I feel like I am living with my friend instead of my fiance: Thoughts?

Here is my problem, and I’m hoping this community can help me out a little with some insight. I have been with my fiancé for almost three years. We both have children from previous marriages. We have been engaged for almost a year. Hard times struck him, and I and we are living with my parents. Although we have different living spaces, we are still a household of seven. Nine, when his kids visit. He got into some trouble last year and got a DWI. Instead of taking charge, the court offered him to go through the Veterans Court to expunge his charge so it wouldn’t go on his record, sighting the arrest and charge stemmed through PTSD from being in the service. This program they put him into is extravagant. It takes up two weekdays, every week for court and meeting with his “probation/court” officer. There are also two weekdays where he engages in the group and alone therapy. He has to call in every morning to the hotline, and if his “color” (that was assigned to him when he entered) is called out, he has to go for a UA immediately. He can’t work full time. He is hard-working part-time. That doesn’t stop his spending. He kinda expects my parents to pick up his slack financially. I refuse to give him money for video games/ energy drinks while he sits on his butt at home for 16+ hours a day playing his games. He is a 40-year-old man. My parents are fed up, as am I. I was married for 15 years to an abusive man, divorced, and was single for almost ten years. I finally found someone whom I bode well with, and then this happens. I have several autoimmune diseases, and I’m on disability. I can’t afford to move out on my own. That’s where he was supposed to help me. Be a man. But he has shown no interest in wanting to be better, no initiative to progress into something more. He is stagnating. In a year, he has gained 80 pounds. He can’t walk without wheezing. There has been no sex for six months. Nothing. No touching. No kissing in a romantic way, NOTHING. I understand this comes with depression, as I have it as well. I am on medication too for this, and so I haven’t made a big deal about the intimacy. I feel like I’m living with my friend. I don’t know how to tell him anything without hurting his feelings or judging him. Help me. What do I do?

7 Likes

so long Charlie. You are involved with a man child who is not taking responsibility for his own behavior. PTSD is real but real men don’t sponge off of you or your parents and play video games. He needs to get his life together. Sounds like he quit working on the relationship a long time ago. Hit the road JACK.

5 Likes

Most importantly you need to take care of yourself and make sure you a good. Then find a way to get him out and move on with your life. He won’t change.

2 Likes

You have to understand PTSD especially stemming from the military. Depending on which service branch & when he got out, obviously he’s dealing with a lot & not sure how to cope. If you don’t want to deal with that then leave. It’s a long process & he probably has no idea who he is anymore & has lost his identity. So he hides behind things so he doesn’t have to face the world. PTSD in veterans is very hard. It’s a daily battle like anything is. My husband is a marine with PTSD. Go to counseling with him & help him through this, if you treat him like a baby he’s going to resent you. He’s lost right now & only you can help him out of it. But it sounds like you don’t want to.

2 Likes

You are a babysitter and caregiver. No reason to be. When times get hard both people step up to the best of their ability. Sounds like only one of you is doing it. He’s using you and your family. You deserve better.

5 Likes

Sit down talk to him tell him how you feel! Then give him a few weeks to get him some living quarters for himself set up. Stick to the date of him moving out! Y’all both go separate ways. Its never going to change he 40! Dnt sit around waisting your life with this guy trying to turn him or waiting for poop to turn into sugar. He most likely going to try and play you asking for more time dnt give it to him! Tell him 2 weeks! If he hasn’t found a place in 2 weeks regardless he still going to be moved out!

1 Like

Your wasting your time. There is nothing more we all need than to be loved and in love. You are not his mother nor are you his lover. Friends dont take advantage of friends so I’m sorry but your not that either. If you love him and want to see if he will change. Live separately. It’s not your problem or responsibility where or how he lives so dont even discuss that.

3 Likes

Sit down have a good conversation with him on this issue if you get no where with the conversation then it’s time he goes and lives with his parents. Being down on your luck is not a pass to use others (your parents) kindness and love.

6 Likes

Ur not hurting his feelings or judging him. He has no feelings for anyone but himself. There’s a saying… U don’t need company to be miserable, u can do that by urself.

1 Like

If he is like this while you are engaged I would hate to see what he would be like if you are married. I say don’t make excuses for him, tell him to leave! You have your own children to take care of!

4 Likes

Get him assessed by the VA and see if PTSD is a disability and how much of a percentage. That will entitle him to a disability check per month. If by chance he is 100% disabled, you may qualify to become his caregiver. Which also pays a stipend to you. If again he is 100% disabled, you could qualify for social security disability. PTSD is a horrible thing. My husband has it. I won’t go into details, but your best friend is his therapist and the American Legion.

3 Likes

Why marry someone if you can’t communicate with them? That’s whole point of marriage. Communication and teamwork.
Maybe go see a marriage or couples counselor

3 Likes

My husband is my best friend. And he doesnt act like that. Your man is not self sufficient and need to get his shit together or buh bye

3 Likes

This is not a good situation. Please get out now. He will bring you down.

2 Likes

Talk to him. Have him talk to someone at the VA about his depression. But the big question is Do you love him? You said you “bode” well with him. I dont know what that means but marriage should be between 2 people who love each other.

5 Likes

Read your post as if someone else wrote it and were asking your opinion. I think you will know your answer then. Best of luck.

1 Like

I can’t give advice, but I’ll sure tell you what I would do… I’d make him leave…

2 Likes

Me and him would have a day of reckoning.

He sounds like he needs some serious help. Do you love this man? Are you going to uphold vows to this guy? If not, then you might as well walk now. Better not to waste another day. If you do love this man, truly love this man. You need to get him some serious health. Sounds to me like a major case of depression. You need to communicate. It is the only way to stay in a relationship

1 Like

Hit the road, Jack, and don’t come back no more, no more…!

1 Like