I think my spouse is hiding something from me: Advice?

Hi, can you please post anonymously? My fiancé and I have been together for 4.5 years, and I’ve had some trust issues in the past. About 2-3 years ago, I found him texting other women, and he was always hiding his phone etc. Yesterday, he told me some girl messaged him that day (someone he talked to way before me met me). He said she just wanted to see how he was doing. He heard from this girl, and told his coworker that he needed to tell me because he just wants peace in the house and in case I use his phone, that I should know. Now I realize that he told me out of respect, otherwise, his phone is his own business. After him telling me this, I’m starting to get a pit in my stomach and feel how I felt years ago. After years of building up trust, I’m overthinking again and can’t help to have some sort of bad feeling about it though. He changed his password on his phone that day, and I looked up on the cell carrier, he has been texting this new phone number all day yesterday, and even at 6am the next day. The phone number is registered to a man, but the voicemail said a girl’s name (couldn’t hear). As I am reacting and overthinking? I can’t help to not shake it off. I appreciate him being open and honest, but I feel uneasy as well. A side note, he has changed in the past few years. Behavior, attitude, his love, and his actions. Now, he just wants to settle down; I usually catch him on Zillow looking at houses or working on his projects, and he works pretty much every single day. I have a full-time job, he owns his own store, and we spend day and night together when I’m not at my work. We’re currently trying to be active in religion and fasting. A few weeks ago, he specially saved it on his phone to show me something. He heard on a social media platform about bulk, an app to search for local black-owned businesses. On the App Store, it showed no results for bulk, but did show up for an ad on BBW dating apps, and told me “see, I wanted to show you invade it shows up in a search or something”. He knows I’m very observant and will dig deep if I have a feeling.

38 Likes

I wouldn’t know what to believe either, especially if there is already some trust issues from the past. My advice is for y’all to speak to a marriage counselor about your concerns and they can help you guys move past it. Whether he’s cheating or not, a marriage counselor can mediate the situation and keep it from getting ugly really quick. Best of luck to you!

1 Like

Honey let it go. The fact you’ve been hurt in the past is making you look for something now. He is being transparent with you. Allow your relationship to heal and flourish. Don’t let your past insecurities dictate the future you want to have with this man.

I have to constantly remind myself of these things too. Each time I do it gets easier, trust builds, happiness is increased, and our love grows deeper. Talk to him if you need reassurance and allow yourself to believe him.

11 Likes

Trust your intuition

17 Likes

You have every right to feel this way. He broke that trust a long time ago and by him telling you ahead of time, that leads me to believe he’s actually just making an excuse for if and when he gets caught. Changing the password and texting a new number all day (especially at 6am) is a red flag. By doing some digging and finding out it was a female is a huge red flag. Some people are going to say you are reaching and you are in the wrong for not trusting and getting in his business but in my opinion, your uneasy feelings are valid. I really don’t know if people can truly come back 100% after trust has been broken in the past… I’ve never known a man (or women) to fully “change”.

18 Likes

I honestly have been through being cheated on and stuff being hidden. My husband when we first got together he would always let me see his phone then one day after not seeing her for week he wouldn’t let me touch his phone or get into it and I knew something was going on. If he changed his password right as he told you I’d assume something was going on too. I’d tell him to either let you read the messages if he has nothing to hide or leave. Me and my husband give each other full access to each other’s phones and all social media

4 Likes

Yeah I’ve been told this myself and it turns out it was him messaging first not the other way around and although he seemed legit I had a feeling something wasn’t right so I messaged her and she sent me every message between them.
I no longer let anyone play with my emotions and will never give anyone second chances ever again.

3 Likes

Are you dating my ex? sounds like my previous relationship/marriage. I ended it when I finally found the proof I needed. Go with your gut, we’re usually right.

Did he tell you from respect? OR to throw you off the scent

10 Likes

Sweetheart, they never change. They say they will and I honestly believe they try to but there will always be something else. I lived this cycle for 22 years! Every 2-3 years and then something new, I’d start getting that feeling, do some digging and then something! He’d cry, beg and promise my dumb self would believe and try again. We have 2 kids so I felt an obligation to them. Finally it was a woman at work, all the previous was porn and sex sites. When my youngest was 10, I found out about a woman at work, I decided ENOUGH. Save yourself and any future kids the heartache. Don’t marry him, you deserve better.

2 Likes

Ask him for his password. Just say, “hey, I went to find x on your phone the other day” (maybe an email about an online purchase or a picture you know he took, etc) and I couldn’t get in. Did you change your password?" Be quiet and watch / listen. If you’re a good people reader, you’ll know pretty quickly. Either way, after he gives his answer, just say" oh OK, well can you unlock your phone for me so that I can go find that?" Anything other than “sure” and him handing you his phone is a huge red flag.

6 Likes

They don’t stop. Even the ones with the women that want to fool themselves into believing it has stopped so they can stay together. It’s typical.

1 Like

Back all over again. Trust your Gut! It’s telling you something! He’s obviously hiding some stuff! He’s no good. I’d have a talk and tell him how you feel. And tell him you know what’s up! Ugh I can’t stand cheaters

1 Like

He’s gonna tell you about it and still be sneaky ? That is messed up. He wants a reaction out of you so he has a reason to text her.

1 Like

He changed his password that says it all. Your not over reacting you have ypur proof Hes messaging her even in the morning to say goodmorning

5 Likes

You clearly do not trust him so id get out. You went through the trouble of calling the number and looking it up through the phone carrier even after he told the truth. So just leave him if you really do not trust him that much

2 Likes

Girl I’d leave. You’re having so many trust issues and he’s doing stuff that makes you uncomfortable and keeps doing it even though he knows it’s breaking your boundary of trust. It’s not fair to out your relationship through these ups and downs when it comes to other woman. Either make him be straight up with you and figure your shit out in your relationship or just leave because it won’t get better

3 Likes

Why would he tell u about it and then continue texting her? U need to confront him and then be ready to move on

5 Likes

If I tell my boyfriend that I don’t feel good about something on his phone he will pull it out and hand it to me right that second, no questions asked. He’s not upset nor does he say “hold on a minute” and go hid before he gives it to me (my thoughts would be to hide the evidence). If you ask your man to see his phone and his response isn’t the same as this then something is going on and you need to find someone better then that piece of scum!

7 Likes

I will say - trust your gut. Just trust it. You have intuition and it’s warning you.

16 Likes