My 7 year old isn't biologically mine and he constantly throws it in my face: Advice?

I am married and have seven yo son and almost two yo daughter. I’m pregnant and due in 3 weeks. My seven-year-old son is not biologically my son, but I have raised him since he was 1. His birth mother never had custody of him. And gave up her rights to him when he was 4. She passed away in May. For three years, she had not seen my son. My husband and I debated on telling our son about his bio mom passing because she had not seen him in a little over three years. But our son had been being bullied at school by some kids who knew I was not his biological mom. So my husband told our son about his bio mom passing because he had become very upset about his birth mother’s situation. My husband hoped it would bring some closure to our son and also reassured him that even though I had not birthed him, I have always loved and cared for him as a son. Fast forward from May to now. Life has been a living hell. My son constantly throws in my face that I’m not his mom. Is beyond disrespectful to me. He has told me to my face he wishes I were dead and that his bio mom, who he has not seen since he was four, was here with him and his dad and not me. I have tried to not take what he tells me to heart. Because I know he grieves for his bio mom as she will always be apart of him. The biggest issue is that he seems to constantly stay so sad, moody and has told me and my husband he does not respect us. Before my husband and I got married, my husband was living with his parents. So from birth to almost four, our son lived with my husband and his grandparents. My mil was, in a way a mother figure to him. The problem now is our son tells us that he doesn’t respect us and wants to live with his grandparents. Well our son is failing school now and when we addressed his lying and behavior with him he told us he didn’t have to respect us. After much arguing my husband called my mil and his mom came and got her grandson. I feel like my husband had a mental breakdown because his son who he fought so hard to have custody of and make sure had a good life now wants nothing to do with us. My husband is a great man and father. I feel stuck in a hard place and do not know what to do. We have disciplined our son. He sees a school counselor and nothing has changed. Our son is now currently staying with my mil because she feels it would be best to show our son that even if he lived with her that he would still have rules to abide by and be respectful. I feel like this is only going to make it worse with him not respecting us, and I think it is absurd that a seven yo get a say in where they live because he is upset that we discipline him and that his birth mother was crappy. It is constantly helped over my head what his bio mom did, and it has really taken a toll on me mentally. I feel like my mil has overstepped greatly. My husband is mentally exhausted. And I am scared to death I’ll go into labor early because of this mess. And I do not want my second child to have to deal with the aftermath of what my son’s bio mom did. She is dead and gone, and I feel like she is ruling my life. Idk what else to do. My mother who was raised in a very strict home and raised me the same way days to whoop him and let him be. He is about to be 8. That it won’t be long and he will be out of our house and on his own. I can not imagine the next ten years of my life being spent that way. And I in no way want that life for my children or me.

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He needs counseling. Whether she has passed away or not, it was still his mother and he still feels that hurt, the hurt of his mom passing, the hurt of her not wanting him. At the end of the day, its not about you or your husband. Its about getting this little boy the help he needs to grieve properly.

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I hate to say it but I think he needs some counseling. He is struggling with something emotionally that he can’t process on his own and doesn’t know how to talk about. Maybe start there. He might be afraid that you are going to go away like his mom did and in the end they are worth fighting for. I have 3 step children that in my eyes are my kids. One of my daughters bio mom said she didn’t want her at 6 years old and I have been her only mom since then. It is very tough on all of you I am sorry your going through all of this.

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He needs more than a school counselor… take him to someone else.

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I think if the MIL keeps him disciplined it may be a good thing. That way he knows he not getting away with anything no matter where he is

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This kid is7 please try be therer for him and maybe counceling ,togather are by him self maybe he’s up set he don’t see mom before pass

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Sounds like he needs some therapy. I would definitely look into that. Also I’m not sure about if your mother in law over stepped but it sounds like your husband is done and she is just trying to show him that things wont be different with her. Obviously if you and your husband disagree with her having him go and get him.

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Call his bluff… don’t do a thing for him, everytime he asks for something or do something or take him somewhere say, " I’m not your mother remember:

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Perhaps find him someone to talk to . No offence to school counsellor but they never helped me. Only ones through the dr did . Chat to your dr about it . It’s a lot for him to take on, especially if kids arnt being nice to him about it. Specialist grief counselling and perhaps a play therapist might help him understand and find ways to express himself other than anger. Death is complex and worrying especially for children. Had he learned about death beforehand ?
He might want to chat to the dr and just tell him how he is feeling . Perhaps one of the forms where you circle how you’ve been feeling the last two weeks might be good for him to fill out when there to assess how his head is.
Lots of hugs
I hope you manage to work things out and have a happy little boy back xx

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Therapy! Every behavior is a need trying to be fulfilled. He is in pain. At 7 yearsold he does not have the brain development to work this out for himself. The adults in his life need to stop trying to discipline the grief out of this poor kid.

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He is upset and he is taking it out on you and his dad. He doesn’t know any other way at 7 to handle it. I know it’s hard but I think him going to stay with his grandparents for a bite will help him. He needs to see a therapist so he know how to deal with how he feels

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He does need counseling and grief counseling as part of it. Children also need boundaries and to feel that someone is in charge! He needs a mental health counselor

Therapy. Also is he still getting bullied at school? If so, the school needs to address the bully situation.

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Obviously this child has been through severe trauma and abandonment and unfortunately no matter how nice u are you cant fix that. He needs professional support from a therapist and possibly cognitive behavioral therapy. He is clearly suffering, more than I suspect you could possibly begin to understand. He needs a good child therapist. A school counselor is not qualified to treat.

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Leave him with your MIL and live your life.

I dont think mil overstepped. I think she’s just trying to help and thinks you, hubby, and son could all use the break.

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Definitely a better therapist, one thing you never do is give up. He need be home and needs reminded every time he says mean things that nothing will change the love you have for him.
Kids lash out with there pain to the ones they deep down know love them unconditionally and let all the pain out with.
He needa more understanding and family Councling I think would benifit you all.

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He’s a child and doesn’t understand. He needs someone to talk to that isn’t offended about his genuine feelings.

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I also agree on counseling but also maybe a way to remember his mom.something so he can know she is always a part of him or a place he can have a type of memorial regardless she will always be his mom and he needs to deal with this now rather than later.

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He needs another therapist. EMDR therapy? Something triggered the behavior. Hes in pain. Try not to give up.

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