I left my ex due to abuse and want him in my kids life but don't want to be dragged down again: Advice?

Hey ladies. I’m a 22-year-old mom of 2 little boys. I need some advice and words of encouragement, I guess. So the kid’s dad and I are no longer together because he was physically abusive and very mentally and verbally abusive as well. I am currently staying at a women’s shelter because of him and his alcoholic parents. I just got my class A CDL and am in the process of getting a job with it. I have been letting the kid’s dad see them whenever I can because regardless of how he treats me, he has always been a good dad to them, and they love him and miss him. My four year old is constantly asking where his dad is So I have been doing supervised visits in a public place that we just schedule between us two. Anyways I invited him to come to my mom’s new place last Sunday to see the boys, and he came and was acting crazy. He tried fighting my mom’s boyfriend. Was yelling and pacing the house talking a million miles an hour. I thought he was on cocaine because a couple of years back the first time he got really abusive to me and put me in the hospital, he was on coke and was acting similarly. Well, come to find out he was on meth. I told him he needed to leave and that he wouldn’t be seeing the boys again until he takes a clean drug test. And that he will have to take one every time he wants to see them. He agreed to do that but then last night he asked to come to see them, and I said if he takes the test and he really freaked out on me about it. Said I’m trying to control him and hold his kids over his head, which I have never done. Not even when he beat me so bad, I had to go to the hospital. I still let him see the boys. I’ve never put him on child support or made him not be able to see them, but that’s because he’s never put them in danger, but now that I know he did meth, there’s no way I want the boys around him unless he’s clean. It’s killing me to have to keep him from them, but I also know that I love my babies too much to let them be around that. I just don’t know what to do going forward and how to deal with him acting out because I am putting my foot down. I’m just trying to do what’s best for the kids and me. I wanted to see if y’all had some advice to give me or just some prayers you would send my way that I can stay strong for my boys and that their dad doesn’t continue on the path he’s going down. We were together for nine years. He was my first and only everything, and I still love him so much, and because of that, I can’t ever be with him again. I really just want the best for him. For him to get his life back for himself. This has been a crazy hard two years, and I finally feel like I’m starting my life at 22 years old with two kids, which has been scary but also really rewarding and eye-opening. I have accomplished more in the last six months of being away from him than I have our entire relationship. I got my driver’s license. Bought a vehicle. I got my CDL class A with full endorsements. I am getting into my own place soon. I have been going to therapy. I have been working at a temp hiring agency doing side jobs until I find a CDL job. I feel good about my future finally. I just don’t want to keep feeling responsible for him and his actions. Or let him bring me back down again. Thanks for any feedback. I know there’s not really much of a specific question here, but I felt like I needed to get a little bit of this off my chest.

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I don’t think he needs to be in the picture at all.

Yeah it sucks. That’s why they have therapy and strong male figures in their lives.

Speaking from someone in a very similar position with zero contact

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Just my opinion. YOU are NOT responsible for him or his actions. He is a grown man and he is well aware of how he should act. You do what you have to do for those kids and if that means making him take a drug test to prove he’s clean, then you do it. If he refuses then he doesn’t see the kids. Period. Sounds like you’re gonna have to get real tough real soon. I’m sorry for what you’re doing through

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erase him he monster if he abused you given enough time he will turn on kids you need to file for child support he cant be trusted

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Clean drug tests or no visits stick to it and don’t bend. You’re doing too good for him to be high while they’re there and something bad happen and they be hurt killed or taken. That’s the only advice I can give is tick to what u already know is the right path. Ur sons may be confused about where dad is but if he is putting them in danger they will understand later in life. It will be hard, but so fuckin worth it

Create strong boundaries and stick to them. You’re not controlling him, you’re protecting your kids. Therapy can help tremendously.

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What your doing right now is the best thing you can do. Stay away from him. Will your kids be upset yes but hopefully when their older they can understand where ur coming from and be thankful they have a loving , caring ang supportive mom!!! He should take a test but unfortunately you cant force him too. If that’s the only thing that you really ask him for ( a drug test) and he denies it maybe hes not ready to be a full time dad… he should want to get clean because of his kids or do it for himself. But at this point I think there’s really only so much you can do. Good luck momma!!

I would get an outside agency involved so the drug test demands arent from you, they are just a condition of his seeing the kids. However, and don’t hate me for asking but if he beat you and hospitalized you, what makes you think your kids are safe from him? What if the kids are older and start talking back to him… will he hit them? I wouldn’t be able to trust them alone with him. I would ask for supervised visits

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Firstly well done for getting out and doing what’s best for you and your babies! All I can suggest is if his still acting like this then he will need to have a court order which says if he doesnt do a drug test or if it comes back positive then he doesn’t see them beautiful babies. Also I would be suggesting contact supervised at a contact centre as he doesn’t sound stable enough to be around them with just you given the fact his been abusive in the past. Stick to it girl you got this. Best of luck xx

Don’t let a man like that around your fucking kids, blood or not.

Momma listen, as long as he is on drugs and he doesn’t get help for the physical abuse he causes he is a danger to those boys. No matter how you feel about how good of a father he will be to them, right now he isn’t even remotely on that level. I feel as though a part of your love you still have for him is hoping he will be that man that will be good for them. You are not his keeper and his actions are his own. You need to go to the court and establish custody and visitation set forth by the court. They will order a drug test before every visit and get him the help he needs.

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Ppl who do meth dont make good parental decisions…yes put ur foot down hell stomp it down. U gotta protect ur babies. If he really wants to be apart of their lives he’ll learn and maybe even get sober. Do what ur doing. U sound like a good mommy.

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Just continue whatever you are doing. Be firm with him and mean it. That’s all.

They only get mad when u adk them take drug test ,which means there dirty ,its not your facult .its his he done this to yall and my prayers for you .kids .keep moving ahead and seens you done good about things moving forward ,im glad you got strength walked away ,god bless god there in mist

he does not sound like a responsible parent with his childrens best interest at heart. trying to use then as pawns which is abuse and how abusers work seek full custody as he is at risk of being violent to them to

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Protect those babies, keep growing. You’re doing it right. Chin up. I’m glad you made it out alive.

Keep your kids away from anyone that’s on meth. They are unpredictable. Might hurt them even though he doesn’t mean too. Also if DHS is aware that this father is on drugs and you let them be around a druggie you will loose your kids to the system. Get a court order to keep him away from the kids until he is straight

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Meth is scary mate.

I’ve been there, done that…
One of my mates chopped a mans fingers off…
Perfectly normal guy, picks up the pipe and ends up chopping a guys fingers off over a small amount of money.

If your emotionally unstable to begin with, it will magnify those instabilities.

People become angry for no apparent reason.
Lash out at those they love and become highly paranoid.

If he was an angry man before the meth, he will be a monster on it.
It will increase his emotions in an order of magnitude…

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I would have courts decide they can do drug testing and everything even someone with kids when he visits them.

Let him go… If you are not around to be the punching bag the kids will be the ones to get it eventually… Let him get himself together… Get a court order … Move on… Take care of yourself and kids … He is not your child … You cannot fix him or change him… It is not your job… His parents did a shitty job raising him… Move on…