I feel like my spouse is like my fifth child: Advice?

Please post anonymously. I need advice. I am a mom of 4 and my b/f, and I have been together for three years. The problem is, is I feel like I have five kids instead of 4. When we first got together, things weren't bad. We got along more often than not, could talk without arguing, felt like we were in a love bubble. I didn't have to pick up after him, didn't have to tell him where the dirty clothes go, or where the garbage is. He seemed to listen to me when I spoke. He has turned into a slob, lazy, and unappreciative. Now I am picking up after him daily. Dirty socks on the floor, his slippers, pajamas, robe. Everything like that just all over the house. He leaves his garbage remnants from whatever he gets out on the counters, empty cigarette packs everywhere, coffee cups, throws his cigarette butts all over out front of our house when there is an ashtray outside for them to go, leaves pee on the toilet seat and sometimes doesn't even flush. He would pee outside randomly even if he had just come from inside, where there is a bathroom with nobody in it. There are times he goes outside just to pee. He doesn't change his clothes regularly, most of the time takes a half butt shower, and doesn't even fully wash. At times goes a few days without showering even if he does strenuous things that cause sweat and odor.. The only time he gets fully washed is if I do it myself. I won't shave anything unless I do it for him. I have to get our sons (he's 2) clothes out the night before, or he wears what he slept in when he takes him to the babysitter because I have to be to work early.. (he works too, but our son goes to the sitter unless I'm off) I have to pack the diaper bag for him otherwise he doesn't make sure it's stocked. Have to make him a list of things to send with him as well. If I don't cook, he will just eat peanut butter sandwiches or ice cream; if I don't shop for things they don't get gotten, if I don't do his laundry, he will wear dirty things. I'm at my wit's end, and I don't know what to do. I have tried talking to him nicely, sternly, and daily. I tell him how I feel; I ask him to please pick up after himself. Honestly, I don't even have to remind my 13 and 14-year-old to do these things. He changes for a few days and goes right back to what he was doing before. I love him, and I want to be with him, but I don't know how much more I can take. He has gradually gotten this lazy. Everybody has habits; it's a given. But habits are different than what he is doing. Please help; what else can I do to make him see that things can't be this way. How do I get through to him?
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Leave him! He isn’t going to change

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You should leave him. The fact that you have to give him a shower and shave him is ridiculous. You are his mom basically. Maybe if you leave he will straighten up and change, maybe not. If he does make sure he doesn’t go back to his old habit, if he does then you know he will never really change.

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He needs to see a doctor. People don’t just go from clean and functional to needing help bathing for no reason. If he won’t get help, or you take him to the doctor and they decide he’s fine, or they recommend treatment and he refuses – THEN you leave. Odds are without help he will allow himself to dive deeper into his illness and eventually die or kill himself. You don’t wanna be around for that.

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Just put EVERYTHING he owns in the driveway an strike a match…burn his shit. Then give him his walking papers.

Why are you still with him? I think he’s punishing you. Have you ever heard of Oppositional Defiance Disorder?

I’ve never been married. And so many of these posts make me feel better about that​:rofl::rofl: I would’ve left at the first sign of this shit. Yuck

Wow is all I can say… I’d leave his garbage and dirty clothes on the ground. As much as a mess it might make, leave them. Maybe he will get a clue to pick up his stuff himself. As far as showering/ bathing him goes, a big HELL NO!! He’s a grown ass man and doesn’t sound like he is disabled so he needs to shower him self! Why on earth would that be your job??? Sounds like you are more of a servant than a significant other. I would leave.

Sounds like depression or mental illness. If he refuses in seeking help then I’d leave. Usually this is how depressed men are. You say you love him, then you take him to see a doctor. If he refuses you can leave if you want to. Let him know you love him enough to get the help he needs and aren’t just giving up.

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Congrats you’re his mom.

