Hey! I ask if this can please remain anonymous. Not sure if I am looking for advice or just need to vent, maybe hear others input on this situation I am going through, thanks in advance and sorry for the long post. So I am currently pregnant with a baby boy and have a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship, her father and I were no longer in a relationship when he passed away 2 years ago. My current SO and I have known each other for over 4 years now, we tried dating a while back but it didn’t work out mainly because I had trust issues although he never really gave me reasons. I guess this was due to the toxic relationship I had with my daughters father. We started dating again in the summer and when I told him I was pregnant around October he was overjoyed and told me he has always wanted to have a family with me and are relationship has been really good, no complains. Now just some background; I am 30 years old and moved back in with my parents about 3 years ago because I had separated from my daughters father. I had finished school but had no job. So my mom offered me to move back in. Now, I have always been very private about my personal and love life. I’m Hispanic and mine at least are not very accesible to talk to. When I told my mom I was pregnant she was a little serious but happy because my daughter was going to have a sibling. My family hadn’t met and still hasn’t met my SO although we were planning a dinner of some sort so they can meet him. After knowing about my pregnancy my mom was overly nice making me breakfast and such, I felt spoiled. Now Iiving with my mom I pay a total of $850 a month for a room and other miscellaneous stuff. When I first started living here I was paying maybe $500 but because she was helping me babysit my daughter and she did the food shopping I gave her more. My SO pays about $700 a month so it only makes sense we rent an apartment together. I felt bad about leaving my parents so I asked SO if he would be ok if we rented a 4 bedroom with my parents and he said it would be ok since we are all going to need each other’s support, money wise, the kids and so on. Now where we live it’s cramped, there is no living room or space for my kids and it is continuously having problems like no hot water, no water not to mention in bad condition. When I had mentioned to my mom about moving out and showed her pictures of nice apartments I had found not so far from where we currently live she flat out said no because she loves the area. So I told her ok that’s fine, but I am just giving you a heads up I am moving out. A few days later, she told me she changed her mind because they are going to start charging for hot water and they were paying too much already but it had to be around here. I told her I wasn’t playing around and she needed to make up her mind. She then began to say things like she believes I didn’t make the baby out of love and that I probably don’t love the baby’s father and that the baby is probably an accident. I was so shocked she had the audacity to say anything like that because this lady says to be so catholic, prays 4 hours a day, 6 hours on Sundays. I told her that that part of my life is non of her business. She had also mentioned that I AM the one that is going to be needing of HER help postpartum. Where I didn’t even answer back because I had had enough already. SO is taking time off work to help. I dislike arguing, and she talked to me as if I were still a little girl, like she had no respect for me at all, as if because she is my mom, she could talk to me however she wants. I have no idea why she feels so entitled. Out of my 3 siblings, I’m the oldest, only woman and also the most financially stable. Now I had told her about the apartment because I had the intention of helping my parents with saving money, my parents aren’t getting any younger and I worry for their future especially since COVID hit my father hard and was left with no savings. She hasn’t spoken to me since, it’s been over a week and I’ve even noticed she started treating my daughter different and it hurts because my daughter calls her mom too because she loves her so much, my daughter even mentioned she doesn’t want to move too far because wants to stay close to her grandparents. She can take out all her anger on me but never my kids, that’s where it hurts. I have come to the conclusion that it’s not healthy living with her now or in the future, she is always going to want to get in my business. She says things about SO without even knowing him, like how he is not going to support me, what if he walks out as if she wants things to go bad for me or she is not happy. With the way she is acting I don’t think I want her meeting SO or her future grandson anytime soon. SO hasn’t given me any reason to doubt him and I’m confident in our relationship and the family we are starting. I feel as if this is what happens when you try to look out for those you care about, they don’t appreciate the little things. From now on I am just going to let her go and put my little family first. If you read up to here, thank you.
