Okay, so my sister-in-law wants a mother ring which I am fine with as she has four kids, but my question is, she wants to include my child. The backstory here is I adopted her second to the last child because she couldn’t afford to raise it, and it was an unexpected pregnancy for her, and I am unable to have children, so my husband and I adopted the baby. Everything is legal, and she signed papers over that we are her legal parents. My child was supposed to be her last one because of all the trouble that she had with delivery; we almost lost her. She ended up having another child a year later; it was just born a couple of weeks ago. My question is, do I let her add my child in the ring, or do I not let her add it in? Mind you; she doesn’t ask about my child or anything. We only see her at family functions and don’t seem to want anything to do with her. I’m not sure I’m okay with it as it might bring up questions that I’m not ready to answer yet. My child doesn’t know she’s adopted yet as she’s almost three. My husband doesn’t want my child added to the ring. My parents don’t want her added as she’s not the mother I am. I just need advice as she asked me on Mother’s Day and didn’t ask my husband, only me. Thank you.
Get counseling to deal with your infertility grief, narcissism, and need to control. Like it or not, your SIL will always be your adopted daughter’s first mother. Better come to terms with that before you traumatize the child further. And TELL HER SHE’S ADOPTED! That should have been known from the beginning. Keeping secrets and gripping too tight will backfire on you.
Yes, ALL of her children should be in her mother’s ring.
I am an AP- It sounds like you waited a long time for a child and your infertility shook you to your core. Was it a toll on your confidence?
When people have waited for a long time to become a mother sometimes they really want to be the best at that and grapple with defensiveness at sharing or not being everything to the child like the child is to them.
This person went through something undoubtedly very hard in deciding to chose adoption. Instead of helping her financially raise this child, you are now this child’s legal parents and you have to come to terms with the privilege of that.
I am not sure how a 3 year old would notice that the ring had 5 stones and there are only 4 kids and connect the dots to start to ask questions but being adopted. Her adoption shouldn’t be a secret from your little one. Now is the perfect time to start talking about her adoption or reading books about her adoption like A Mama for Choco or Little Miss Spider.
If her natural/first mama wants to include her in the ring, why not? Your SIL having a ring or a stone with a ring doesn’t make you any less of this child’s mother does it? She did give birth to her and then chose her own brother and you to raise her. As this child’s aunt she will be part of her family for ever.
I also caution you that If this is how you are feeling when she is only 3 and over a ring, what will happen when she is a teen and seeks out her aunt because she feels a natural connection with her or her siblings? Yanking her away or lashing out in a possessive manner may push your daughter away. And as many adoptees have posted, cause her to feel controlled or angry towards you. You can’t project your feelings of insecurity or desires onto your kiddo because you are giving her a lot. Don’t be threatened that her aunt and first mama can also offer her that bond that was created in utero. You won’t win and it can cause a rift in the relationship you fought so hard to make with your daughter.
Time to read primal wound and grieve the infertility you experienced.
Also, buy SIL that ring- include daughters birthday stone and start showing grace and gratitude for the opportunity to be a mom - those are likely the qualities she saw when she picked you.