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Remind him that you are in fact his partner and NOT his mother. Some men can change these behaviors while others cannot. Since he became lazy and sloppy and wasn’t at the beginning, he could either being getting too comfortable or might be suffering from depression or anxiety. Have a sit down with him, maybe ask him how he’s been feeling and ask him why he’s behaving this way. Communication is key here

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It sounds like he is dealing with mental illness.

I would have him seek help, then go from there. I know I had to have my husband make my appointment with a doctor and just drive me there, my depression was so bad I didn’t even realize where we were till they took my blood pressure.

Good luck, and hope everything gets better, one way or another.

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I agree with it being mental health, my partner was the same, always clean and helping around the house, then went to not showering much and sloth mode as I called it, I didn’t have to shower or shave him, I just had to remind him to shower. We spoke to our Dr and it was mental health for sure and his finally getting better and getting some help. Don’t get me wrong we still have our bad days but there getting less often.

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How many mothers would shower and shave an adult son sorry but I wouldn’t if its just from laziness. I’d be kicking arse instead

I don’t miss those days. Girl, after 11 years… I left and have been happy ever since. My ex husband, is still a man child living in a garage years later. They don’t change. And if they do. Its a 3 week thing. Then it goes back. Good luck

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It’s your own fault for doing it…and putting up with it!!!

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Sounds like he knows what he needs to do to be a normal functioning human being…He just doesn’t want to put the effort in. Give him an ultimatum to step up or leave.

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Phew chileee. Leave that grown man baby. He’ll either wake up or not care and you’ll see what your worth was to him. Either way you win. Yes I know they have kids together but it sounds like you raise them alone and you raise him. Life would probably be a lot easier if you dropped the dead weight

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Stop Doing his laundry! stop picking up after him! you are not his maid and you are not his mother!!!
take care of you and the kids and that’s it!!! STOP!!! if he wants to be a stinky pig so be it.
He’s a lazy ass!
You have taken care of him and picked up after him like a little boy so now he thinks that you’re going to continue to do that please please don’t

Leave that’s gross . He is just used to you being his MOM not his wife. Or stop doing it for him just do it for you and the kids and wait for him to try saying something & then tell him he shouldve appreciated it when you were doing it. He is gunna be a bit burnt because yall are good and taken care of .his shit is how he left it dirty clothes and all Dont sleep with him if he ain’t showering though how foul is that . Then definitely leave if there is nothing good from that. But he should be keeping the kid on his day off too fuck that.

Don’t let your kids think that this is right

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Fucking bullshit for sure!! But sadly I’m in the EXACT same situation with mine but 11 wasted years it feels like!! He is my 6th child & 5th boy!! Its disgusting & pathetic!! & feel useless against it!!
Adly mine changes for a few days as well then its back to square one. My now 17 & 20 yr old boys r the opposite of this. His 11 & 12 yr old boys r following his steps & he only sees a problem when it effects HIM.

Omg your bloke is gross wtf are you still with him pull out a boob ffs and breastfeed him :flushed:

I suggest couples and individual therapy

So then grow some balls and leave taking the kids with you

Stu Dee I promise its not me thats wrote this :rofl:

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First before anything else ask him if he is depressed? If he says he isn’t… follow through with below …

You need to just stop doing everything for him. If he leaves an empty pack of smokes on the counter … sticky note it needs to go in the garbage no maids live here. He will most likely throw a fit like a child and say he is a grown ass man how dare you treat him like a child. Then once he does kindly remind him to act like an adult and stick notes won’t be left for reminders.

Girl, same lol. I feel like it just keeps getting worse and worse! :woman_facepalming: if I wanted another child I would have had one! It’s hard!

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You cant make him change he was doing this before u and he’ll do it after u trust me. My ex was the same way but instead of peeing outside he was peeing in bottles :nauseated_face::face_vomiting: n would hide them n I found after we broke up some were spilled too. He never did his own laundry he left things everywhere etc. He was pure nasty

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Sounds like honeymoon phase is over and you need to train him better

Those are his true colors unfortunately

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Omg get rid of his trashy ass, his behavior is beyond disgusting. He has no respect for you, your kids or the home you share together.

He could be suffering from a severe bout of depression. Have you asked him if there’s something wrong?

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The more you take care of him, the more he will let you. I would just leave his mess for him, or if it’s in my way I would plunk it all in his chair or his spot at the table. No way would I be cleaning up after him. And in all honesty, if my husband tried this nonsense, I would call his mother! She would come at him strait!

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Put your foot down and tell him to change. Dont snap out and cause a fight just tell him seriously and calmly -hey your going to have to start acting like an adult, like helping maintain the house instead of being my burden. Tell him your kids deserve a better role model and he has to change or your going to leave. He will either believe you and change or he won’t. Then leave if he wont. If he really loves you he will want to help you and be the man and leader of the house. If hes not capable he’s not ready for a relationship.

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If things done get better tell him he has to leave !

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You have to bath a grown man? Yes I could see if he had broken limbs or just had surgery but no way in hell. If he doesn’t agree to get help. Leave and then have a wellness check cause there is serious issue. That’s gross. My hubby fishes for a living and sometimes goes longer then I agree with out a shower but when he does shower he is cleaner rhen most women I know. My hubby also don’t wash clothes but he well put it in the hamper and ir for some odd reason I don’t have something washed and he wants it he will clean it lol

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The first thing is to talk to him. Really sit him down and have a deep conversation about if he has depression or if he just doesn’t notice these things. If he says that’s just how he is, it seems like you need an ultimatum: change and help around the house (and clean himself), and if that doesn’t happen then you’re leaving. Don’t give him a time line. People can show change automatically. It might take time for him to get in the habit. But if he doesn’t change, and you don’t want to deal with it the rest of your life, now is the time to leave.

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You have to not only shave, but wash a grown ass able body man or else it doesn’t get done?

If you need to ask what to do with the lazy son of a bitch you need help too. Toss his shit in a garbage bag and show him the front door.

Some of this sounds like my ex :joy: but I was just a crazy bitch that went on at him going by him :laughing:

Wait… did you just say that you have to bathe him yourself in order for him to be properly cleaned? This is disgusting.

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What kind of mess is this you bathe him no hell no and you still love him😱

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I stopped reading at ‘won’t shave anything unless you do it for him’ ummmm no… nope… Bye Bye :wave:

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He is disgusting!! And let me say if you let him sleep on your bed without taking a damn shower you are crazy!!! The only thing left for you to do for him is change his diaper since you already bathe him… :nauseated_face:RUN RUN RUN

Sorry I stopped reading at you have to bath him?? Wtf…

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Stop doing it. And if he doesn’t start doing it himself, then boy bye!

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Send him back to his mommy. She did a crummy job with him.

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Leave him, if you’ve tried asking him for help and correcting it for months on end leave him. It’ll just keep getting worse and you’ll end up hating him

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My husband is super self sufficient. I do most of the house things due to a covid lay off & he’ll sometimes leave things lay but he’s not totally careless. I
Could not & would not deal with that. Especially the bad hygiene

I would honestly leave him. All those things no woman is attracted too. Hes very lazy and doesnt care enough about you or your family to take care of anything

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I wouldn’t put up with it just stop doing anything for him if he wants to be a slob thats on him take the kids and run

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He wants a mommy so send him back to her. He’s a grown ass man and if he can’t respect you there’s no hope for the relationship

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Get rid of him or stop doing it for him. I do things for my old man but he will do things for himself he doesn’t expect me to do them.

Well thats because the honeymoon is over and his real colors are showing. They say it takes roughly 2 yrs to truly know someone.

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He wont properly wash his own ass… leave the manchild. That’s disgusting.

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Time to kick him to the curb, he’ll learn real fast

Have I read that right? He doesn’t shower unless you wash him?

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It’s literally disgusting… Any love I would of felt for a man like that would of gone by now, what a tramp! An you lay next to that at night? There’s the door mate dont let it hit you on the way out :nauseated_face::nauseated_face::nauseated_face::face_vomiting:

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I’ll tell ya what I done to my ex husband once and I never had to do it again. He was notorious about leaving his dirty clothes everywhere and would walk right by them. So I decided I had enough of it and just didn’t wash his clothes at the end of the week. Well when he woke up for work Monday morning , surprise surprise guess who didn’t have any clean clothes? Him! So guess who had to wash his own clothes and be late for work? Him! Even our 7 yr old son at the time knew to put his clothes in the hamper. And I told him point blank I am your wife not your slave , put them in the hamper if you want them washed it’s very simple!

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Wait? You shower this man? Kick that man to the curb!

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Do you think that maybe he’s depressed? Depression can show by being negligent in those same areas. Some Mens show it differently since they are not has expressive like most of us women.

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And what kind of role model are your young boys dealing with??

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Did u just say: he doesn’t get fully washed unless you wash him? And nothing shaved unless you do it?
Come on!!! This is insane.
No grown woman wants to be with a “man” that can’t wipe his own butt.

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Yikes! That is awful!

You’re dating a MAN-CHILD. Take your kids and go. I mean it. Leave and let him live in his own filth if thats what he wants. You can do better and you should.

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Is he having a mental breakdown possibly?

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Could depression be a factor? Would he be willing to go through counseling? It sounds to me like things have changed and maybe he’s just going through the motions of daily life. Maybe take some time for yourselves and take a little trip (if possible). I’ve got 4 kids and have found that getting away for a weekend or even a night can help a lot with my mental sanity.

you cannot change him. decide if this is the life you want. if not then start planning for your new life.

Kid goes to the babysitter even if he isn’t working? That wouod be a no from me.

It’s a no for me :v:t2:
How do you even want to be intimate with someone like this, not just because he sounds gross but caretaking isn’t something that gets most people going :nauseated_face:
You are aware you only get one life, why would you choose to waste that wiping a grown “mans” ass. You sound like you deserve better, you have your shit together. Contrary to popular belief women weren’t made to serve men, put your big girls pants on and kick him to the curb :wave:t2::facepunch:t2:

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Sounds like he is doing that thing where they just become the biggest asshole so you break up w him.

You can’t change someone who doesn’t see a problem with their actions.

Wtf! You have to wash him? Yeah he’s got to go.

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You love him and want to be with him??? Well okay I’m deal with it

Pack his dirty clothes and open the door :door: bye bye :hugs: only using you

We went to couple’s therapy, we work on our communication (cuz he’s “not a mind reader”), we have a couple of assigned chores we are each solely responsible for… it’s still not perfect, I still get frustrated sometimes with the lack of help but it’s not as bad as it used to be. Also, sometimes it feels good to just let him deal with it… he complained last week of not having any clean work jeans when I had just done laundry 4 days prior… they weren’t in the basket so they didn’t get washed… he put them in the wash himself. :woman_shrugging: I try to pick my battles.

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Sounds like something mentally. Not an excuse, but for him to have been normal and now become this? Something changed. I agree with others that it could be depression at the very least.

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Seems he is showing you, who he is. And it’s clear he has no respect for you

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I’d already put a stop to this! Think abt what you’re doing? If you’ve talked to him several times, obvi he’s not gonna change & most likely will get worse. Do you really want to live that way? You cannot be happy & the love will eventually fade. I’d be separating now rather than waiting & making things harder on everyone.

Sounds exactly like depression.

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Try couples therapy or him do therapy alone which ever is best for the both of you (but I suggest couples therapy). That way they will be able to help decipher if this is “him” or if he has a mental health problem going on (we all do at some point). There is no shame in him needing help but if he’s not willing to do any of that then…bye!

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It could possibly be depression and he just don’t care :woman_shrugging: anymore lost interest in things that happens with depression so I’d definitely look into talking to him and finding out and see about getting him some help . Or it could be he is just who he is and doesn’t care and doesn’t wanna change because you can’t make someone change so even if it is depression and he doesn’t think he has or want help there’s nothing you yourself can do until he sees he has a issue basically the choice is up to you and what you wanna deal with

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Depression maybe? Talk to him about it. Don’t just bitch at him like your his mom. Ask him how he’s doing, ask him if he’s depressed, TALK. Maybe try and help him find a therapist/psychologist to go to and after, maybe try couples counseling.

