My 14-Year-Old Daughter Started Smoking: Should I Kick Her Out?

QUESTION:

"My daughter just turned 14 and has admitted she’s started smoking. Her friends all do it, and they also do drugs.

She refuses to listen to any advice I or anyone else tells her, except for the advice from her friends. So I told her if that’s the path she has taken, to pack her bags. I can not take much more of her disrespect.

It seems the only way for her to learn is to deal with the consequences. Am I wrong in doing this? She won’t accept help from anyone."

RELATED QUESTION: I Am Struggling to Quit Smoking: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“She is 14. Honestly, I would be putting my foot down and grounding her, no friends, no phone, no bedroom door, and she has to earn back trust and responsibility. That’s the first thing I would try anyway.”

“Pretty sure you can get arrested for kicking your kid out at 14. Especially if anything happens to her. I have a 13-year-old daughter. Some call me strict but she doesn’t have any need to be out running around to do those things. You are the parent and in control. If you can’t handle her there are people you can call for help.”

“If that is your solution then there are obviously other problems in this home. I started smoking around that age and stopped before I graduated from HS. You’ve already lost all of her trust in you by telling her to pack her bags. You made the decision to be her parent, you don’t just get to up and quit because she decided to try smoking. Grounding her will do nothing. Punishment will only make her resent you more. Have a calm conversation with her. Don’t raise your voice. Don’t be condescending. Don’t threaten her. Actually listen to her. Take in what she is saying, even if it is criticism. Parenting takes communication, from both sides.”

“Pack her bags and go where? The streets? Just because she thinks she’s grown doesn’t mean that she is and the odds are not in her favor of not selling her body or ending up on drugs.”

“You need to try a different approach. Take her to meet people that have ruined their lives from smoking and drugs. Show her what she could end up like.”

“No, you cannot give up on her. You are the mother, she is 14. Ground her, don’t let her go out, don’t let her stay at home without you. Take her electronics, change her schools if you have to. Fight for her. It’s ok if she does not like you.”

“You give up too easily. She just turned 14. You should still be the boss of your house. Take her phone. Turn off the Internet. Remove her door. Put locks on the windows. If she runs away, call the cops. If she doesn’t learn her lesson, they have alternative schools. In Michigan, if youth girls behave badly enough they go to Vista Maria. Don’t kick her out, that’s a weak move for a mom. Parent her! Be her mom!”

“I have a 20-year-old son with whom I’ve always had a good relationship. Mutual respect. I found a coke can in his washroom with a butt and assumed it was my husband. Until I asked him and he said no, not me. I asked my son if it was him. He admitted yes. I told him ‘Listen, you’re a big boy. You know how I feel about smoking.’ I went thru all the reasons why he shouldn’t smoke but said if you’re going to do it, don’t do it in my house. I told him I was disappointed. A few days later, I teasingly asked him if he needed an ashtray for his back deck… He said ‘I gave the cigarettes away mom. I couldn’t deal with your disappointment.’ A good relationship goes a long way. Kicking your daughter out at 14 for smoking is a bigger problem then her smoking itself if you ask me. Nothing in this world would make me turn my back on my children.”

“She’s 14!! Be a parent! Set rules, consequences, follow through. It is illegal to toss out a minor. If she won’t listen, that’s when you get help from authorities.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

841 Likes

Pack her bags and go where? The streets? Just because she thinks she’s grown doesn’t mean that she is and the odds are not in her favor of not selling her body or ending up on drugs.

28 Likes

While I understand the frustration… She is 14. I couldn’t imagine living on my own at 14. Shed be homeless.

9 Likes

You need to try a different approach. Take her to meet people that have ruined their lives from smoking and drugs. Show her what she could end up like

19 Likes

Kicking her out isn’t going to stop her from smoking or being a teenager. Sometimes kids have to learn the hard way. Set rules for IN YOUR HOME but ultimately she is going to do what she wants outside of the home.

12 Likes

Shes 14.
Try showing some kindness instead of my house my rules. That’s why shes rebelling l.

9 Likes

It’s actually illegal to kick your child out at 14.

6 Likes

Send her to an alternative school or rehab of some sort. I pray for you and I will not be like some people and judge you. But you do have the right to steer her in the right direction

6 Likes

Just PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. Don’t kick out a child. Teach them and show them why their making a bad decision.

4 Likes

Have you tried a scared straight tactic or maybe talking to the school resource officer. I know when I was in middle and high school when I tried acting out if it wasn’t for the resource officer helping me and guiding me I would’ve gone down a completely different path

2 Likes

At least she isn’t hiding it from you. Maybe set up some firm rules and stick to them. :woman_shrugging:t2: Require lots of supervision. Don’t give her any freedom for a while.

3 Likes

My mama woulda whooped my ass and I wouldn’t be going near those buddies.

No as long as she has a place to go.

1 Like

Dude she’s 14! Tell her she’s grounded go through her stuff and make sure she’s not hiding anything make her do chores keep her from her bad friends do activities with her to keep her mind off of the bad stuff I can’t believe you would think it’s ok to kick a 14 year old out

18 Likes

Honeslty coming from person who started smoking at a young age, i think 15. Trust me kicking her out will probably make her try other stuff to resent you. And cigarettes will be the least of your worries. When I got caught I was grounded, went to school, came home, no friends, no phone, no life. I started to get a life back but I had a strict curfew my parents checked my breath, my clothing, everything to see if I smelt like smoke. Trust me she will come around, I sure did fast bz i hated being on lock down. I was free before that to do what I wanted but I disrespected my parents rules and had consequences. I learned really fast. Try that approach, shes 14.

9 Likes

Kicking her out is not going to help anything . You’re not supposed to give up on her you’re supposed to be there for her and be her mom , not kick her out when she starts doing things teenagers do. You’ve been a teenager before , would it have helped you to be abandoned by the person that was never supposed to give up on you?

2 Likes

Um she is 14. :woman_shrugging:t2::woman_shrugging:t2::woman_shrugging:t2:. Their are many option you have before you throw a child out on the streets. You can contact cps for help. There is always therapy, guidance counselor at school, your local job Corp. there are so many option out their. Don’t give up on a child

6 Likes

What exactly do you think is going to happen to her if you kick her out? How is that gonna solve anything smh

3 Likes

No wonder she smokes. You want to kick your child out at 14, shows a lot about your parenting and her home life. you are a piece of shit

I’m…yes you are wrong. You cannot kick a 14 year old out. If she needs help get her help. Give her consequences for her actions, teach her, be a parent. Just beacuse you are frustrated or don’t know how to handle a sertian situation doesn’t mean you can kick a child out and wash you’re hands with the situation…

7 Likes