I Love My In-Laws, But They View Me as an Outsider and Don't Include Me in Important Discussions: Advice?

QUESTION:

"I married into a great family and have been a part of it for 16 years. But no matter what I do, I have zero input on family discussions.

I am not talking legal or medical conferences, but essential discussions nonetheless. Something major happens, and it’s a family meeting, and I turn into the babysitter who watches all of the kids.

Some of my feelings have to do with the fact that my family is 1500 miles away, so I am not much involved in things with them either. I just feel like my opinion isn’t valued or wanted in either family, and it’s annoying and lonely.

Even my husband isn’t telling me the whole story about what is happening. Sorry for the rant, this just isn’t the first time I have felt this way, and it’s frustrating."

RELATED QUESTION: I Live with My In-Laws, Who Don’t Respect My Parenting Rules to the Detriment of My Kids’ Health: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“If you’re not important to them, then why go to these meetings? If I were u I would refuse to go and be used as the babysitter. Sod that! If I am not good enough to be involved even by my own husband… then they can find a new babysitter. Stand your own ground. Refuse to be made to feel like that. If you go, then you’re adding to your own frustration. Go out or say you have your own plans.”

“Felt that way for 14 years. I have a horrible family who walked out on me when my dad died. Met a great guy but his family has never & will never accept me. At least they let you babysit. I’m not even allowed in the house. And I’ve done nothing wrong but treat their son with genuine love. I wish you the best of luck. I know how lonely it is!”

“I’m in a similar boat. But they have no respect for me at all and they don’t even include me in things. Like ever. My husband has had enough of it for the last 7 years, he doesn’t go around them. That was his choice. But at least we can talk and come up with our own solutions in our little family.”

“Just give support when you can. Sometimes we just don’t need to know everything. I was left out for 19 years. But that is how his family was. I was the second wife. I don’t know if that was why or not. Just focus on being a good you.”

“Yup. My MIL just passed away and I am not included on any of the family text messages about the arrangements even though I’ve been a part of the family for 15 years, but the girlfriend of her oldest son gets to make decisions and she only knew mom for 6 months or less. Some people just need to be in charge and brag about what they are doing. I’m staying out of it so I don’t say something I’ll regret later.”

“Make yourself part of the discussion. You’re an adult and perfectly capable of putting yourself in the discussion.”

“The best thing to do is to is to give them the silent treatment and when its family meetings again let your husband know that you not gonna babysit nobodies children you have things to do and when he comes back don’t ask him questions about the meeting even when he tells you about it keep it short best answers to give him is " oh ok " and just keep yourself busy if you can go to your family for a weekend every now and then or if its family meetings go visit a friend, after all, you are part of the family and not a nanny its time to put on your big girl pants and make it clear if they don’t involve you then they shouldn’t expect you to babysit.”

“Have you told your husband or his family how you feel? If you haven’t then you really can’t get mad. Also, if you know they don’t want/ask for your input next time just stay home. Let them figure out what to do with the kids.”

“Don’t worry about it. My own family doesn’t include me in text messages… LOL, I didn’t even notice until I saw everyone’s phones light up but my dad’s and mine. He was happy he didn’t have to reply haha!”

“Stand up to them. Tell them you are part of the family just like everyone else. That you are not going to watch children anymore. That they are not yours. And that you need to start being treated l one. No one does that to me.”

Have a response to this question? Leave it below to help a mama out! Or leave your own question and get responses from real moms!

READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

25 Likes

Call a family meeting and raise your issues with them.

3 Likes

“Please arrange for a baby sitter this year because after sixteen years in this family I have earned a place at the table.”

38 Likes

Ummm yeah… that wouldn’t work for me… you have every right to be included…

9 Likes

27 years here. And they still think they go through my husband without my even knowing about it. ??? I don’t even bother take me or leave me. But you will respect me and include in personal loans your asking for. :grin:

Oh I get that. I’m still there in that position after 24 plus years. But I decided long ago, to be ok with it. 99.99% of the issues do not affect my life, nor my immediate families life. I don’t mind taking a different role with in the family as a whole.

Try talking to your husband first. He should know & understand how you feel but men are so dense and are really bad at reading us.

Next family meeting get a sitter or bring one along.

4 Likes

Girl over 33 years in here and nope just the in-law no matter how much it hurts—- I know it cuts deep at times but then I’m learning now that I need to worry about me for a change I’m learning how to say no and follow through with it!! With them I good for the grunt work but I’m not in the “family” so my opinion really doesn’t count

Don’t go let them find another babysitter

1 Like

Next family circle meeting just quietly say if I’m not included, I’m not coming. No argument. Just a statement of fact. And refuse to babysit no matter what.

7 Likes

I am so sorry. My Aunts that married into my family are my family. I don’t understand how that isn’t the norm.

Your husband is responsible for what role you have in his family. You need to have an open discussion with him first before you proceed with the rest of his family.

9 Likes

You come up with something and see who all shows then you would get an idea of their true feelings or next time if you’re not invited do not baby sit be unavailable

2 Likes

Hubby , need to step up or them headaches would be happening alot ,and would start the moment they ask for me to watch anyone elses kids besides my own during there little family meeting, and hubby would need a ride home afterwards . Girl after 16 years you need to put that foot down mine went down before the I do .

Talk to your husband. Tell him you want to be included.

Maybe 16 yrs of his family not liking you. You can’t force in laws to like you. Just because you are a wife doesn’t make you privy to the affairs of his family of origin. You can decline babysitting but stay in ur lane until invited

4 Likes

Learn to love to be alone you and your husband…talk to your husband about your feelings in regards to his family and dont bother about it afterwards, dont force it I learned the hard the way and now I just dont bother and I don’t bother helping out also because I felt I’m included when its beneficial to them and in your case when they need you to babysit when there is a family meeting ask your husband if He wants you to come and if he doesn’t plan a day out with a friend just keep yourself busy…

I get what you are saying, I’m just the sitter …

You’ve tolerated this for 16 years. I’d be questioning my husband about how much he values you as part of his family. Refuse to be the babysitter.

I wouldn’t babysit and I wouldn’t want them to involve me in their discussions either.

1 Like