My ex-husband holds my step son against me: What can I do?

I’m sorry for the long post in advance. I left my husband in July of 2019. He was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive. Our child was born in June 2018. He also had a son before we were together that he has full custody of (his mom is a drug addict). I raised his son as my own from the time he was one, and I left my ex when he was 4. I have filed for divorce, and I have custody of our daughter. After leaving him, he texted me saying that he doesn’t want anything to do with our daughter and won’t let me (or my family) see his son. Our hearts break every day. I am a strong person, and I know that I am not his biological mother, but that is my son. But I also know that my ex uses his son as power over me. It’s the one thing he has that he knows I would die for, but can’t have. I am totally lost in life right now, I have a one-year-old daughter and I’m trying to figure out how to explain that her Daddy doesn’t want her, especially since I left him and he would be there if I didn’t and a son who has had every woman in his life walkout, including me. I am also a recovering alcoholic, and as of lately, I have been skipping the recovering part. I was sober the entire time I was with my ex, but this has just pushed me over the edge. Again, I’m sorry for the long post; I’m just hoping that someone has been through something similar and can give some advice.


Call a lawyer about it. You may not be able to stop it.
I am sorry for your loss

1 Like

Stay strong. Every day will be different emotions. You don’t have to deal with everything at once. Make sure you are taking care of yourself as hard as that can be at times. Your daughter needs you and your step son will figure out what’s going at some point.


You may be able to get some sort of visitation thru court since y’all were married, but please please never tell your baby her daddy doesn’t want her​:broken_heart::pensive: she’s one, she will get older and there will come a time to address that… hopefully he will pull his head out of his rear soon…stay strong for your babies mama!!


I haven’t been through your exact situation but I have experience in alcoholism and parenting and divorce with stepchildren. Your first step is to get back into recovery. Go to AA or counseling and get your head back in the game first and foremost because as long as youre not sober you will not be able to think with a clear healthy mind to make clear and healthy decions. Second. Your daughter is a baby and too young to have to explain anything right now. And unfortunately as far as your stepson goes you do mot have any legal rights and there’s not much you can do besides learn how to cope with that by getting counseling. You only have control of one thing in this life and that is how you handle your emotions and your reactions to things that happen in your life.


#1- get to AA. Taking care of yourself first is what will help you take care of your kids. Drinking will only lead to bad decisions and bad behavior which could be held against you in court if you need to go there.
#2- there is legal help, try to find it.
#3- your baby girl needs you. Focus on building your new life. Be strong- it’s not easy being a single mom after being beat down for so long. Get some therapy, abuse affects you in ways you don’t realize.
Good luck to you, you have a battle in front of you, but you can do it and you WILL be happy again. :two_hearts:


Keep your head up for your daughter and keep it moving…God can place a husband/stepfather in your life that will love you and her. It’s time to let go…free yourself.

Take one day at a time. Contact a lawyer and go from there. Wishing you the best of luck be strong you can do it.:pray::rose:

Pray and contact a lawyer at least get him for child support for your daughter. Go to a meeting and pray! Remember You are stronger without him than with him

She is one so her being able to understand is minimal…and something that you really shouldn’t be thinking about, you have to be in the here and now…get started getting the type of help and support you need and your daughter need. As to the man well you can’t do anything about his behaviour his choices and or anything so accept what you cannot change and do what you can for you and yours just saying. I wish you luck, peace and happiness.

In NY, i know you can file for visitation of him on behalf of your daughter since they are siblings. My sister did that when she was older to my brother and i against our mom and won visitation here at my mom’s house when i was younger. Try talking to a lawyer. They’ll be able to assist you better

First and foremost get back your sobriety don’t let him win… and if you helped raised that child and you were married you absolutely can get visitations as long as you are fit to do so… so get back on the sober wagon and show him how strong you really are…


This happened to me. I left because he was cheating. He has full custody of his son. Unfortunately, his mom passed away when he was 3 so I’m the only mom he knows. His son is my baby and he stopped me and my daughter from seeing him. We didn’t see him or talk to him for a year. Finally, my exes best friend convinced him to let my son back into our lives. I’m happy to say me and my children now spend a lot of time together. Hang in there sis and don’t give up on your son. If he has a phone text and call him. Go to his school and have lunch with him. Keep praying and don’t give up!

Please take care of yourself and get sober. Get counseling. Take care of your little girl. Both kids will see the truth someday. Just be sure to validate her feelings always. “I know it hurts a lot to not see Daddy. I would help you to see him if I could.”
If you have the funds, see a lawyer about your rights to the boy. Send him love and light a couple times daily if you have to. Sit in a calm, quiet room and envision the love and light flowing from your heart to his. I did this for a foster child once that left my home to a bad situation. I feel it actually helped him and it sure helped me. One day at a time. We can only do what we can do. You are doing the best you can. I am proud of you for leaving. May God bless.

Actually, depending on the state, you may be able to file for visitation rights with the step-son as a defacto parent.

1 Like

Trust in the Lord. Surround yourself with people who will have a positive impact on your life.

God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference. Remember this. Your recovery is so important! Your health is important and YOU are important! Dont give up!

1 Like

Get sober things will look clearer

Get yourself together. Take care of your daughter. Leave him out of conversation with her. Get a lawyer, file for child support and divorce his ass & move on. No man is worth all this stress. Look out for you and your daughter. You can do this have Faith.


Have you tried for custody of him? Since you were married I’m sure you have some rights you may not get custody but visitation at least. Ik that you can petition the court for custody of any child doesn’t mean the court will grant it but it’s an option