"My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years and have a 16-month-old together. Ever since the baby was born, I’m starting to see a different side to him. Almost narcissistic like.
He’s very angry and snaps quickly. And for this, he’s never been left alone with the baby. I just have this feeling of it not being the best idea due to comments and actions. But with that being said, he could care less to try and help. Only in front of people, so it looks as if he helps.
He has an older child from a previous relationship, and I believe he has extreme guilt issues from the way he has grown up. He won’t do anything with the baby and me unless his other child is around. It’s almost as if we don’t exist.
He won’t help buy diapers, Christmas and birthday gifts, doesn’t show up for doctors’ appointments, won’t take pictures, won’t go to events, etc. but will provide that for his other child. And I used to help with his child but not anymore.
It’s extremely frustrating to watch him treat our baby that way. He says I provide and do all these fun things that he doesn’t need to provide for the baby. He still expects me to help him with his child, BUT if you can’t even show up for our child, why would I help you… I REFUSE to have our baby and myself pay for the decisions he made in the past. I guess I’m just lost as to what I should do or how I should feel."
RELATED QUESTION: How can I make my husband understand that I need his help?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“If you are not comfortable leaving your baby alone with him, you already know your answer, honey.”
“There seems to be a lot of stories like this on this site – makes me sad. I had hoped this younger generation would be better than when I was a young mom. There is only one answer: start making plans to be independent and get a divorce. People do NOT change – he is showing his true colors(he probably was before you just did not want to see it).”
“There is such a thing as postpartum depression for men. Maybe discuss with him how you’re feeling and discuss therapy and/or couples counseling to see what’s wrong. If he’s defensive and doesn’t want to work on your relationship, you probably shouldn’t stay…”
“My first husband was the exact same way. I tried to tell myself everything was fine. After he shook my infant daughter and screamed in her face, I left him.”
“Leave, you’re pretty much doing it alone. Might as well actually do it alone and be happier. Think of your child they don’t need that type of negativity in their life, they can feel your stress. It will do you both a world of good just to get out on your own.”
“You already said you don’t trust him to be with the baby alone. That’s your answer. You also said you are doing it by yourself. So, why are you even there?”
“If you don’t trust him alone with the baby that’s enough reason to leave and file for emergency full custody.”
“This is EXACTLY how my ex-husband acted after our daughter was born. He became violent and abusive towards me and our family dog. He wouldn’t lift a finger to help with our preemie and would act like he couldn’t hear her colicky cries when she literally played in the bed between us because I was exhausted. Too much to tell but girl I say take your baby and run for the hills! If you’re already providing the necessities for your baby like he said you are, then you can do it without him around!! Prayers for your health and happiness sweetie.”
“It sounds like you are on the right track… re-evaluating this relationship. If you come to the conclusion that it is not working for you or your child and is detrimental to you and your child, then you need to move on in a swift manner.”
“I left my husband of 12 years after we had two babies, 16 months apart. I won’t go into all the details but I would never leave him alone with our kids. I would literally wait until they were asleep at night before I would take a shower. This was a little over two years ago. Best decision I ever made. My kids are now 4 & 5 and perfectly fine. I’m engaged to an amazing man who is a wonderful father to my boys.”
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