"My question is: I have been with my SO for nine years, going on 10 in January, and he has custody of his now 14 yo daughter. She ended up with us last year.
I’m trying to figure out how to deal with her ignoring me as though I am not in the house or I don’t exist. We have had our ups and downs, but it got to where we were cordial, now she has come back from visitation with her mom for a week, and I’m getting the silent treatment.
I have spoken to my SO about it, and in return, he has spoken to her about it. Her response is ‘I have nothing to say to her.’ I do for her what I do for my kids, no thank you, no hello, no nothing. I’m at my wit’s end with her.
I have tried my hardest to get along with her and even became the bigger person with her complete disrespect towards me and let things go to try and move forward, but no effort was made on her behalf.
Dad hasn’t tried or put his foot down with her either. I’m almost ready to throw in the towel and leave. Every time I bring ‘her’ up to him, he gets defensive. Please help as I don’t know what else to do."
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“Adopt the Nacho method with her. Not your child, not your problem. If your SO has an issue with that let him know that his lack of support in being an additional respected adult in his child’s life has led to you feeling like you’re not obligated to do anything but ignore her as well and let him parent alone for peace in the household. Family therapy will only work if your partner wants to be a partner with you and it sounds like you 2 are not on the same page which is causing problems. My recommendation is couples counseling before family therapy. You’re struggling more with your partner’s lack of respect/empathy for your position. You’re having a partner problem more than you are having issues with a14 year girl. Teens suck and it’s normal but the lack of support from your partner is what makes you want to quit.”
“Sounds like you guys need family counseling. Idk why parents think big adjustments are easy on kids.”
“I even tried being the bigger person…’ She’s 14, you’re an adult. That statement makes me believe there is a lot more to this than you’re telling. 14-year-olds rarely even like their own mothers. Give her some space and stop giving ultimatums and expecting something for being a parent. She clearly has something on her mind and what you’re doing isn’t going to fix it. Stop thinking about yourself and consider what she needs.”
“She’s a teenager going through a HUGE life transition, with probably her mother in her ear. People need to stop thinking kids should have adult coping skills. it sounds like family therapy is in order, and that poor girl deserves some grace. Not everything is about you, give her some space.”
“It seems like you may not like her for whatever reason and your own emotions are causing the issues. If she has nothing to say to you then what’s the issue? Leave her alone. Imagine not having your mom 24/7. Your mindset is ignorant to “be a bigger person” all because a 14-year-old is ignoring you. Please seek help. Or actually leave.”
“Well first off, you ARE the bigger person. She’s going through a lot for a child and he’s she’s still a child and one with some new hormones if I had to guess. If you’re ready to leave, I’d say this is a ‘you’ problem, not a ‘her’ problem. Drop the ego and try to understand what it might be like to be a 14 yr old with a new stepmom.”
“Do you and let her do the same. Don’t force it. She doesn’t have anything to say…that’s better than disrespect. Sounds like she is dealing with things her own way. Some of these women sound as immature as the child…THE CHILD!!”
“And if you’re willing to just leave over his child then you shouldn’t be with him in the first place IMO. It’s new to her and she can feel the tension.”
“She’s 14 so to me, with your husband on board, I would treat her like she is treating you. She ignores you, you ignore her. She can cook, clean, get from A to B all on her own. If she wants to act like you don’t exist, then don’t.”
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