I am stressed and depressed due to my husband not helping with the kids or house: Advice?

I’m on my 2nd marriage, three kids total, under seven years old. I’ve been with my husband for 4.5 years. Right now, I’m literally depressed. I’m so stressed out. My husband isn’t much of a talker so. Therefore, he rarely supports me(mentally & emotionally), doesn’t ask how I’m doing, how my day is going. When I try to tell him how I feel and such, he’ll be like, “oh ok,” and that’s it. It makes me feel like I’m not being understood. Sometimes he talks like he’s right, which I absolutely can’t stand. He works 12 hours a day Monday-Friday. All he does is discipline the kids and just chill out on the couch with his phone and his iPad. He doesn’t read books with the kids(we have one child together, other 2 are mine), he doesn’t play board/card games with them, basically does nothing with them although he may pick on them for fun once in a while. He helps out around the house a little. I’m a stay at home mom, so sometimes he comes home and would just immediately nag about this or that, kind of like he has HIGH expectations of me when it comes to household chores. We have a 15-month-old son; sometimes, it’s just not easy getting chores done. If he can have a 1.5 hours break(2 15 min and 1 hr lunch), then why don’t I get breaks too??? I’m just depressed because I’m just so damn stressed, I don’t feel appreciated, I don’t feel like a wife, I feel like a roommate/caretaker. I’m just really lost right now.

34 Likes

my reaction is…….was he like this before? was he good with your kids before? maby a councilor is need? the basic thing needed to be done is for you to be in contact with mental health ass. and request help just so you can get back up to par then progress on to what ever is needed to be done.

Get a job. Even if it’s just enough to pay for child care. It would give you someone besides your husband to talk to and something else to think about.Start your own business from home. If some of them are school aged then child care would be even cheaper. Make a show of some form of independence not to prove a point to anyone but yourself.

14 Likes

In my opinion, you sound extremely lazy. I work full time, go to school, have 2 kids, and maintain a spotless home. Is it easy? Absolutely not. But neither is working 12 hours a day. Neither is stepping up to a plate another man left on the table.

Hire a maid. Usually hitting them in the wallet get’s em off their ass

13 Likes

I’ve been doing that for 25yrs. :pray: thinking of you

2 Likes

Getting a job is a great idea, skip child care, find a part time when he’s off and let him watch the kids…If he’s not down start planning your next move, cause if you can’t leave him home with the kids, then he’s not really much of a father…Set the expectations for him…I work at least 50 hours a week, single mom and my kids are teens involved in school. Push for your happiness too…

You need to sit down and tell your husband how you feel. How do you expect him to know how you feel if you dont talk? And you said hes not much of ta talker. You knew this before marrying him though. Sometimes guys suck at understanding us girls, but if you talk to him and bring a couple ideas up, you may have a better way at him understanding it. I was and still am depressed and my husband didnt get it at all until he went to therapy and counseling with me and learned about it. Now he gets it and understands it more. But it took me talking to him and asking him to come with me…

You need to talk to him and tell him how you are feeling and depressed,men unfortunately most cases don’t notice things when they are busy themselves,talk to him:)

1 Like

I agree with the person that said to get a job…It will get you out of the house, give you a break from the children, and give you something that is yours and yours alone.

8 Likes

My husband complained about the same thing with me. I laugh at him and ask him if he’s a female. Why stress over such small things?? He used to leave all the time and I was left with the kids so I pulled what he did. He got to experience the questions and such from the children. Where’s mom? Why does she always leave? I want mom! And now he helps more often. We do things as a family even if I have to drag him by the ear. Lol that roll too has flipped and he has to drag me everywhere now lol. Yours may not understand either. They are raised to show no emotions. If they do, they’re weak. They don’t know how to respond because nobody taught them. Don’t stress over tiny things.

Was he like this before the marriage?? Did you think he was going to change? I worked like that and my significant other stayed home guess what didn’t feel like talking much either. It is hard when all the responsibility of paying all the bills is on 1 set of shoulders.

Pretty much it is. He works 60 hours a week plus drive time. If you are a stay at home mother what else do you think you are supposed to do? Sit on the couch and eat bon bons and watch soaps? I’ve done both stay at home mother and worked. You could eat off the floor, 3 meals plus 2 snacks, gardened, canned, mowed lawn, landscaped. I also did little league, boy scouts, play dates, school activities. Whether you are appreciated by the other or not. It’s about how much you love your children and home as well as yourself. You just have to have a routine. It can all get done without being stressed. Even when I was a single mother, I did it all. You have to have a positive attitude about it instead of “why do have to do everything”. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Good luck and be determined.

21 Likes

Was he a talker before you met him? Did he help out with the house and kids in the early days? If not, that is who you married so no point complaining now. Its time you did something for yourself. Get outside interests, social interactions with others is one way to refuel your cup. Join a mums group for example. Dont rely on him to fullfil your need to vent.
Also, how is he feeling? Have you asked? Im sure he might be feeling overwhelmed that in a matter of 4 years he has two step children, one of his own and a depressed wife to come home to after 12 hours of work.

6 Likes

Wow I’m so shocked at the comments on here. First off…depression is no joke, so it’s not as easy as some of you may think for her to go and get a job, or do something. Some days are harder than others. Also, just because you’re a stay at home mom, doesnt mean everyday that you’re going to get a whole.lot done, because you have kids to take care of. And just because it may have been easy for one mother doesnt mean every mother is the same way. I think you just need to sit down and talk with him and tell him how you feel, and see how he feels. Maybe when he comes home, he just really wants the dishes done, or something like that. Communication is key. My husband and me both work, different shifts, but I know as long as I do the dishes and keep the downstairs area clutter free, hes happy. Marriage is about teamwork love. And I feel really sorry for some of the advice your getting on here. Sounds like a lot of you ladies just settled for any man.

Join a mums group take baby to park stuff your house work

1 Like

I’ve been doing the same thing for 16 years now. I think you slowly build a tolerance for being on “your own” and not caring anymore.

Either speak up, give him an ultimatum, or leave. There really isn’t any in-between on a situation like this.

2 Likes

He could also be battling depression so maybe talk to him to see if that’s the case. They say men mask their feelings and won’t admit to it but it’s a start. I just got out of relationship and I realized I got very down because everything about him was going negative.

Tell him that you need couples counseling. If he won’t listen to you maybe he will listen to a counselor telling nine bringing home a pay check isn’t his only duty.

Sounds like my ex-husband…
Communication is key, he needs to know how you are feeling, plan for a sitter and go out or have a sitter take the kids for a few hours and talk, write things down before hand so you dont forget what you want to address- date just the two of you. Hash out what your expectations are of him as a father/husband. You might feel like just letting it be and do everything but that leads to resentment and more frustration towards him. When he married you he also took on responsibility of your kids from previous relationship, he needs to own that responsibility. Then get yourself organized to help alleviate the stress of handling 3 kids, a stay at home mom is a full-time job! do not think otherwise! Also save some $ on the side, you just never know when you might need it, financial dependency can be daunting (worst case scenario). Maybe counseling can also help? If he doesn’t want to go, then you go and get yourself some kind of mental health assistance, it’s ok, not to be ok, but more importantly doing something about it for you and your kiddies! You got this :muscle: