Back story… my husband was married before me and had a child. I love my stepchild so much, and I’ve always pushed for him to have a good co-parenting relationship with his ex for that reason. Things have always been rocky, lots of manipulation and lies on her part, and keeping their child from him, and custody battles for no reason. I’ve watched her hurt him and his family numerous times. I’ve held the man while he cried because of the stuff that’s gone on. And I know at this point he feels like he just has to go with the motions and has no said otherwise. He won’t see his childlike he wants to. There is a court order, but long story short, the ex has ways to pull strings and get whatever she wants; she knows a lot of people in the legal system. Recently the ex has started doing things differently. Texting him all the time about things that have really no importance to him, he talks to me about it and gets annoyed and rarely says much back unless he’s just nice—trying to tell him about her personal life and love life, which again he pretty much ignores or doesn’t conversate about—and now spending time with his family again behind his back. He addressed it with his family because it bothered him, and it bothers me because they’ve never really taken me in as one of their family even though I’ve tried very hard to get close to them, but they welcome her back after everything she’s done to them and to him. He’s at the point he just wants to see his child and doesn’t even care to play into any of the drama surrounding it. And I support him fully when it comes to that because I love him and my step-child. But how do I get over the feeling of annoyance and anger when it comes to his family and his ex? I would have been so happy for everyone to get along, but that’s not what this is. There’s a lot of lying and going behind his back at this point. Knowing he’s hurting because of what they’re doing and that he can’t even say anything without fear of losing more time with his child is making me so angry. And I won’t say anything because it’s not my place. I don’t want to make this harder on him or my stepchild. So basically, how do I personally handle this? And what can I do to support him? I struggle with being angry because I feel so left out and being angry for him because he feels so helpless in the matter. Any advice would be appreciated. And please, before anyone tries to be negative, please understand that I fully support positive parenting, and I do know that people can change and deserve second chances, that’s just not the case here, and there’s a lot of info I don’t want to give out because I want to remain anonymous and not risk anyone seeing this. A lot of really awful things have happened and it’s not that me or him are just being petty or don’t want to get along. I’m purely asking for advice on how to help him and how to let go of my anger and just let it be what it is.
Do nothing. Run. Leave the bm alone and do your life together. Don’t let a ex and her ill spirit ruin both of you. Let her fight aloe. Let her raise that child alone. Do things without the child for the child. Keep a journal and write to the child. Celebrate the child without the child. Reach out once via email or text and screen shot it and put it in a picture album. Something you have to let go in order to be happy and move on.
If there’s a court order in place it doesn’t matter what bm feels like. He needs to follow through and hold her in contempt. It’s frustrating but just be that person he can vent to and stay quiet
I would say to have him keep trying, with the courts and stuff. I know it may not change anything but at least he can say he tried and his child will see that he did try when they are older. Just be there for him, there isn’t much else you can do.
I’ve been thru this before. Don’t try to fight it. It only makes the family push back against you and him more. Let them continue to play into the drama and you and him take care of your household and your step child when your suppose to. I highly doubt it will last long on his family side once you and your husband don’t play into their bullshit.
Start a journal and keep track of times he tries to see the kid and she won’t let him, keep track of everything. When she’s late dropping off or picking up or doesn’t show up. When the time comes, give it to your attorney.
If there is a court order and he has visitation time ordered, she can’t stop that. And if she does, you take her back to court for violation. He’ll get make up days. Ask for the app, its like $99 bucks and they can only text thru that, you can’t delete or alter anything, so everything that’s said is recorded so she can’t lie and say he didn’t try to see the kid or, lie and say he said something he didn’t, anything like that.
It is possible to maintain a relationship with the kid without having one with her.
As far as his family goes, you cannot control what other people do.
Anyone else wondering if this woman is getting the truth from her husband? Just saying… Sounds a lot like my ex who lies like he breathes. Says all kinds of lies to cover his own issues.
Idk just seems off to me
Eh it’s difficult . I support healthy relationships but even yesterday the father diminished my sons 3D animation cause it ain’t his on paper art . My kid spent 2 years learning how to do it. Anyway his perfectionism is toxic . In my situation tho I do have all say because Of court and his absence. Whether he changed or not he also did somthing Cas worth . So yeah. But if the family wanted to talk to me or my kid or invited me over then it’s about the kid not anyone else .
