My boyfriends mom tries to parent his daughter: Advice?

Hi! I need a little advice regarding my boyfriend’s mother. I’ve been helping my boyfriend raise his daughter pretty much since she was born (about three years). I love her a lot, and I do a lot of things for her to help her with her growth and development. My problem is my boyfriend’s mom. She is very controlling and likes to disrespect both my boyfriends and my decisions in regards to his daughter. For example, for the last month or so, she hasn’t been eating anything for dinner. I’m almost certain that that is because no matter how many times we tell my boyfriend’s mother no candy because she didn’t eat dinner, she always gives her a big handful of candy. I am getting so utterly frustrated with sitting at the table and trying my hardest to get her to eat anything literally and her not eat and no more than 30 minutes later get a big handful of candy from grandma after we said no. And I know it’s not the little girl’s fault; I mean, she learned that throwing a tantrum at dinner time and not eating will lead her to candy later on. I am just so utterly frustrated that she completely disregards my and my boyfriend’s decisions regarding her and does what she wants even if we say no. Advice?

12 Likes

sounds like your living in her home id suggest you guys get your own place that would help

15 Likes

Do you live with her? I’d move out into your own place. If not, i don’t think the occasional candy instead of dinner would create such a prolonged habit.

3 Likes

Don’t live with in laws. Specially ones who can’t follow the parents rules or boundaries set. The only way to get this sorted is not have her there and put her back in her lane

8 Likes

I think that no matter what for the boyfriends mom (you to her…being the girlfriend and not the bio mom…no matter how long you’ve been involved in the little girls life…you’re irrelevant to her) and if it really bothers dad that much then he should man up and let his mom know…and if you guys are living with his mom then move out…that’s her home.

18 Likes

Move out! Start giving the mom pamphlets on a healthy diet, obesity, the struggles girls in especial face over it.

Sounds like you’re all living there. If you don’t like it move out of her house.

4 Likes

I’m guessing you do not have kids and think you know everything about “parenting” no matter how long you sit with them to eat they will not eat if they are not hungry. She could not be going through a growth spurt right now. They will eat when they are hungry just keep offering or leave her plate out. Stop expecting perfection from a 3 year old.

12 Likes

Get your own place. Living with someone else usually means their rules on anything or anyone in the house. So go one up and get your own place.

7 Likes

My mom lives with us and 100 percent backs our parenting. She’s been exceptionally respectful of the parenting we’re working on and has even prevented my children from hitting me (both of my children who lash out have special needs). They respect my mom, too. They know she enforces our rules and know they can’t pull a fast one on her. If you live with his mom, it may be time to get your own place. If she lives with you, then it’s time she respect the rules or fly the coop.

This is why you can’t live with your parents when you have a family. Grandparents want to spoil the child which is great but children need structure and since it sounds like you live there it doesn’t stop. Your bf would have to put his foot down and even then he can’t control his mother completely. You have to move out. I make nothing but what my kids like anyway. And even then they decide one day they don’t like it. Its frustrating. And its not like they get candy if they don’t eat. Nope they just decided they don’t like it anymore. Lol kids. But candy will seriously rot the child’s teeth even if the child brushes regularly. I lived with my mom and she watched my oldest while I worked and would feed him sweets all the time. I had tonget his top teeth removed because of decay. Ugh I was so mad. But he’s 15 now and doesn’t really remember. Has all his adult teeth.

4 Likes

Just take the candy away, tell after dinner. No dinner. No candy

3 Likes

Take the candy away?

4 Likes

I mean she’s 3, they aren’t all sunshine and rainbows at that age… tbh they won’t be for awhile :wink:

6 Likes

Take the candy away and give it back to the mother stand yalls ground on what yall want even if you live with her she is not the parent but make sure your boyfriend stands with you because he is the parent and he needs to make the final decision

5 Likes

In all honesty just let her be. If she’s having candy then take it. If she doesn’t want food then leave her at that. Kids won’t let themselves starve :woman_shrugging:t4:

2 Likes

Three year olds many times want anything BUT what you put in front of them. Psychologically, they are coming aware for the first time that they think independently of mom and dad. It may have nothing at all to do with grandma. Im sure grandma would rather see her grandchild (I have 5) eat healthy rather than junk. The older generations usually are more worried about that than younger ones. But she also has been there and has learned some battles just arent worth fighting. Pick your battles because her son loves his mom.

1 Like

Take the lollies off her and throw it out as good as nana gives it to her, nana and child will both learn

2 Likes

He needs to sit and tell his mother that it’s either his way or she will not be left alone with the daughter anymore.

9 Likes

If you’re living with her you need to get your own place. And he also needs to talk with his mom. Grandma spoiling every once in a while is fine but to constantly undermine your parental authority (biological or not… you are a parental figure) is not healthy. It is also confusing for the child. There needs to be teamwork and consistency in raising her to establish healthy boundaries and mutual respect. By undermining what you say/your rules she is inadvertently teaching the child she doesn’t have to listen to what you say. If that were my child they wouldn’t be going over there again until grandma can learn to respect our wishes. It is not unreasonable to ask that she not load the child up with a bunch of sugar when she doesn’t want to or hasnt eaten her dinner. If she is too full or doesn’t want to eat fine…but if she’s “too full” for dinner then she is too full for dessert.

6 Likes