I just found out that my old friend is the father is my 11-year-old: Advice?

When I was 17, I got knocked up by a friend. We were both in other relationships, so for 11 years, I never dreamed he was the father. It just wasn’t even a possibility in my mind. We both moved on, he is happy with a family of his own, and we live 2200 miles apart. I recently found out through ancestry that he is indeed the father. I’m torn on what to do or how to go about it. On the one hand, the guy is happily married with two kids. I’m a single mom now, my youngest went to live with his dad, and it’s just me and my oldest. I don’t want money; I don’t want to ruin his family. I want my son to know where he comes from. I see his wondering, and I answer his questions the best I can, but now that I actually know, I feel like a horrible person for withholding this information. He definitely has a right to know, but I also don’t want to risk losing my only other child. What if he chooses him, a loving stay at home dad over a mom who works all the time. And would that even happen. I feel like he has a better chance of developing a good relationship now at 12 instead of 18, but I don’t even know how to start the conversation with his dad. We haven’t talked since I was 17. He doesn’t even know about him.

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Let him know your not looking for anything, but do let him know privately. You want to give him the chance to at least know his child, and if he doesnt well then thats on him.

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dont have advise but sending hugs.

Tell the guy before your child. And be sure to tell the child that the dad never knew about him.

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The father needs to know! I am 52 and have no clue who my father is, this was my moms choice not mine.

Better fix now.you will not be forgiven.

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Tell the dad…just tell him and let a relationship develop the way it is ment to be!

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Tell the guy he could be the dad and establish a DNA test to be sure. Then tell your son once confirmed and established that the guy in fact wants to be in your son’s life. He may very well not want to open than can of worms and disrupt his life.

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I would get paternity test done first and be 100% sure

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100% tell him and if his wife or new family are any type of actual family they will 100% support this. Your son has a right to know and knowing where a man comes from is a huge part of societal conditioning and I think that it would be really good for him.

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Leave the guy alone - or at least do an actual DNA test and write him a letter

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Tell the father, and then the child. If your child wants a relationship with him, that is wonderful!! He is at an age where boys start needing that male connection. Maybe pen pals at first :woman_shrugging:

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HONESTY!!! The father and child both have a RIGHT to know.

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You need to reach out to your friend immediately and tell him what you found out. Proceed only after you have the information if he wants to have a relationship with his bio dad.

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I would definitely tell him and let him choose to be in the child’s life or not
what if the father does one of those dna tests or one of his kids
It would just be better coming from you than a 3rd party source

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You owe it to your son to let him know who is father really is. See this too many times on paternity court where the mom completely rules out the other potential father because she didn’t want the fact that she sleep with multiple guys to come out. Tell him.

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Wait to tell both of them until your son is 18.

This is no longer about you. It’s about the child and the effect things have on his developing person and his future self concept. Both you and his biological father know you were together, so it’ll be shocking to Bio. father, but not impossible to comprehend. The truth should always prevail. I’m glad you’re overcoming your denial. Best to you.

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I would let the biological father know ASAP, especially considering that you found out by way of Ancestry. There’s the possibility that someone in his family could find out the same way, and that would not reflect to well upon you. Just be honest with him and talk it out and go from there.

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i went through this, told my daughter the truth and she even met her bio dad and siblings, no one will ever replace her daddy (my husband) but she was glad to know the truth and meet her family.