"My boyfriend’s daughter, who is 15, recently snuck out of the house, leaving us all to believe she was missing. Only to show back up at 7 am with two boys she barely knows. When she came back, she told a lie after lie about where she had been and what she had been doing all night.
Her mom is very lenient on her punishment, and my boyfriend is firm and told her she needed to quit her job, lose her phone, all of her privileges at his house (tv, going to any fun extracurriculars, computer unless it was for school, etc) and focus on school. Her mom disagrees with quitting the job and is only taking away her phone as long as she feels like it.
My boyfriend stipulated for six months or more for her punishment. Because her mom does not agree with all of his rules, his daughter has gone to stay with her mom for an extended amount of time because she is still allowed to work and has more freedom. How would you react? What do you think is an adequate punishment?"
RELATED QUESTION: What Is a Good Punishment for Teens Who Snuck Out?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“Dad is too extreme. Mom isn’t doing enough. They need to meet in the middle.”
“Quitting her job isn’t a suitable punishment. Jobs are a responsibility. That’s ridiculous to ask of her. That’s like saying ‘you’re grounded, don’t go to school.’”
“Making her quit her job is weird to me. Usually, jobs require you to have some sort of responsibility and to me, that’s important.”
“I don’t agree with quitting her job and 6 months is super harsh… she’s a teen… they’re going to make mistakes… just my opinion.”
“Six months is too much, quitting her job is too much. And this is between them, stay out of it.”
“Making her quit her job is insane. I’d stay with my mom too. And I agree with mom here. Six months for sneaking out isn’t an okay punishment. She’s gonna learn nothing from being holed up for 6 months. After a month or two she will retaliate. She learns nothing at that point.”
“I think taking her job away is a bit much. She would be grounded from everything else and can go straight to school, work, and home.”
“I’m going to agree with the majority here and say having her quit her job doesn’t make much sense and the punishments are coming from a place of anger which will only cause her to rebel more which will only make things worse. She will be on her own in a few short years so having respectful and meaningful discussions about what curfews are appropriate and what behavior is and isn’t appropriate, and expectations that include her thoughts and input on them might work better? Kids are often more apt to comply when they feel they have helped set the rules or at least gotten some slack in the way of monitoring. I’m not saying let her be out at all hours of the night but you don’t want to have so much control over her that when you’ve lost responsibility for her she ends up going off the deep end and lacks good judgment and responsibility. Just my thoughts.”
“You’re JUST dad’s girlfriend. You don’t handle it at all. It’s between her parents. By the sounds of it, you’re probably part of the problem. You’re trying to interfere in her life as a parent when you’re not. She’s acting out because of it. Know your lane & gtfo of theirs.”
“She has a job, making her own money, make her pay her own phone bill or if she does already y’all can’t take that. She’s trying to grow up and do grown things, treat her like an adult, not a child. She probably lies because y’all still trying to treat her like a child when she’s trying to prove she is growing up. You’re just going to push her away instead of trying to understand why she’s trying to be grown. I’d go stay with the other parent too, y’all are doing too much. Trying to control every single thing she does like quit her job? That’s stupid! Take her phone for 6 months?? What happens if she gets stranded on the road? Sounds more like you are trying to control her more than her own parents… stay in the girlfriend’s place, you are not her parent!”
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