If you are asking for any advice… my advice to you is to move out of your parents home and move in with your SO and kids and leave it at that. You living with your parents is going to be too rough for everyone involved and it isn’t needed. I would let your parents either stay where they are or let them go to a different place if they choose to. But I wouldn’t let them come with you and your family. If your mom can find herself treating your daughter differently due to animosity towards you… that’s toxic and does not need to be around any of your children. And another thing… $850/month is WAYYYYY too much for you to be paying for just a room. I’m not sure of your location but most of the time, $850 will get you a decent home of your own without all the drama. Especially if you have your SO helping you! Just some advice
I concur. If you don’t want your parents in your business, don’t live with them and don’t let them live with you.
Maybe when you move out they would be able to get a smaller, less expensive place so they can save for their senior years. Save money for your kids and you and your siblings can all save a bit to help them out.
Also, sit down with her, ask her why the attitude. Is she scared of losing you and her grandchildren? Afraid of you moving far away? Afraid of feeling useless? She may need reassurance she will always be needed and loved.
Please introduce her to the father of your children. If it’s going to be tense, have it be an activity like bowling or a hike and a picnic, mini golf, a board or card game, trivia, putting a puzzle together or something you all would enjoy while not bringing out everyone’s competitive nature. If you do something with teams, switch up team members often so everyone gets to be with or against everyone else at some point. No movies or laser tag where no one talks.
I’m gonna try to say this nicely but it’s probably not going to be delicate.
You live with your parents and got pregnant while living with them. They’ve never even met the baby’s father. You found out in october you were pregnant. That’s almost SIX MONTHS! A man you’re actually in a relationship with.
That’s not being reserved with discussing your sex/private life that’s literally shutting them out of a HUGE part of your life and your child’s life.
Take a second…and really stop and think.
Imagine your daughter at 30. Imagine her with a 7 year old. Imagine them living with you because of a toxic/abusive relationship.
Now imagine your daughter turns up pregnant. And she’s “dating” the man…planning to move in with him but you’re not allowed to meet him.
How would you feel? Hurt. Confused…and WORRIED. Worried for your child. Worried for your grandchildren.
Why? First. This is actually a very classic abuse scenario (yes I understand its your choice). Man refuses to meet the womans family afraid they’ll see through him. Gets woman to move in drives wedge to cut her off from her help and support system.
She’s never met the man so she doesn’t know this isnt the case.
And if its not…shes let you live there and y’all seem to have had a decent relationship but you’re freezing her out of a MAJOR part of your life for no real reason.
I’m a big believer in conflict resolution. The first place to start is trying to understand the other persons thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it’s hard because we get so blinded by our own.
But trust me…it helps TONS.
Do not continue living with your parents it will be toxic you need to be happy & present in your own relationship with your kids,SO you will love the freedom of judgement also
Your blood relatives are important, but the MOST important is the family you created. Always put them first!!
Sounds like my mom. If i don’t do what she says she will act ugly towards me and my kids. I just cut her out of my life…
Sounds like your mum isn’t comfortable about you taking control of your life again and she’s been attacking you in these ways to try and weaken you, so you doubt yourself and choices but to me you seem to be a very sound minded woman and good woman your mother should be ashamed, move out and live your life maybe distance will make her realize what she has done and she will ask yours and your daughters forgiveness
It sounds like you need space from her. Things will work themselves out but you need to be independent from her for a while.
It’s time for you to leave the nest! Be prepared for finding a new babysitter you can trust. It’s tough with no mom or family support. But it sounds like you need to do it for yourself. Once that baby is born, hopefully things will be better with her. I wouldn’t ever live with her again. Let them take care of themselves.
