I am pregnant by someone I didn't know was married: Please help!

I had a nice FWB relationship going with someone I considered a pretty good friend. We met on an online dating page. We were both upfront and decided we wanted FWB only and to keep it casual. He was more private with his life, but I wasn’t ever pushy and let him have his space. We both have careers and work a lot, but we had dinner, did lunch, and on occasion, I’d stay the night at his house. We always used protection when we had sex. This went on for months without incident, and we actually got pretty close. I had fun with him, and I thought he was a great guy. Around Valentine’s day, he invited me on a getaway, and we let loose a little too much. A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant despite using protection. I was confused and not sure I was ready to be a first time parent with someone who I only hooked up with. Naturally, I was quite upset, and I called him to discuss the situation and weigh out our options. He didn’t answer. Now, normally, it might be hours, days, or a week before he would answer my messages or calls because, as I said, it was casual, and we are both goal-orientated on our jobs and keeping stuff friendly. I just couldn’t wait that long, so I decided I’m gonna pop over to his house and see if he’s home and has a few minutes. I pull up, and his car isn’t there, but there’s a van in the driveway. I knock on the front door, not thinking anything, and a woman answers with little pajama-clad toddlers hanging onto her. I still don’t connect what is happening, so I ask if he’s home, and she says, , who are you? May I help you? I didn’t want to say who I was if this was his sister or a family member so I say I’m a friend. And she is visibly irritated by my presence. And she hits me with well I’m his wife hold on a second and I’ll call him. She closes the door, and I full-on sprint to my vehicle, crying, trying to get the hell out of there. How had I not noticed Mr. Suburbia had an entire family but it finally all made sense. The privacy wasn’t because he was private it was because he was a scum bag cheater and now I was his accomplice. I drove home sobbing still not knowing what to do and now thinking about those poor kids and that lady who probably never deserved to be cheated on. An entire day passes and I get a text from Mr. cheater himself and he is angry!! Imagine that. So after he hits me with the hate-fueled, how dare you to come by uninvited texts, and I have to tell him that I’m pregnant begrudgingly, and yes, the baby is unfortunately yours. I was waiting for more anger and he just calmly says can we talk. I thought we were!! He meant in person. I agreed, and he came over the next evening. Surprisingly he was very tender about it and even seemed excited. I was so confused because part of me was also getting a little excited at the prospect of being a mommy. But the situation was weighing on me. I can’t be with this man. He lied to me. He lied to his wife and more importantly he lied to his kids. I was angry but I tried to hear him out. He went on to tell me that the marriage was essentially a trap that he wasn’t ever in love with her but early on in his career he has a FWB situation that resulted in pregnancy and he did what he thought was the right thing. He now said he had fallen in love with me over time but never could do anything about it except love me from afar. And that now that I was having his baby, he wanted to do the right thing, he just wasn’t sure what that meant. He cried and told me he knows what people will say and that he knows it makes him look like an asshole but he never had the love of his life. He went on to say he suspected his wife got pregnant on purpose and that he never accused of that because it takes 2 to tango as he put it. He said he had made a mess out of things and he would do whatever I thought was best. I told him to tell his wife the truth!! So he went home like a puppy with his tails between his legs and spent the next 2 days telling his wife everything. I still didn’t know what to say or think. His wife contacted me, and she didn’t have anything nice to say to me. I made sure she was aware that I had no intention of being with a married man let alone a father and that I felt just as betrayed. This had no effect. She went on FB and started to slander me. She was so angry and the venom that woman spewed at me seemed to have no end. I had no intention of contacting him again, I was that angry. I assumed he had lied to her or something of that nature. But nope! She was just a very angry person. He let me listen to voice clips he had taken in the past and during their recent argument that would make a sailor blush. She ran him down, called him names, pushed him, hit on him, and would blow up over the smallest things. He showed me months worth of text messages in his phone where she called him a tiny penis man, told him to f off, called him gross, ugly, a deadbeat, and then turn right around and post on FB about her perfect life. He was in tears. I still have no idea what to do? He says they are divorcing, and he’s letting her have everything because of the kids. He wants us to be friends and work on building trust and on having a friendly relationship for our child, and he has said it more than once he hopes that maybe one day we could be together. He thinks he needs counseling for the abuse he went through, and so he can come to terms with the affair he let happen. I saw him over the weekend and my heart broke for him. Am I naive for thinking he’s actually a good man behind everything? Should I just wash my hands of him? Or does anyone believe that our mistakes are redeemable? That we can make changes that are positive even when we really mess up?? Since getting pregnant, my entire mindset of wanting FWB has changed. I want a family and someone to call my own. Should I give him a chance after he gets help? Or is he a lost cause?? Please help!!