Well sounds identical to my personal experiences with this kind of subject and let me just say being the understanding and wanting the best and most positive outcome DOESNT WORK. literally no one involved will care about you and your feelings and what’s best for everyone but you. So either shut down all that bs real quick or be prepared to deal with all that draining drama for years to come because “you wanted to stay positive” won’t do anything for you. the more you step your foot down and what NOT to tolerate the less they’ll take advantage of. Whoever doesn’t give a shit about your feelings shut them out. From experience you will not get anything good from stepping back and allowing all that behavior. Also if she’s messaging like that there’s something he is bullshiting about in regards to her. Open your eyes and nip that shit in the butt.
You are only getting his side of the story and no matter how well you know him I’m thinking there was more to the story with the custody. It doesn’t matter who she knows in the legal system there would be mediation and if they can’t agree on terms they would be court ordered custody times. If he is being denied custody there would be reason or steps he could do on his part to work towards more time with his children. Something doesn’t add up
I’d encourage hubby to get counseling. It sounds like hes been through a lot and his family seems to be contributing to the exes bad behavior which is probably really hurtful for hubby, unfortunately I dont think there is much you can do alone. Encourage therapy for him and maybe look into counseling for yourself to help find resolutions.
Keep track of everything. If she keeps that child from you guys with a court order in place take her to court. File for contempt. Seriously… fuck who she knows. If she knows the judge request a new judge. I would fight this. This is not just affecting your husband but that innocent child. He should continue to ignore her when he messages her about things not pertaining to the child. As far as his family is concerned… I’ve dealt with similar. I just kept my distance until people slowly see her for what she is and eventually people cut her off and reach out. Sounds like you already tried to have a relationship with them so you’ve done your part. Don’t force it. If people stick by her cut them off. Be selective with who you have in your lives and you’ll find you’re much happier. <3 Good luck.
All you can do at this point is to be there for him just listen and don’t say to much. Sorry to say but he has to set boundaries. I almost have the same situation and I hate to have my husband being manipulated but the kids are not mine and they have to work it out they do live with us so their mother just does whatever whenever she wants so it stinks but I promised myself I wouldn’t get into the mess for my own sanity I would suggest just a ear to listen nothing more for your own well self let him handle it his way
Your mental health comes before any situation or any person who is toxic. Let them go.
I know exactly how you feel. From my experience, document every change she makes, whether agreed to or not. Keep the texts. Any retaliation. Any and all communication via text. Document every petty little thing she does that you can use in a case against her. The catch is, you need to be able to prove that it’s an established pattern and that it’s not just a one or two time thing. Then, take her ass back to court by filing for contempt of court. It takes an insane amount of patience to go this route to just let that bullshit happen without losing your cool. But in the long run, it proves your case and shows bm’s true colors. But let me tell you, when we won contempt of court, that dish was served straight up cold, and it was priceless. Once she realized she couldn’t do shit anymore, they suddenly got along better.
Hire a family law attorney. Go back to court file a petition for contempt of a court order and request a change in venue. State the reason for the change with any proof you may have. Do not ever let him give up fighting for his child. The mother can be many things and refuse visitation, but he doesn’t have to stand by and not fight. When that child grows up they are going to want answers. A child should never have to ask the questions why did you give up, why didn’t you fight for me.
You and him should look into parallel parenting it may be the best option. Try to keep boundaries and let the small stuff go. Also counseling is always a great option, either separate or as couple. Literally anyone can benefit from counseling.
It’s a really tough call but from reading your post, it’s obvious you put his wellbeing first. In fact you put him before yourself. You want to help him but how has he helped you when it comes to his family leaving you out. I know he is worried about rocking the boat but at what expensive. He needs to man up! Go to court. Even if she has contacts, there has to be a way and he needs to stand up to his family when it comes to you. If you carry on this way, your whole life is going to pass by, without anyone having your back.
Go back to court an if she knows ppl in your county courts say that an ask it be held through another court system because of that issue. Follow court orders call police an make a report each time she doesn’t follow it. Sooner or later she will be held responsible for not doing her part. Goodluck