Did it even occur to you that, since you’re 6 months along, and your mom STILL hasn’t met your boyfriend that she’s afraid he’s going to be exactly like your last relationship? As a parent, I’d think you have the perfect vantage point to look at it through her eyes and put yourself in her shoes. She doesn’t know your new dude. You’ve been together over 6 months and she has yet to meet him, AND, YOU’RE LIVING UNDER HER ROOF?! As a mom, I’d be worried too! Especially, given the history with your last relationship. As a parent, you know that’s all we do is worry. You can’t blame her for loving you and worrying about your wellbeing and your children. That’s her job, and it’ll never change no matter how old you get. Did she go about voicing that opinion the right way? Absolutely not. But I also don’t think she meant it maliciously to hurt you. She’s scared. It’s hard as parents to sit back and let your kids make their own mistakes. Sit down with her and talk to her. And LISTEN. You may not like what she has to say, but I can guarantee, if you listen and hear her out, she will respond the same. I’m sure the whole point she’s trying to make in this conversation is going to be they want to meet and get to know your boyfriend. What’s wrong with that? You don’t want them to get to know him? He’s the father of your unborn child. I think once that happens, the rest of this will resolve itself. Take a deep breath. Communicate. It’s not that hard. YOU made this mess by blindsiding her with a boyfriend and a pregnancy. Of course she’s terrified! Talk it out. Sounds like you’ve got a good mama who cares about you and is trying to protect you. Appreciate her. They don’t all care that much!
It’s one thing to want them out of your business, but if she found out you had a boyfriend only because you told her about your pregnancy, that’s a pretty big omission on your part. I get having religious and/or controlling meddling parents. I’m a poster child for that! But. Spending your life hiding away what you don’t want to be religiously lectured on and on about sinning isn’t the way to go, either.
I highly suggest you learn to live on your own with your bf and babies, without your parents before you even think about bringing them into it. Because! It allows you to decide and then establish boundaries for your parents. Also, a complete shut out of your personal life is a little weird, and not necessary. Especially if you live under their roof and they watch your oldest daily. Even under your parents roof, you didn’t talk to them at all? There was no, hey, I’ve met this guy type of conversation with your parents? Is it because you were afraid of being lectured or because they wouldn’t approve of your bf?
I moved home and regret doing it
Honestly I recommend you getting your own apartment with your kids. You say you’re a single mom. Great. Take the time to be on your own and learn about yourself before committing 100% to your SO. I’m in a similar situation. I broke up with my sons father and moved in with my mom I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks later. I’ve been single and didn’t return but my next goal is to get my own apartment for me and my kids. This is a journey you should accomplish on your own because you will learn about yourself so much more. I know it’ll be hard not having anybody support but you can do it. I had to put my mom in her place cuz she tried to throw in my face all of my mistakes I’ve made. But thats the thing she can’t bring up my past and expect it to sting cuz it won’t. I’ve moved on from my past. You should too. No dejes que te falte el respeto. El punto de vivir es crecer y disfrutsr de nuestros hijos. No vivimos para las opiniones del resto de la jente. Vivimos por nosotros. Cuando los padres te tiran en cara todo lo que hicieron por ti eso de llama AMOR CONDICIONAL. Eso no es amor verdadero. Porque el amor verdadero se ama sin esperar algo de regreso. Tienes que ser fuerte para seguir adelante. If you need to talk message me. Its all good. But keep going forward. Put your kids and yourself first before your SO and before your parents. At the end of the day you chose to have kids so its time to teach them a great example of unconditional love for oneself and for them.
If my daughter got pregnant by someone I never met I would b a little upset too. U think maybe that has a lot to do with it
She’s probably very worried about the entire situation. I don’t blame your for being upset and I would be too. Some space would be good. I think sitting down and talking would be good for both of you. Also, your parents meeting your SO is still very important as he is the father of your baby boy and always will be. I think meeting him will probably help ease some concerns. This past year has been very hard on people; sounds like your family especially.
Please move out with your SO. Yes babies are hard but they aren’t that little for long. You two will be there for each other and you have a little helper that will be happy to help out. Speaking from experience you do not want to move in somewhere else with your mom after something like this has happened. It will only get worse unfortunately and you will be stuck. Take your little family and be happy. You don’t need that stress right now.
Yes you are paying rent …but have you thanked your mom for all the little things…making you breakfast… looking after your child…and I’m sure many other things…
Why haven’t they met your SO.???
That should of happened ages ago…
These are your parents…
Sounds like your mom has taken things in stride… but no way would I want to commit to moving in with someone I’ve never met