I am having trouble with my man. I have been together for 20 years. Have two kids under six who sleep with me, and he sleeps elsewhere for several years. Our relationship has so many problems. We barely talk unless it’s about the kids. In February 2020, I asked for us to go to therapy. He agreed; we saw someone once. The lockdown for COVID happened, and we didn’t go back again until we started someone new in July. I went a few times but argued about petty surface stuff. He said he wasn’t going to keep going. It was honestly a huge hassle trying to get someone to watch the kids for almost 2 hours. I sometimes go to him and initiate intimacy. Sometimes it happens, and sometimes like tonight, it doesn’t. I’m so hurt because I sat by him and just put my hand on his chest but just sat there and didn’t do anything else. I didn’t try to talk, move anything. 45 mins go by, and he still was awake and yelled that he needed to go to sleep. That the tv sleep timer went off 30 mins ago. That I sat in his leg and he was too hot. Honestly, he does because he works at 4 am. He was actually asleep within minutes of shooing me off. I can tell because he snores. But I feel rejected just the same. I feel like if he loved me, he would lose sleep to be with me. I feel like this is a problem men face more than women. I worry our relationship is so broken it can’t ever be fixed. I became pregnant the first time at 31, so I was closer to my 20s; now, I’m closer to 40. I worry he’s just not attracted to me. In our first therapy session, he said he was “somewhat still attracted” to me as a positive. I have lost 45 pounds since then and am only about 20 away from my first pre-pregnancy weight. I get that can be an issue for men, but I’m obviously working on it and losing .5-1 pounds every week or so for the last year. Not only to be healthy but to still be attractive. He has never complained about my appearance, but I was hurt, not reassured, by that comment in therapy. I can do my best, but I can’t afford all kinds of anti-aging treatments like some women can. I have asked if he has someone else, and he says no. I have asked for a “parenting marriage” style relationship even though we aren’t actually married where we agree romance is gone, but we stay for the kids. Parenting together is working, and that part I am grateful for. He’s a wonderful dad. Basically, we would live together but have the freedom to do what we want with who we want in our free time. But he ignores that completely every time I have brought it up. I’m so lonely and unhappy. I know this is just my side and only a small part of all the things we have been through in our long relationship. Any advice? Rejection hurts! Especially since he yelled and was sort of mean about it. I know I need a real therapist, but I just don’t have time between work and my kids. I hate leaving them on my days off, so this group is really all I have at the moment to talk about this.
Boot the kids out of your bed, they’re old enough to sleep in their own bed. My bed is for my husband and I to be intimate and rest. You put your hand on his chest for 45 minutes and didn’t talk or move? Next time try talking and moving. Move the hand down south if you know what I mean! Men are not mind readers, you have to be forward and actually tell them what’s going on and how you’re feeling. I can’t stress this enough, be good parents of course but don’t forget to make time to be husband and wife as well. “Never stop dating your wife, and never stop flirting with your husband.” Be spontaneous, and suggest going for drives or places you haven’t been before, hold hands often, kiss often, and hug often. Affection is important. Treat him how you want to be treated and soon he will enjoy it and return the treatment. I have been with my husband for 19 years and we are still crazy about each other with 4 children ages 14, 11, 10, and 8. Make time to be a couple again. It’s never too late to TRY.
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I think if you want to get some romance back, take the kids out of the bed and invite him back into it.
My advice is don’t stay together for the kids. Separations can be so hard, but you deserve happiness and love too. I think it’s time for you to look inward at what you truly want, and if that is to have a loving partner, I’m sure there is someone out there for you. Kids can grow up healthy and happily, even through parental separations. Always co-parent, but no one says you have to stay in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship. You can do this. Good luck
Sounds like you need to get the kids out of your bed to get some sort of intimacy back. It doesnt aound like its about your apperance rather than you guys,not having any sort of relationship outside of,your kids. I think you need to remember to feed the relationship that created tge kids and make time for it as well and not just have it all be about your kids, doesnt sound like you go,on dates or,anything to make him want anynore,than a parenting relationship ship with you. Step up in your relationship. Its not always about how you look ita about how you act too
I’d file for divorce. Maybe you’ll find the right man when u start looking. If I had to work at 4a I’d be a prick at the end of the day
Damn, how sad. You only have 1 life to live. Make the best and most of it. Why stay together just cause you have kids together? You both deserve happiness and it doesn’t sound like either of you are happy. He would have continued therapy no matter what if he wanted the relationship to work, and saying hes only somewhat attracted to you is messed up. Make yourself and children happy and do you.
