I am afraid my husband's mom won't be consistent in our kids lives: Advice?

I don’t know what to do. This morning my husband told me something huge. His mom reached out to him. Now for context, as a child, his mom left him and his sister. She just dropped them off with her sister and left the state. She came back around when he was 19 and told his sister, her daughter, to not have children with me because she didn’t like my mom when they were growing up. So he cut contact, and we continued to live our life. He tried reaching out at our firstborn baby shower. He sent her pictures of it and sent her a message offering her the chance to be in his life. She never messaged back. Now that boy is two, and we have a two-month-old. And she reached out last night. She told him she was proud of him and happy for him. He sent her pictures of the boys and once again said he would love for her to be in their lives. When he told me about it this morning, he already had his hopes up. He was saying how the boys could have two grandmas that act like my mom. (Who spends almost every weekend with them, buys them things all the time, constantly video calls to talk to the toddler, just overall a very positive role in their life.) And while I hope his mom will want to be that way, I’m terrified that she will just leave again and leave all my boys heartbroken.

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She’s going to break the hearts of 3 boys this time :cry:

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Is it possible to come to her? For instance my mil doesn’t come to events when invited (we live in different towns about 50 miles apart) but we have called and said we are going to be near and would like a visit. She is always warm and has gifts for our boys (always belated Christmas/bday) unfortunately that is the only way we are able to have her in our lives.

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My husband’s mom up and moved out of state when he was a kid. She left a 12 year old to get evicted. He called to announce the birth of my 8 year old, and she yelled at him for not calling on mother’s day. She tried calling a few years ago, but he wouldn’t speak to her. I don’t want her around my kids, and I have never met her. She doesn’t even know how many grandkids she has, and it’s better for us that way.

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I am praying for your family.it does sound like she would break 3 hearts if she chose to be close to your kids then left. That’s a tough situation to be in, praying she puts the kids feelings and little hearts first.

My advice is your husband and his mother should establish a lasting relationship first, and then grandkids come later.

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Sounds to me like he’s getting his hopes up for nothing :cry:. She sounds very toxic and I doubt she will ever stay around. I would say maybe allow her to have a meal with y’all once in a blue moon when she wants to show up. But, your kids are smarter than you think and they will realize what she is doing. They will realize she doesn’t care enough to stick around. I had grandparents who didn’t really want to be in our lives too. I see them once in a great while for a meal, and then we all go on with our lives.

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Ugh. He needs to stop. She is toxic and be toxic to your children. You need to protect them and him. I get that everyone wants to believe the best of their mums. In this case, his trust is misplaced

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It’s unfortunate but this happens

Sadly if she makes that mistake thats on her. It will be her fault the kids don’t want to see her

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Before she is allowed to be in their lives she needs to prove herself. Your #1 job as a parent is to protect your kid. Don’t let her break your kids hearts.

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His mom didn’t like your mom probably because she was definitely a better mother. She’ll never be different or reliable. I would never count on her for anything. 🤷

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Sadly shes not going to stick around. Some women just aren’t made out to be parents hun.

Not all people will embrace family…sad for them because they miss out on what is most important in life…
She may drop in now and then but definitely don’t expect her to be like anyone else…she is who she is and you won’t change that.
If she decides to visit then so be it…if she promises to do things and never show up then she would be emotionally hurting your husband and kids…you just have to wait and see what comes of this…

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You need to put your foot down with her, that if she disappears on your husband and grandchildren, she’d better stay that way.

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She left her kids because she was not mature enough to deal with her own issues. She came back trying to change his life because she didn’t like a person who was in it. Still not mature. She left again. Two years later after ignoring his efforts of reaching out, she contacts him again. No matter how bad you want someone in your life until they are ready to grow up and stop being selfish stay away from them. Do not bring toxic people in your life, your home, your children’s life. Yes it will hurt you to say no but it can kill you and those around you if you say yes. We can’t choose family but we can choose to let them go.

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I told everyone about this rule that I have. I basically told them that I’m not gonna beg anyone to be in my son’s life and that you’re either in or out. There’s no going back and forth. Once you’re in, you’re in and once you’re out, you’re out.

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I’d be more worried about your husband being hurt. My daughters (4 and 2 and a half year old girls) grandparents on their fathers side can be like that. They come in loving on them and buying them things and they can have fun together. But it’s inconsistent. I just roll with it and don’t make a big deal of it. My parents are very involved but the girls have never compared them

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If you stop this from playing out it will fall on your shoulders. Hang in there, worried momma. People show their true colors relatively quickly. Bless your hubby’s heart he just wants the world for his babies. Hugs

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Unfortunately we can not control what others do. If they choose to Walk away that’s their choice. Give the children the opportunity to see them and be with them.

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