“Is it normal and okay for a father to not help with the kids because he works and you ‘just stay at home all day’?”
RELATED QUESTION: My Husband Expects Me to Cook and Clean Because I’m a SAHM: Advice?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“Depends on what it is you’re wanting him to do. After working 12 hour days the last thing I want to do when I come home is be bombarded with chores and things that could have been done by the stay at home parent while I was working all day.”
“I told my husband a long tone ago. When he is at work then the kids and house is my job. When he is done working so am I. Then it becomes 50/50 he has always helped me even 10 years and 7 kids later he will help with dishes, kids, cleaning, laundry, or whatever. At this point, we usually do rock paper scissors to see who has to change the baby.”
“Good husbands/fathers usually want to help with their children after work is over they usually are a bit bothered that they don’t get to bond with their children all day like the mother. At least the men in my family feel like they are missing out on raising their babies when working all day. So from my perspective, no this is not normal.”
“What if the roles were reversed? Would you tell him he does nothing all day, and ignore all childcare needs once you’re home? If this sounds absurd (because it is), then the problem is about gender roles. Time to challenge those and negotiate household responsibilities (including emotional labor). Counseling can be great for this. If he were to pay someone for all the work stay at home moms do, his bank account would be drained. All household roles are valuable and important. Everyone deserves time for self-care and to recharge. You are a partner, not a servant.”
“My husband works long hours and gets home later than most. I always try to give him some time to decompress. But he knows when he gets home his child wants to interact with him and play and be with their dad they haven’t seen all day. Even if he doesn’t do anything else around the house which he does (mostly dishes and trash), he is fully expected to spend time with his children because he is their father and no one else can build that relationship with them but him. ‘Helping with the kids’ shouldn’t be seen as just a chore, that is time he is spending with his child and bonding with them.”
“I really wish we’d stop saying that a father is helping a mother raise their kids. I’m so over it. Lol, Dads and moms should give 110% each. Staying at home with children every day is not easy! It’s a job itself.”
“Hell no. They’re his kids too! I get him wanting to unwind for a few after coming home. Mine takes a shower and then starts playing with them, asking how their day was, etc. He usually does bath time with them. You don’t just sit at home all day. You keep them alive all day, you feed them all day, comfort them all day, etc etc etc. Tell him he can have his time after they go to bed, just like you!”
“No! I work 50+ hours a week and he is a stay at home dad. When I get home I take over. He gets some “me” time and I do what needs to be done and it is my time with our daughter. We both have hard jobs and we both need time to do what we want and need to do! Plus, I miss my baby while I’m at work all day, I already miss out on so much so I have to make up time! Don’t put up with that crap, there is no excuse for him not to help!”
“I laid this question to my husband because I didn’t want to be biased. My husband works hard and is frequently gone for long stretches of time months at a time. He works 11 hours or more on an average day. He comes home and helps me with dinner or the kids so I can finish dinner. He said that it’s not normal and feels that has a father you helped making them you need to help raise them. Also just cause you to stay home all day doesn’t mean you aren’t working. He knows that I cook clean and now help with schooling for our kids and feels it’s part of his job as a dad and husband to help. I work 24 hours every day I don’t get a break. If my kids are sick it’s up to me to take care of them. I am a nurse, a teacher, maid and that is just a short list of all my responsibilities as a stay-at-home mom.”
“Is it normal and is it acceptable are two different questions. No, it’s not uncommon for working fathers to not help stay at home moms with the kids after work. No, it’s not acceptable not to help raise your own kids even if you work all day.”
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