Can you please post anonymously. I need to vent/help. So to make a long story short. My SO of 11 years and the father of our four children, has been verbally abusive with in the past two years or so. It’s not a constant thing but more when he gets mad. Well, I recently found out that he has been messaging other women, I’m not sure if he’s had sex with them, but I’m almost positive he has. I want to leave, but with my kids being 9, 8, 5, and 1, it would be hard. And he is a good dad to them. He just sucks as a partner. Well, he has always been the provider. I’ve never worked beside a temp part-time when I was younger (about ten years ago). Since I have no job, I also have no money or car. It’s all his, so if I leave, I will struggle with the kids taking them to school and appointment. Now, if I’d leave, it would be to my parents, but they have been trying to sell their house for over a year now. And I feel selfish to ask then to take us in and have then not sold the house to help me. And with them working, I would also have to figure out how to get the kids from place to place and trying to get a job. I also wouldn’t want my parents coming home from work and taking care of the kids for me to work (once I get a job). And working during the day would be hard for childcare reasons. Plus, my mom is also not the nicest to me. She has also been verbally abusive to me in the past because of her mental health. And every now and then does say things that I as a mother wouldn’t say to my kids (body shaming, being disappointed in them). So my options are to stay and put up with SO. Or go to my parents. If I stay, I have to pretend I forgive him and live “normal,” otherwise, he will cut me off of using any money, and I’d have to hear him talk me down till I leave. A shelter is not an option. My kids don’t need to be put through something like that if he was abusive towards them, I would, but he’s actually great with them. My head just can’t think straight to make a good decision.
Tell him you would like to go back to work. Make a 6 month plan to transition out on your own.
leave. go through social services for child support, food stamps, and job training, as well as housing. He will be forced to pay the state if he won’t pay you. If you stay, you’re stuck with what you’ve got
Kids could stay with dad until you get yourself a job and stable solo life.
Get a job. Save your money. Leave. In the meantime, you have to act like you forgive him and everything is ok. Maybe have a chat with him about how you feel and maybe go to counseling? If he says no, then just say ok and make a plan to save money. I wouldn’t go to your parents if it’s going to be the same abuse there.
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Just leave. You will find a way, contact welfare ask for help
I was a single parent, I had two kids. It was best for me to work graveyard shift, I would be home to feed them dinner, bath, story at bedtime. They would sleep while I was at work. I would get home in the morning to get them up ready for school & breakfast. While they are at school, I WOULD sleep!! This may work for you & go to Social services as Polly Workinger suggested. Good luck pray for you & please let us knw how it all works out
Im not trying to sound rude but it sounds like you’ve thought of all the excuses to not leave😥 You have to do what you have to do for not only the children but yourself! What would be worse, staying & putting up with him or moving with your parents and dealing with that situation? Find yourself a first shift job as 3/4 kids are school age and find a sitter/daycare to help! Social services can help with child care, transportation, etc. Explore other options before choosing to stay there or go with your parents. There’s nothing wrong with “making nice” until you can get your ducks in a row but dont get yourself comfortable staying in any place for too long! You CAN do it on your own!! It might seem hard but once you start doing it it’ll get easier! Have faith mama and think of ways to GET OUT and not stay and be miserable!
I can understand your dilemma. We are hard enough on ourselves don’t need anybody else putting us down. I would start looking for a job or schooling so I could support myself and know kids. I would look on line and see what kind of help is out there for a single parent. I would be turning the wheels. And here is another thought if he doesn’t want to help you and his children out then say when you land a job that he can care for the children and you will take them on your days off untill you have a place to take them he may surprise you and give you the place and him move out. Men don’t what to be full time care givers just saying. You did not have them by yourself and should not be the full care giver and have nothing. Good luck and God bless.
Marry him quick, then prove he’s cheated on you and take half lol
Sorry but I have to say this.
Never depend completely on a guy.
Having kids isn’t excuse for not being able to work.
I would look into all local and government funded social services to get yourself on your feet. See if there is an income based apartment? Any churches may help, women’s shelters may have resources for you as well, even if they’re too full to let you stay there, they have the info you may need to look into services. I don’t know if there are any common marriage laws where you are to be entitled to anything else. There may be vouchers to help with transportation. Maybe you could go back to work while living there and have him help pay child care? Or, you can try to do couples therapy to see where he stand? Whatever you choose, know that you can do it without him. It may be hard but you can. I had to throw a restraining order on my ex husband (later turned into a permanent restraining order) with 3 children and even though we were married I had a suspended license, so the judge gave him both vehicles! I was told I could go back when I got my license back and they would change it, guess what he lied saying he lived in the car, they didn’t bring up we had 2 vehicles or let me bring it up, the judge wouldn’t listen, so I’m on the bus with 3 kids. It was hard, I’m not going to lie. 7 years later and I have owned my own car for 5 of those years now. If you have to slowly get what you need (slowly put money away) do it. But never let him know you’re leaving. Just do it when he’s at work quickly, but have a quick get away bag ready in case you have to make a run for it, just in case. If he wasn’t getting so upset with you I would suggest having a conversation with him about the women. You can do anything you put your mind to!
Do like my sister did. File for section 8 as separated, food stamps and any other assistance you can get without him knowing. It may take some time, but very doable. She found a job, got back on her feet and is happy.
For your self esteem I would leave him, abuse effects u and children I would get out. Leave while you still can. Abuse has long lasting effects on everyone
This is the same boat I am in with my husband of 15 years. Theres no love no connection hes a straight prick to me and he can be a jerk to our three girls too. I have no family or friends to run to that live in state. I know with how economy is I wont be able to manage housing and bills on just my income. I’m in mortal depression and I have battling this medical thing that nobody seems to know what it is …
Its scary to think of what to do. We have seperated in the past and he got into a relationship with this crazy bitch who just caused so much drama for me and my oldest daughter. Hes not the type to have common sense when it comes to kids. I just learned he gave our babysitter permission to spank our 3 year old without talking to me about it. So now I have that in my fucking head and I am beyond angry. Who gives someone permission to hurt their own child… wtf
So I dont know girl but I feel for you and I hope you get everything you need to move forward
You should be able to get child support form him. If you apply for welfare, they might help you.
Sorry but hes not being a good dad to them… How is being verbally abusive to their mother, being disrespectful by entertaining other women and possibly cheating being a good dad?
Start working and save money. Bar tending would even be a great job. Tip money and ability to work nights but still get a little sleep before the kids are up. Save enough to buy a crappy car that works!! He will have to pay child support too. You can do it. Just start no matter how small the first step is.
Honestly and this sounds crappy… but make sure you are married 10 years or more. From watching my friends go they this… even 9 yrs 5months screws you over really bad. I don’t know every state… but Wisconsin make sure 10 years married or more if you can.
P.s everytime you go anywhere gas station grocery store, take out cash at check out and stash it. This will help.