Is anyone married to a person with Asperger’s? My husband is the best dad but not so great husband. I love him, but I always have to make sense of the things he does or says. He’s very high functioning, but the communication between is difficult. I always have to remind myself to be romantic. He’ll do whatever I ask and is okay with tasks and chores but dose nothing to ignite passion. Does anyone have ideas on ways to get home confident enough to make bold moves outside of what I’m asking? Yes, bedroom and yes, romantic gestures.
You married someone with a very serious condition which of one this isn’t thier high suit. So I think you need to ask yourself why now is it a problem?
My fiance is high functioning too and struggles alot with helping around the house, taking care of himself and communication. He’s great in the bedroom and the romance part. My suggestion is talking it out with him, communicate!
Communication. Maybe be direct instead of hints. Express what you want from him
I dont have a partner with ASD but I have a child with ASD.
It’s really important for you to understand that people with ASD often connect with others differently and they struggle with social cues.
For a lot of children they’re worked with to understand appropriate social interactions but romance isnt something that is typically covered.
My personal recommendation is to first look at how he is connecting with you.
For my kiddo he takes on the interests of others as a way to connect. He loves sharks because his dad loves sharks. He loves little house on the prairie because I do.
That’s not what we see as romantic but it’s a connection which is the best place to start.
Then be open. Talk to him about what you would like. Maybe find a book on things you guys can do together. Or theh make couples board games, “coupons” and “challenges” to help spice things up.
As someone whose so shy and insecure those things help a lot because I’d never be bold enough to do anything on my own.
Just a random thought. Might be helpful might be useless. There are games and couple challenges both romantic and bedroom wise. Could y’all do some of those activities together. The reason I thought of it…
A. The game/book/card etc would be giving him guidance. Not so much you asking him to do it and making it awkward
B. You could both use the opportunity to verbally communicate when you like it or don’t do that it can carry over to day to day use.
Know who you married and don’t expect something he isn’t capable of
Google “love languages” if you learn both your love languages it can really help and that also has info on how to navigate eachothers love languagesz
Tell him what to do. Show him.
Some men just don’t do it. My husband is that way. You can talk to him but sometimes they just have their own stuff going on. Like with mine he finally told me babe I work 9 hours sometimes 10 I don’t want to think when I get home im done with that communication is key
I don’t have a husband,but my daughter has Asperger’s. I pretty much have to write down exactly what I need or want from her,with detailed instructions.
Sometimes counsellors have couples repeat back to each other what they heard the other say, like "what I heard you was… you need … " that might be helpful to clarify what he’s trying to communicate, or ask questions. Is this what you’re feeling, experiencing? We thought our youngest had it at one point, he’s very academic and cerebral and had a hard time putting things into words, he’s a numbers guy. It helped him a lot. I usually knew what he was feeling, he just needed help expressing it. Knowing that he’s not going to be rejected would help? I think you’re going to have to be very direct and be able to say (unbashfully, which could be uncomfortable at first, I think so but would likely get easier with practice) what cues he can see (not sense). Lol most couples probably don’t but in a way it’s going to create a very intimate connection for you. (Which is nice)
Considering his issues, he has problems catching on to and reacting appropriately to social cues. He probably has the same issue with what ur talking about. Tell him what u expect, give him ideas. He probably just doesn’t know what to do or how to be romantic. Help him. There’s no shame in telling him what u like.
I would write down what you like and are wanting, explain everyone of them to him then make it a game for him. Cut them out and put it into a jar and have him pick one out every night to try it out. hope this helps.
I was married to an Aspie for 10 years. I had the same issues. We even went to counseling but unfortunately the marriage ended. What youve got is what you are going to get out of him. They aren’t wired to see things the way we do. Lots of benefits to being married to an Aspie, but if your love language is specific then it’s going to be a life long struggle
You could go to a relationship and sex counselor, but keep in mind it’s going to be hard for him. Give him time.
In my expertise, “Hey, you want to bang?”…hits home every time.
All men are simple creatures when it comes to romance.
Girl, be creative. Go with the flow, shock him and yourself I think you have wat it takes.
Carolyn Schweizer Weaver
I have this with my SO, it’s not easy but you’ve been together this long and have a child so it’s great that your trying to find a solution that takes his asburgers and your needs into account to find a compromise, with my SO I’ve found that it’s easier to be very blunt, usually by saying I’m frustrated right now, when I’ve calmed down I’ll talk to you, since getting myself worked up doesn’t help either of us since it’ll only lead to more frustration, instead I calm down, think of what I want to say then explain why I’m frustrated, what my needs are and what I would like him to try to elevate it, don’t do subtle as it doesn’t process, I’ve found been clear and explaining works Alot better, whether it’s more help around the home, spending more couple time together or even sex, but most of all acceptance that the brain is wired a different way, I’ve know my SO for 17 years and been together for the past 8 and have a 3 year old son, trust is a big thing and we accept each other for who we are, deep breath, I know from experience that it can be hard to get out of your own head but try to imagine how hard it can be not to see things the same way, best I had it described was imagine been in a race and told to go from point a to point b, everyone else who is running has a map but you don’t, instead you have to muddle through and hope you get to the same place eventually, good luck hun x
Honestly as someone who has apsergers it can actually be something personal vs related to having aspergers. People have different love languages. He may be giving you his love language without meeting your specific love language which turns into frustration for both parties cause everyone feels like they’re trying the other party feels neglected still. Also keeping in mind how men and women both already work so differently. I feel couples counseling can do wonders for you guys to really open up your marriage, communicatiom skills and overall learning eachother languages.