Someone else will love you for who you are, no matter if there’s a few extra pounds. Know your worth and love yourself. It’s easy to say and hard to do believe me but work on that and your confidence will boost. If it’s too late to fix it then it’s time to move on, life could be better after some time, just have to be positive and put out in the universe what it is you want. Pray that everything happens for a reason and that this too shall pass. Best of luck
Not sure what your ages are but men just like women go through changes at different ages in life - he works hard gets up at 4am and goes to work for however many hours and not sure what he does but going that early to a job makes anyone tired when they return home and it seems both of you working it’s hard on both of you and having 2 kids to boot. Make your kids sleep in their own beds in their own room they are definitely old enough - occasionally sleeping with mom and dad sure is okay but mom and dad need mom and dad time before midnight and no sleep. Have the kids in bed by 9pm get dressed in intimate clothing or maybe nothing at all and invite your man in for a few hours of non-interrupted fun or ask a friend/family to watch the kids overnite and things might liven up between the two of you. Good Luck.
Why are your kid still in ur bed? Think about how he feels you kick him out of his room and his bed for years now. The kids should have been out of ur bed along time ago. You wonder why ur relationship isnt good anymore or that he doesnt wanna have sex or anything anymore with you. Kick ur kids out of ur bed and bring ur bf back bed with you. Think about how he has been feeling his whole time.
How old is he ?
Sweetie if you guys are in your 40s
It’s most likely him going through some stuff
Maybe he needs help with some leveling in his body to help with the intimacy part
I think he probably wants to but is ashamed of the changes
Get the kids in their own room. He probably thinks you aren’t interested
Start with getting the kids in their own beds? I mean really? My guy would be pissed if the kids took up the space he’s supposed to be in! I mean isn’t that obvious? The man needs sleep in a comfortable bed next to his lady… Like come on!
Put the kids in their own room. I have 4 kids ages 8,3,2 and 1. And sometimes when they get nightmares they sleep in our bed. And on those nights my husband sleeps on the couch. I keep putting them back in their beds and they end up with us again. He probably feels like your worry more about the kids sleeping with you and less about him. Also don’t just sit on him, or just rub his chest, men don’t think half the time and think we just want to snuggle. You have to do more than that if you want to show you are wanting intimacy with him. Start asking him how he feels everyday, how was work, what he needs, etc. A good book to read is the 5 love languages. It helps you understand the type of love/affection he needs every day to keep him happy.
Reach in his pants next time, I know it may feel forced at first but with time maybe things can change.
I guess I am confused about why you want to stay? Are you dependent on him? You sound like your existing is wrapped up his approval which you haven’t had in a while?!’ You should try and get yourself some hobbies or do therapy yourself. If you could have a conversation than ask him about these things. There’s no point in a couples counseling if you both don’t consider yourself a couple. That’s where you start. What if he doesn’t. What if this is good enough for him because it’s worked all this time? What are you going to do then? Life is too short. You are modeling an unhealthy and unhappy relationship to your kids. You all deserve better. It sounds like you are in a situation ship that has gone on way too long. Talk to him and take care of yourself and your kids.
Leave. Don’t waste any more of your life on a man who doesn’t love you. Never stay for the kids. You’re teaching them this loveless toxic relationship is normal and they will repeat the cycle. They need to see their mother happy and loved correctly. After 20 years he ain’t changing. You live once. Don’t spend your best years begging someone to love you. There is a man out there who will worship you! And your kids! You deserve so much better and so do your children. Why continue to give someone chances to disappoint you? Love is not enough to make a marriage last and I promise you once you move on you will wonder why you waited so long. There is nothing wrong with you, he is just incapable of loving you correctly. Know your worth and do better for yourself.
My gramma used to say “you’ll have whatever you’ll put up with”, it dont get any simpler than that
Date night set one once a week, see if you can rekindle something here, I think it’s possible and sounds hopeful. And get the kids out of your bed today!.