My heart has been heavy and conflicted. Any advice or outside perspective will be sincerely appreciated. I have a rare and very cherished connection with my best friend. We have joked at times about settling down with eachother if all else in our respective love lives should fail. Her heart is so very beautiful in my eyes. Early in our 10 year friendship her journey took some very unfortunate and sad turns. She lost her 2 oldest children in an ugly custody battle, her adoring and doting father passed, followed by the birth of her third child all in less than year. Not long after she started spiraling into addiction with high powered opioids utimately leading to heroin. Maintaining the strength in our friendship at times was difficult but I knew just how beautiful the heart I discovered in her was initially. Despite the damage it took it was did not diminish that beauty from my perspective. If anyone has ever loved an addict you understand that no matter how much I wanted to help but couldn’t, as a result, distance grew at times but we never completely disconnected. A few years ago during a longer period of distance in our friendship, I lost my mom to a grossly overprescribed opioid overdose. I didn’t cope well; I experienced such severe depression. Eventually, I found my way out of the dark I allowed to swallow me. While discovering and learning who I had grown to be, I learned that my dear friend had conceived and delivered her fourth child. That child was luckily not affected by the addiction she kept during the pregnancy, but because of a fatal overdose, she luckily survived, her baby was taken from her womb early. Those circumstances aided her in gaining sobriety. We reunited and grew very close once again. I was ecstatic and proud. I did everything I could to aide in her sobriety and success. She created a home, she regained custody of her three oldest children and shared parenting with her fiance, the father of her youngest. Not long after celebrating a full clean year, her relationship sadly failed. Prior to and especially after the dissolution of her engagement, I would invest time, wisdom, and financials. Doing so wasn’t always easy, my time was stretched thin, I didn’t have all the answers, and my budget was heavily burdened. Much to my despair, she recently relapsed. I found out via her children reaching out to me after being coerced into hiding her habit for nearly a month with the hope she would be accountable to the promises she wasn’t keeping. I have always been very close and involved with her children our entire friendship. I am trusted and viewed by them as safe; they know I only want success for the rebuilding family. Initially, I attempted to be the voice of reason and logic, letting her know that it is okay that she made a mistake and that she has worked very hard and diligently, fought brutal battles, and won. I shared with her how inspiring her journey was and how obstacles happen, but I would be there to help her overcome what was in front of her now. We moved forward in hope, or rather her children and I did. She stayed behind with her drugs and the lifestyle that came with it, doing things I know she’d never do if not for being driven for her need to get high. One of the things she’s done was to entertain my child’s father to gain cigarettes and money. Her child informed me because it was felt to be inappropriate to do to me. I was very hurt, she knew of my struggles to gain any assistance which I only asked for when it was direly needed, there was no enforced support order. I was insulted that she would acquire assistance from him when not only did I personally give her so much without expectation of repayment, but I did so without any assistance from this poor excuse of a father who she was able to easily acquire what I typically couldn’t receive even if I begged. I felt it a slap to my face, but more importantly, a slap to my child’s. It has altered everything I feel and how I once viewed our friendship. She claims there was no I’ll will; it was innocent but admittedly thoughtless. I don’t believe any of it. I am now questioning what I mean to her, and I don’t want to help her anymore. I feel that she only wants me around for what I offer and because I continue to do for her children directly and try to keep CPS out of the situation as they would likely be separated as they were last time. Am I wrong for giving up now? I feel like I’m being held hostage by my love for her children and my desire to keep them safe and together. I don’t know what to do and am hurting too deeply to see this as clearly as I’d like to.
Addiction is tough but for your own sanity you may need to keep her at a distance,I would help the children if possible but let her know how you feel and where you stand…
It’s sad when you try and try for somebody and then they take it too far and make u feel like shit, You have to put your mental health first because no body else will
Somtimes cutting ties is the best option for all
Are you in a position to foster her children? It will make sure they are safe and together, but you wouldnt be giving her anything anymore. Idk if it’s an option for you, but maybe talk to cps and find out if you could take that route.
