Husband does nothing around house and berates me when I ask for help

Hello,
My husband and I both have FT jobs outside the home. We also have a 15Mo old son and I am 4 Mo. pregnant with our second. Ever since I became pregnant with our first som, my husband has slowly become more and more selfish, he is actually UN-maturing. He has never once helped me at night with our son (literally he even slept through 90% of my labor) and has only gotten up and in the morning before me 4 times since our son was born. I would only count it as 1 time though because the other 3 times he threw a massive tantrum (throwing things and stomping around. then he went into our sons room got him out of the crib, put him on the floor, then laid down and went back to sleep. I listened for about 5 minutes while my son screamed and my husband snored before I got up.) He literally comes home from work says hi to our son and then plays video games until like 11PM and goes to sleep. Mix in some TV sometimes but that’s it.

Anyways, this has been going on since I was pregnant. I read an article saying that women might be enabling their husbands not doing anything so I tried many tactics to get his help, asking, making a list for both of us to divide chores… I can go on and on but nothing worked. Eventually I stopped doing certain chores. I stopped picking up trash he literally throws on the floor. I stopped cleaning his dishes and doing his laundry. I only clean up my own stuff and my sons and do basic cleaning around the house. I thought eventually maybe he would start helping but its been MONTHS since I started this and… our house is disgusting and he doesn’t care. occasionally he will get angry the house is a mess but he blames it on me because I haven’t been cleaning up after him.

He takes no responsibility when he does something wrong and never apologizes. When I ask him for help he screams at me and tells me I am nagging him and being a psychotic B****. Last night was one of the worst times. He got home and was laying on the couch. I was starting dinner and it was only something quick so I needed like 20 minutes baby free to finish it. I asked him to watch our son and he just laid on the couch watching TV and ignored him. then I fed my son and cleaned the kitchen and I said to him “I asked you to watch our son for 20 minutes and you just laid there. I need some help sometimes. I work all day too and I never get a break.” He started yelling at me as i walked up the stairs and followed me to our sons room and he kicked the door to my sons room so hard it broke and screamed 2 inches from my face, spitting on me as he screamed. He said my job was bullst and his was harder so my job didn’t even matter and me expecting his help when he got home was ridiculous. then he said do you see what you do to me I just want to crush your Fing head you are such a goddamn B***. He has never been physical with me and he didn’t touch me last night, but still… I have no idea what happened. He was never like this before I got pregnant the first time.

At this point I don’t know what to do. I feel like this is at least borderline abuse. He doesn’t act like this in front of other people. they all think he must be an amazing dad when in reality he maybe spends 3 hours a week with our son. Do I keep hoping he will magically gain some sort of empathy or self awareness and responsibility? Up until this point I kept telling myself it’s different for men… he will grow into fatherhood it just takes time. But how much time am I supposed to give him to grow up? And I am pregnant with our second child, this is only going to get worse I think… I really resent him and would say my feelings towards him at this point lean more towards hate than anything else.

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It sounds like you are in a very dangerous situation. Verbal abuse can many times turn into physical abuse. You may need to look into finding a safe place for you and your children away from him.

I am worried about what would happen with my children if I leave. At this point it is only verbal abuse and I have no proof. He has no control over his temper… I worry for my child’s safety and well being. If we were splitting up amicably I would of course want shared custody. But in this instance I truly believe it would be in my child’s best interest to stay with me vs him…and with no proof I fear that would not be granted.

Most times children go with their Mother in a separation. Many lawyers will give a free consult and you can get an idea of what you need to do to ensure they are with you. I would recommend talking to a lawyer. Just to get an idea of what you can do.