I have trust issues: What should I do?

I was in an abusive marriage for many years, with a string of crappy men before that. I finally got away, got divorced, and was single for four years. I tried dating, but have trust issues. I feel leery and uncomfortable around men. I finally met someone whom I liked, he seemed honest, and I wanted to give out a try. We had a “just friends” relationship for a while. During this time, I caught him in a couple of lies. He apologized, we weren’t “together,” and I tried to move forward. We kept talking and became a couple. He has worked and worked to “show me who he is” and regain my trust. He takes full blame for the lies and doesn’t make excuses. After apology has been YEARS of him being and doing what he says, but I can’t move past it. I don’t trust him, but I want to. He’s not standing here with apologies and repeated bad behavior; he’s apologized and put his heart into showing me he means it. I have become someone awful, questioning, checking his phone, needing to know where he is all the time, reading into every word and action. I don’t know why he puts up with me. He says because he loves me and wants to prove he’s worth it and doesn’t want me to regret giving him a chance. Is our relationship too far gone?

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Give him a chance
But tell him 1 more lie I’m out for good

Talk to the big man upstairs and get some Counseling.

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I’d go to therapy. If you’re being toxic, which is easy with a history of abuse, you’re being toxic. You have to get yourself right until you try to be with someone.

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Sounds like you need to get some therapy, don’t ruin that man because you have trust issues. You can’t be with anyone until you get yourself right in the head.

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You are caught in a really bad feedback loop on the compulsion to check so you feel better. You need to go to therapy to get some help breaking it.

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Idk i wouldnt want to live a life checking someone’s phone. Leave go give yourself a relationship with yourself.

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I think it’s hard not to think the way you do when you’ve been through your experiences. It’s hard as hell moving forward, but something that helped me was…Don’t punish someone else for the mistakes of others.
If he lied, has show you he is sorry and apologized and is trying to move forward, then so should you.
And maybe counseling or something could help to just get some of it off your chest, but you’ll have to make a conscious effort to move forward.
Best of luck in your journey.

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Think you need some therapy to help yourself through this. He seems like hes putting effort into the relationship to prove himself to you. You need to put some effort in to help the situation.

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It’s really sad, but the bottom line is You don’t trust him, and without trust You are just looking for a really hard and unhealthy relationship! Work on yourself, then proceed. I think this relationship is a done deal!

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I agree with counseling. Sounds like you got a good man. Dont loose him. Get some therspy

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Sounds like it’s your turn to change.

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I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years and then a relationship with someone who cheated on me several times in 4 years and It was hard for me to trust again if you want this relationship to last (which sounds like he is a good guy) then you need to find a way to help yourself and remind yourself that he is not the same person that you were in a relationship with before it’s not fair to hold against him what someone else has done wrong and it’s something that you might need help with it sounds like you have a problem mentally I deal with things myself and took a lot of alone time to work through my problems but you can’t be in a relationship with someone when you’re damaged mentally you have to fix this problem and it sounds like maybe some counseling would help you

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Therapy. Control yourself. Realize that your trust issues come from your past. Stop checking his phone. Stop demanding to know where he is at all times. Start there and look for a therapist. It will be uncomfortable. Hang in there. Sounds like you have a companion that puts his actions where it counts. Sending you a hug!

It sounds like you’ve already accepted that the problem lies within yourself which is often the hardest part. Now that you’ve acknowledged there’s a problem, it’s on you to take action and the steps to change the situation that is making you so unhappy.

Therapy therapy and more therapy!! You owe it to yourself first and foremost but also the man you want a future with. If the first attempt at therapy doesn’t work or doesn’t feel like the right fit, don’t give up. Try someone new or a different approach.

Best of luck to you :two_hearts: Trusting again after years of abuse is so incredibly difficult but speaking from experience, it’s not impossible. Even if the man you’re with right now ends up not being the one for whatever reason, there’s good men out there that have patience and understanding but you have to meet your partner, in any circumstance, halfway. Good for you for seeking the help you deserve!! You’re not alone and you can do this!

honestly and with all due respect; I feel that’s something only you can decide. Do you love him, is love enough? you don’t have to fully trust him at first, its going to take time but you have to do the work personally.

I’ve been there, feeling like crap, checking his phone when hes asleep or in the shower. I’ve picked fights and been dumped on for being “too emotional” the relationship i had with my ex was toxic and we’ve come a long way to try and co parent our 6 yr old. We’ve been divorced for 2 1/2 yrs and its been the best decision i could have ever made.

The man I’m currently with, my fiance, started as a just friends as well because I could barely trust my self, I was very doubtful and self conscious. I found a couple really good mom groups as well as divorced mom groups that had some wonderful ladies that were very helpful in acknowledging what I’d been through, helping me to slowly find what makes me happy again.

I specifically try to catch myself when I’m having low days and want to check his phone because granted, he’s never kept it or hidden it from me, I feel guilty after I check it, so I dont. Perhaps try keeping a journal or personally, I find listening to music is very therapeutic for most of the moods I’ve been through. Basically, I try my best to set boundaries for myself and try to be honest yet forgiving with yourself. Try your best to communicate with him on how you’re feeling.

I hope you find the answer you’re looking for. Feel free to pm me.

if you don’t trust someone, then you don’t. Why don’t you just have fun & enjoy yourself, date, have fun & move on. And just maybe along the way, you do & will find someone, that you trust. It does seem, you want to find a relationship. Just don’t try or worry about it. Feel like that teenager again & enjoy life :slight_smile: I did & never regretted anything. I have accomplish everything I ever wanted, brought myself a house on my own & just brought my second one…on my own, And I had one great life along the way. Did I get married again? Nope, but I have no problem with that. And whether that will ever happens, Who knows, but it doesn’t matter either way :slight_smile:

Poor man. Let him go so he can find someone who trusts him and doesnt keep living in the past.

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You need therapy. He didn’t owe you anything before. And you literally just said he has proven it, but YOU can’t get past it. That’s a you problem that you need to fix before you really hurt him.

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Trust is hard to rebuild but if you still dont trust him trust your gut your instincts are always right