My 4-year-old has been having major meltdowns: Advice?

My 4 year old is in the biggest tantrum stage. She throws her fits to the point i can not calm her down. I feel like ive tried everything. Talking to her at her level, telling her i understand why shes upset. Asking her to talk to me and tell me why she is so upset. She just cries and cries in a full meltdown mode. We will pull in to the house in the driveway before we even get out i tell her we are going to be nice to each other and listen to each other. She says ok. But then when the meltdown happens she doesnt want to come out of it. As much as i dont want to admit it ive tried threatening bedtime, no play time,ive tried ignoring her and putting her in her room also the most guily part on me is spanking and when she screams in intervals and kicking. (mostly when im trying the ignoring process ). I know that is not the way to go. When she finally does calm down which could be up to an hour, we will talk about it and i tell her every single time to try not to start crying and talk to me. It never works. She goes in meltdown mode before i can stop it and i cant calm her down. This is every single day/night at least once sometimes more. Everyone keeps telling me its the age and stage shes in. I dont want her growing up resenting me and or not coming to me with problems. I feel like ive tried everything. Her sister is 1, and this has been going on since she was 3 --before her sister was here though. Her sister wasnt planned , I feel the biggest mom guilt because i brought another baby in this world when i look back now and think she wasnt ready. Shes so smart and articulate but i can not control her meltdowns. Any advice will help.


Send her to school or a sport :softball:

Just hold her. Make her feel safe.


Keep soothing her, she’s got a lot of feelings going one for her age. Threatening things won’t help at this point. All you can do is keep being there and telling her it’s ok. Keep being firm on the normal no hitting, be nice and all that while you’re at it. You can do it momma, it’s hard.

When my daughter shuts down like that , distraction seems to work best for her. I don’t ask her anything , I’ll tell her a cute story she hasn’t heard before or we’ll go outside for a walk and I’ll start looking for rolly pollys. Just removing her from the situation seems to calm her down . My daughter seems to have anxiety and it’s builds if I don’t change the situation . I’m not sure if this is healthy but it works for us

Logical consequences. If she doesn’t get your attention with one (natural, unconscious) manipulation she will try something else. Hopefully something more productive. When she hits on a more productive technique- reward it with your attention etc just my advice - but every kid is different :woman_shrugging:

My 4 year old granddaughter has to go to her room and gather her thoughts. When she is ready she can come back out.

I would do exactly they :point_up: said :heart: just hold her soothe her that is all you can do is be there for her you will get through this maybe get her something to relieve the stress a squishy ball or something, relaxing oils music movies

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Take her toys away and everything else and mean it otherwise she will turn out to be a spoiled brat


Just sit w her…Just wait for her to relax and come to u.My son had wild episodes.I just hung on him like I felt what he was.I never spoke…He came around after about a month to tell me how he felt .

I just quietly start agreeing with them and trying soothing noises ,rub there back if they let you.Most of the time they don’t even know why their crying,might be a dropped toy but underneath it’s tiredness,hunger,anything really.Give the same sympathy as you would if she fell xx sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t but it doesn’t last forever,before you know it it’ll be teenage hormones :thinking::joy:

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Totally ignore. Do not feed into it. Yea its frustrating and shevmay go on and in for no telling how long. But to feed into it is enabling. Unless she has a medical problem ignore. She will eventually figure out it’s not working. Keep assuring her in calm monotone voice when she is calm you will listen to her. My grandson had bad crying spell when he was 2 to 3 yrs old. Cry cry cry. Always said he couldn’t stop. Finally figured out his blood sugar was dropping and causing the problem. Good luck. Patience

I don’t even know why your on here… sound to me like your made of cotton candy… & you have oatmeal running thru your veins… and yes I am Hispanic & in our culture we hit our kids… I’m a mom of 3 boys and never had to deal with no tantrums EVER!.. good luck with all the “ hold her & talk about your feelings crap”… if you don’t put your foot down & start acting like a PARENT… you might just have the next school shooter on your hands… peace :v:t3:


I’m an old fashioned Nana :woman_shrugging:t2: what worked for my children and grandchildren is routine. So they know where they are and what’s going to happen. So a chart is good .that they help to make.
Also their little bodies and brains get so tired. We also ways stop every 2 hours for a sit down, drink and snack( you as well x)
At bed time. Tell her some thing you like/ where proud of her for. Ask her to tell you the best thing that happened today. You will find this gradually becomes a time where they tell you about their day.
Don’t mention any thing negative.
When the tantrums happen. Ignore them where possible for 2 weeks. Walk out of the room if possible. Try to avoid areas during these weeks where you can’t, if possible x
If she’s still having them.
Start a pocket money system for simple things. Have all the pennies she can earn in a week. Laid out. Where she can see them but not reach them.
Then after 2 weeks quietly say. If you don’t relax and play with ( whatever) I will take away one of your pennies. Don’t raise your voice follow through. If she complains. Tell her ‘ off you go and do a job for me then’ to earn it back.
I know it may not help. But all kids do this. She is trying out boundaries on you. It’s your job to teach her where they are. Good luck x

My gut feelings are going into overdrive at the moment and I must post what Im worried about. Hopefully I’m wrong…if your child is in day care or kindy or play group etc, is there something going on there that she can not verbalise? It sounds like more than tantrums to me, sounds like breakdowns and emotional turmoil. My gut is worried for this little one that she is being abused somewhere and can not articulate it.
I really hope Im wrong :disappointed:

If this has been going on for so long it may well be something that you can’t fix… try your GP…

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Have you talked to your doctor about this, have everything checked, her ears and things

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My son was doing this. My mum told me to put him in a cold shower. It worked. He has never done it again. He stops home now. And says no shower I be calm. Not the best advice but it worked for me. And I tried everything you did.

Honestly leave her in her room to throw her tantrum, if it happens again back in her room she goes until she can talk to you without the tantrum. It’s all about consistancy. Do not coddle her or give in to what she wants. Maybe record her ask her what she would think about if she saw someone else acting that way? Worked with my daughter may work with her. No need to spank her but also no need to let the behavior continue or be “ok”. I would tell he matter of fact that it is not acceptable behavior and you want to talk to her and help her but when she acts like that you cant.

Whip that ass. It worked for us. Oh that’s right they call that child abuse. That’s why its happening.
In our day our parents looked at us and they had no problem