It honestly sounds like you need to step back. Sure maybe still be tree for the kids but it sounds like you’ve done more then you ever needed to for her. I had friend alot like her she walk all.over me day and night but I was always there for her kids and her mom. I let it go on too long let her take advantage of.me way too.many times. Let her humiliate me more times then I could count. It took me too long I waisted too much time when all she cared about was her selfish needs.
I let go of a 30 + year friendship bc of addiction.
It does not make you the bad person or the bad friend. You have to look out for you and yours first.
I was repeatedly used over and over again.
We did not have a two way friendship. We had a me do everything friendship.
I say let go.
I know you think by helping here and there with her kids is helping the kids in the long run.
I’m sure you dont want them to be taken away from her but what is best for the kids here?
Sounds like you are definitely a GOOD friend. I think her children are lucky to have you in their lives. I can certainly understand your disappointment and hurt for what she has done, but I think her kids need you. While you may be done with her, hang in there for those kids. You may be the only constant they have.
Don’t lose yourself for someone who is hellbent to lose themself…
you’re allowing her to keep you in a toxic relationship . Not sure what you mean by “entertained your husband”, but if that’s what I think it is, it’s time to let him go too. You’re enabling. Hit a narcotics anon meeting yourself and get put in touch with their equivalent of al anon.
You should consider being a writer or at least a blogger
Are you financially able to take in the children? I know its hard to cut someone off when addiction takes over. I have my sisters 3 kids. You will need to cut her out your life. But also let her know when she straightens up you will be there for her. Wish you and the kiddos best of luck.
I also have a close friend who has recently entered the drug world. At the age of 47!! She is a mother of 3 adult girls and 5 grandchildren. Of course these adult girls of hers are close to me…we’ve been friends from the ages of 16&20 as well as her husband is my cousin. She has left her husband, still involved (barely) in her kids/grandkids lives, and I only see her occasionally. Anyway… What I’m getting at is I somewhat understand what you’re going through…her girls come to me a lot…they’ve lost their mom basically and I’m filling the void here & there. I love them all very much, the grandkids too. I will be there for them BUT have decided to steer clear of my friend as much as possible. I have never done drugs and I don’t want it around me or my home. I have kids & grandkids myself!
All I can say to you is to not get involved anymore. There comes a point where you KNOW you can’t help the addict. Ultimately it’s up to them! Don’t enable her!!
As for the kids…do whatever you have to do to ensure their safety. THAT IS ALL YOU SHOULD BE CONCERNED ABOUT. Sorry but I have absolutely no sympathy for a mother, or father, that would rather be a loser drug addict than the parent their children deserve.
Run & take & foster those kids
I have learned that sometimes it’s best for us to love people at arms length or at a distance… Hope you can find some clarity
There are two demons I don’t fuck with is an alcoholic and addiction!!! They don’t care about no one… that person needs to want to for themselves to get out of that hell. Take care of you and her children if you can and leave her to her hell… leave it to god, cause you nor her children nor anyone can’t fix what she doesn’t!!!
You have a good heart. I think by bring there non stop you are enabling her. Distance yourself a bit… be there for the children as much as you can… but shes gotta want to do this.
Ir sounds like you have been very patient and a great friend. Now it is time to do the hard part of being her friend …helping her kids before her. Trust me, been there, if they dint feel bad from the beginning they won’t feel bad. Sine ppl r fine with betrayal and she has betrayed your friendship. I assume this isn’t the first time her addiction has caused you pain. It is ok to cut off an gangrenous limb to save yourself!
This was actually the saddest thing to read and well written which is rare on this page. No you aren’t wrong. You’ve been there through so much and been that hand. But sometimes enough is enough. I’m sad for her children
She is an addict…all that matters is the drug. Let her relatives or CPS take care of the children, dump your significant other and get out now because you are being used…addicts use…
Friendships do not matter…the drugs do.
I personally would work with CPS to get guardianship of the children & tell her to get her sobriety back or consider the friendship a thing of the past.
I would also ditch the baby daddy because if he is doing things with her you can bet there are others who are put before your child as well.
Honestly no matter how hard it is the focus should be on YOU & the kids only. Let the irresponsible adults twist in the wind until they choose a better life for themselves & the kids.