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It sounds like he’s a lost cause because who would mess with somebody else when you are married.that makes it seem like the cheating type if you reverse the situation we’re if you were married to him and he dated her and got her pregnant that’s how I would see it.

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No, don’t give him a chance. He’s a shitbag.

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Oh hell girl. Good luck :rofl:

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I felt like I was reading a life time novel. Wow. That’s intense. No advice, good luck.

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Hes still this kids dad. So hes gonna be in the picture unless he decides to give up his rights or something happens. I mean, I’m not saying marry him but I’m not saying just out him. Yep what he did was wrong but hes still the dad to your baby.

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I wouldn’t necessarily give him a relationship chance but he is still the father of your child. So you should atleast be cordial for your child and coparent as best you can. Best of luck. Sorry you are going through this

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He will leave your ass for next mistress and youll be the woman with pj clad kids hanging on your leg when she knocks

Only contact him when it comes to the pregnancy and see how much he really wants a divorce. Men CAN get abused just like we women do. If he TRULY DOES want out and wants help and wants to improve his life…the ball is in his court.

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Lost cause if he cheated on his wife with you he will cheat on you I would talk him you guys can go parent set up a parenting plan and child support if necessary. But absolutely do not do anything else with that man untill he is fully divorced and gone thru counseling

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He showed months worth of txts of the abuse, I’d say he is telling the truth. He isn’t just saying the relationship was a bad one, to make himself look good to you.
Unpopular opinion here I guess. But he isn’t asking to go straight to a relationship, he’s asking to take the time to possibly build a future together. He understands he fucked up. I’ve been there. Doesn’t make it right, but it’s a reason why it happened. Unhappy marriages can push people to go outside the marriage.
If it was me, I’d give him a chance. 🤷

If he will cheat with you he will cheat on you!

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If he wants to be civil and in the baby’s life, let him. But being with him… just remember he cheated on his wife. There could always be the chance of him being unfaithful to you.

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No. Have the baby. Move on. To a point I can understand the wife’s anger. My ex husband cheated on me and the woman later ended up pregnant. She had also been cheating on her SO but the baby ended up not being my ex’s. She was wrong to blast it on Facebook however. That sort of thing should not be blasted out for the world to see. I’m glad you were honest though. That sort of thing is rare. As hard as it is you need to leave that man alone. If he did that to her that easily do you honestly think he won’t do it to you? You deserve better than that and so does that baby.

How did you stay at his house and not notice anything? Like family photos or other female items? This whole thing is crazy. Elizabeth Waldo.

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Considering the fact that he hid his marriage and family. Just imagine what could happen with you. Doesnt matter if he never loved her. He loed and betrayed both you and his wife. I say drop him. I dont blame you. Yoou never knew he was married but to people who dont know the whole story will call you a homewrecker and it will make you look bad staying with him.
Drop his ass quick only contact him or matters regarding your child. No more, no less. You will find a good man out there that wont lie to you.
Good luck boo.

Honey if he’s going to cheat with you, then he’s going to cheat on YOU.

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I have no advice for you. I wish you the best mama! Hang in there :blue_heart:

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No. Dont give him a chance. You only know one side of the story (his), so you never know how he really is. (Other than a liar and a manipulator obviously). Its up to you on if you want him in the childs life or not. I personally would do supervised visitations (bc hes a stranger obviously) but that would be about it as far as that goes.

It sucks because this is a sticky situation. I’m glad he went home and told his wife the truth instead of another alternative. I think it would be good for the child to try and find peace so it can have both parents. Best of luck!

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