented person said to move in with us. We willingly moved all of our son’s stuff into our room and throughout our house and redid the room entirely for her. I bought new sheets, comforter sets, towels, and a care package worth like $100 to just make her feel more comfortable. Yesterday she came over at 4:30, and she started acting weird. Very unappreciative and snobby. Then it was obvious she was bored sitting at our house…we’re homebodies and enjoy each other’s company so going out every day all day just isn’t our thing. By 11:45 pm, she had a guy friend come pick her up to go hang out. It’s now 8 pm the following day, and we haven’t even heard from her. I told my husband if she’s going to play the game of not showing up or letting us know when she’s actually going to be here, then she can sleep on our couch, and my son will get his room back. He agreed but still seemed adamant we keep the room available for her. I feel like she’s just mad because we don’t do drugs or drink, and we’re a growing family, and she’s only 20. All I wanted to do as someone who’s had a really bad childhood was help her out, give her a safe space and a place to rest her head, but I’m pretty angry at how she’s acting, and it’s visibly hurting my husband…any advice on how to handle things? Or am I overreacting…
Cut the cord let her be on her own shes 20 not 12…
You guys cant be her parent you have your own child. You cant help someone who either dont want help or is using you. It seems she may have to take the hard road in life until she can figure it out. Your husband will have to love her from a distance
whats the big deal about her going out with friends for a couple days? why would she need to sleep on the couch over that? I think u are just tired of her being there honestly.
Yes you overreacting. Let her be her and mind your own business…
She is 20…thats what 20 yr olds do…
Let her be.
Talk to her. Plain and simple. Set up rules with your husband and let her know what they are. “We expect you to be home by x time. If not, we expect a phone call by x time so that we can make sure the house is locked down and safe”.
Don’t expect her to be happy to sit at home with you all day every day just because that’s what makes you happy. As long as she’s coming and going at respectable hours, being kind and helpful, contributing to the house in some way, then don’t nit-pick the parts of her life that you disagree with.
I was kinda going through the same thing
Not allow a drug addict in your home. You have children. You can love her and try to help her without her living there
She’s grown need her own place.
Sounds like she is on drugs, honestly.
She’s an adult and you can’t tell when she can and can’t go out, let alone when she should be home. I feel maybe you’re fishing for a reason to tell her to leave. You don’t need a reason, if you want her to move out, tell her so.
Well… you don’t own her… but you did sacrifice your son’s room for her… maybe just talk to her about how you feel about that? And ask like what her plans are for while she’s there, what goals she has, etc. Maybe try to help her without sacrificing any thing else.
Didnt you say she was 20?? I think you are overreacting. She is an adult - she should be allowed to come and go as she pleases. Maybe some ground rules like letting you know she isnt coming home at night but she is an adult…
Well. She’s an adult, so you can’t really dictate when she can and can’t leave the house.
But you can set some boundaries, like no men over for hook ups, send a courtesy text if she’s staying out so you don’t worry.
No drugs in your home. That sort of thing
I wouldn’t have rearranged my house t0 accommodate a grown, single person to start out with. I would’ve offered the couch and see how things went before moving my three year old child that needs stability and routine. I would tell her that I run a house, not a hotel. You wanna come and go as you please without taking consideration of putting other people out, find a hotel. Sounds to me like she needs a good dose of tough love. Meaning, ya’ll will be there for her as long as she abides by the household rules. Yes. She’s grown, but she isn’t on her own and are putting yall out of your comfort zone in your home. Sounds like she’s not the kind of person you need around your child anyways.
She can go back to sleeping in her car in the beach parking lot. She will grow up or she won’t. I would not have her lifestyle disrupting the peace in my home.
Dear, she obviously only wants help on her terms!! Ain’t going to happen!! If she returns your husband needs to explain to her that you all are more than happy to have her, but she needs to follow a few basic rules!! If she’s not happy w/ that Let her surf!!
She can’t be using your home like a flop house. You sacrificed your sons room so she would have a place to stay. If she isn’t going to be utilizing the room, then move your sons stuff back in.
I would have never allowed her to move in to begin with. For her own father to throw her out but allow the bf to stay, speaks volumes. She is grown. She needs to get her own place.