It’s like I wrote most of these things … ugh

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That man has a serious problem. Seriously! He should not have to be told, seduced, or threatened to take a dam shower or bath. And if you are crawling into bed with his nasty ass that is just pure nasty. How can you stand that?
I would not allow my dog to be around ole stinky let alone my kids.

Being that you’ve told him, multiple times by the sound of it, How you feel and what you want from him and he hasn’t changed, I’d wager he isn’t going to, So I would be putting my foot down and saying this changes now and permanently or you’ve no choice but to end it, You are not a maid and you don’t deserve to be treated like one.
But to me It sounds like you continually put up with it, So it’s now his norm and he knows you won’t really do anything about it other than grumble, So if you aren’t willing to leave if he doesn’t change and behave like a grown up, you’ll just have to suck it up and continue as you are.

If he ain’t depression, he would be out the door I’m afraid. If it’s depression that’s totally different and he needs support. But if it’s pure laziness or lack of respect for you- I’d be asking for a separation I’m afraid. I couldn’t live like this. What if you ever (god forbid) became unwell, would he help then? And I couldn’t deal with the hygiene issues either I’m afraid, how can he expect you to be intimate with him when he’s physically unclean.

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He sounds depressed and it’s progressively gotten worse. He needs to get help good luck hun that can be a very emotionally exhausting conversation to have and he won’t change overnight once he does start to get help just be patient. He’s also a guy and the stigma around depression and men is BS so just do your best to let him know you are worried and you love him and you are there to see him through this struggle in life. You can live with and manage depression and anxiety it doesn’t define who you are or make you less of a person in any way. Depression is a chemical imbalance and he just needs the support to get the help he needs through it if that help is medication, and/or therapy just do your best to show him you care about his mental health and you can see it slipping away.

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Throw the whole loser out

Sounds more like you’re his mother. A man pulls his weight. You’ve had the conversation and yet nothing’s changing. He’s lazy and selfish and would be packed and out my house.

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I could have written this myself, all the way up to the showering part. (Mine showers sometimes 3 times a day.) Seriously though it sounds like you’re describing my life. What the hell are we doing to ourselves?? :woman_facepalming::woman_facepalming::woman_facepalming:

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I’m definitely not an expert, but this seems like depression to me?

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He is your first child

Have you considered your boyfriend might be abusing drugs?

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Sounds like Courtney maybe on the right track. If he doesn’t want to take her advice maybe he is in denial. I would take care of the kids, but I would not pick up after him or cook for him, Let him wear anything he wants. I would not bathe him, etc. If he doesn’t want to change, kick his lazy butt out. You’re not his mother or his slave, He is taking care advantage of you. You’re a dignified person, take care of yourself! Good luck and best wishes!

I lost you when you said you have to wash him🤔 ,your his his mother at this point

I would most definitely have a stern talk with him.

He is an adult and you’re not his mommy or his slave he either needs to step up or get out

Lmaooo sounds like my ex still living in my children’s apartment and he wont leave because his name is on the lease :rofl: so i hired a lawyer and am starting proceedings for sole custody, child support and a restraining order! People like this have had mommy be their slave and expect their s/o to turn into his new slave…& he wont change because you’ve already proven that he doesn’t have to and you’ll still stay with him​:woman_shrugging:t4:

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If you ask most women in marriages it be like that and hes comfortable and maybe to comfortable with everything you do for him so maybe stop picking up after him it’s hard but letting them see that you arent going to keep doing the things they now except is healthy and keep boundaries inside but if yall havent been communicating like you use to then maybe it’s time to try getting some time to yourselves date nights no kids find the reason you got together again… he probably doesn’t feel like himself either needs to feel like hes enough aside from how he keeps his space or weather or not hes being the cleanest person because that’s not why you fell in love nor what’s keeping you around