My boyfriend only claims my kids as his own when we are alone: Advice?

I have a problem and really could use some advice from other moms. I have three kids. They are all from a previous relationship, and their father is no longer in the picture. I have been dating another guy for about two years, and we have been talking about him moving in and us being a happy family. A year ago, he told me that he wanted to be their father figure, and he has really stepped up. He helps with homework, takes them to practices, is with us every holiday, tucks them in, and reads them a story at bedtime. It even helps with anything they may need if I ask him to. The issue is, he will tell his family and his friends that my kids are not his kids. Like the only wants to claim them when we are alone, and I don’t know how to feel about it. It kind of hurts my feelings in a way. But he is so amazing to them when it’s just us. What do you take from the situation?

26 Likes

Maybe he would prefer it’s solidified via adoption or something before making it a public claim

2 Likes

it seems like a show to me :woman_shrugging:t3: he can’t love them in private and not in public. that’s awful. yes, they aren’t his BIO kids but still, he wants to play step daddy but only 50%? that’s not okay.

10 Likes

How does he treat them in front of his family and friends, he may be waiting till it’s more official to protect his feelings in case it goes south

10 Likes

How does he say it. Does someone ask him something about them and he says they aren’t my kids

1 Like

The real question is HOW does he treat the kids around other people?

19 Likes

They aren’t his kids. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love them or care about them

30 Likes

I would tell him straight out…he can’t have it both ways…they either are or they’re not.

2 Likes

I take it he is being a very upstanding stepparent who understands his place as a role model/father figure as he is not their biological parent. He is also not married to you and is respectful of those boundaries. Reality for stepparents is if you two don’t work out or biological father decides he wants a relationship with his children he will have to take a back seat. He understands he has no legal right or claim to them but at home still loves and treats them as his own. Stepparenting is very hard. You love children you didn’t make or have a claim to whom can be ripped away from you at any moment. I think until he has a legal right to them he is doing the right thing.

46 Likes

I would say this is not okay. My oldest daughter’s bio father never has seen her. My husband now came into her life when she was 2. He has always treated her equal as our other 2 we have had together since we met. He has even said to other people, that not anyone will ever tell them that she is not his. He has raised her, fathered her in every way and I am beyond thankful for it. It never even crosses my mind that she is not his daughter. She is a differnt race from him as well.
I say you to talk to him about it and ask his reasoning for saying that to other people. Something sounds off to me as in he is scared or worried what other people will think.

6 Likes

My son is stepfather to three children but he didn’t say he was their dad until they made a commitment now they say he is my dad and he says those are my kids maybe he is waiting to make a commitment to say they’re my children

2 Likes

You guys are dating… there is no commitment at this time. They are not his kids. But it is great he is stepping up to such a big responsibility. Also, his family might be worried about what he is getting into… and he shuts them down by speaking the truth.

10 Likes

If he treats them as his own kids then leave it alone.

9 Likes

He hasnt adopted those children, so he is right…they arnt his kids, being a step parent and stepping Into that role is great of him but until hes adopted them they legally arnt his and he doesnt have to say they are his…he has every right to say they are your kids until hes dotted the I and crossed the t

5 Likes

Maybe because he is just the bf now you guys don’t live with each other. Maybe he is afraid to get hurt also

1 Like

He’s using your kids, to get to you. It’s a show.

4 Likes

I always struggled with calling my stepdaughter my daughter as I didn’t want to take away from her mother’s rights to use that term, she only has one mother, as I know how I would feel having someone else claim my children as theirs. I also didn’t like the term stepchildren because I feel like it has a negative connotation in our society. So I came across a term that I use which is “bonus child” it isn’t dishonest, it respects her biological mother’s right to solely claim her daughter as hers and allows me to convey that I feel grateful and blessed to be able to have this child I did not birth in my life. Maybe he feels that he doesn’t want to be dishonest or doesn’t know what he should call them. You should discuss with him and hear him out. From your description he obviously loves them and wants to care for them.

5 Likes

Communication is the key to long , healthy and happy relationships. Talk to him!!!

4 Likes

But they aren’t his kids…

10 Likes

You go by what people do, not what they say.
For whatever reason, he’s uncomfortable saying he’s the father.
Truth is, he’s not, but a step up dad is better than nothing!
Don’t worry, sometimes it’s just the words…
:woman_shrugging:t2::heart:

5 Likes