My fiance doesn't want to have kids and I do: Advice?

I’m 27 and have a 5 yr old little boy (he’s not biologically mine, but he is mine). He’s my world, and I love him to pieces. My s/o is an amazing man. We have a wonderful relationship, and I couldn’t ask for anyone better. Today, the topic of babies came up, and he told me he isn’t ready ‘yet,’ and he doesn’t know when he will be…but I am. I know it’s a mutual decision, and I’d NEVER try to ‘trap him’ or guilt him into it. I have reproductive issues; PCOS, previous history of cervical cancer, and some vaginal scarring from sexual abuse. Add that on top of me approaching my fertility decline, I’m terrified I’ll miss my chance. I’m scared when he’s finally ready if he ever is that it will be too late, all things considered, and that I’ll resent him for it, and that maybe he’ll resent me for not being able to conceive when/if he’s finally ready. I told him I didn’t mean that we’d start tomorrow… but within the near future (1-2 years?), it would be ideal… He could tell it bothered me, but I tried my hardest to bite my quivering lip and hold back the tears…I don’t want him to feel pressured because of my strong feelings and desire to have a baby. He’s sound asleep, and I’m up, with tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat, and the inability to shake this extreme feeling of disappointment and heartbreak… Am I dramatic? What do I do? I’m so lost… Thanks for any insight.

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Honestly, it won’t work out imo. I’ve seen many relationships fail because one spouse didn’t want kids while the other longed for them.

Don’t marry them, find someone better who suits what you want better.

Edit:
Since people want to argue.
Let me explain my reasoning.

I went through a relationship for 6 years where someone wasn’t sure they’d ever want kids. It was hell having to wait, knowing that they’d maybe not ever get there.

I don’t necessarily think everyone should “run”, but after awhile if there’s no more energy left waiting, or they decide that they are against said thing you want, then there IS someone better suited for you out there.

People may not like to hear it, but sometimes “running” is the best option. :clap:t2::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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Just be honest and tell him exactly how you’re feeling. That’s all you really can do :frowning:

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I can see why you feel the way you do. He could wake up next week and be ready and that’s not to give you false hope but not being ready could be days, weeks or months. It doesn’t have to be years.
But that being said, if he isn’t ready and you are worried about the amount of time it takes to conceive it might be necessary to think about if this relationship is worth taking a gamble on the possibility of him wanting a child is worth waiting for. There is no easy decision and I am sorry you are going through this.

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Personally, I wouldn’t get married until he gave a straight answer. If he’s in his late 20s, that’s still early for some men. My brother is 29 and has always said he’s not ready to have a baby, but just got his gf prego and realized he’s now “ready.” Same with my sister, she always said she never wanted kids. But got prego when she was 27, and loves it. It’s one thing to not want kids ever and another to not be ready. I would have another conversation and let him tell you which. Don’t get married until you have a concrete answer. And don’t wait forever. Good luck!

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Honestly 1-2 years is a long time away, he will probably come around before that. Get married and worry about it later, all he said is he isn’t ready right now and you are jumping to the conclusion he doesn’t want them.

I was told by a doctor that I’d never have kids because of my PCOS and that my body just wouldn’t ovulate, literally a month after we were told to start looking at other options I was pregnant with my daughter. And I was 30, so 27 is still young, you got time, I know 45 years having kids with PCOS and had cervical cancer in her 30s and had a baby no problem.

You worry if in 2 years he still isn’t ready, then that’s when the hard questions starts

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I’m 10 years older than you are and planning on having another child in the near future (hopefully). I spoke to my doctor about it and she assured me women can have babies into their 40’s. I think you should talk to your obgyn about your health and concerns about waiting for a baby.
I personally told my now fiancee, when we started dating that I wasn’t sure I wanted more kids. Fast forward a few months later and I knew I wanted one more, with him.
You have to communicate your concerns with him when you are both calm and can have an open, honest talk about it. If you can’t express your feelings about this which is very important to you, what else will you be able to discuss?

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I think tell him straight up you have so and so amount of years to safely get pregnant and that you want to have a child before then. Tell him to give you a straight answer. Then make your decision. You dont need to leave your relationship like all this people are telling you to. You can definitely get married and not have kids. You make the decision if he says no,if you love him enough to live without kids. Personally,i wouldn’t leave my husband because he doesnt want to have a child and i do.

I think you should get an answer. Is he just not ready, or does he never want kids? If he isnt ready, you cant force him to be, but he eventually will be ready. If he doesnt want kids at all, that is a deal breaker to me. And i wish we knew how long yall have been together. If hes just not ready, dont break up and try to find someone who is. Because that doesn’t make sense and is weird lol you still need to date someone else long enough…and by the time you find a new guy and get serious enough for kids, your current wonderful man will probably be ready.

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Honestly this should be a topic that should be discussed early on in a relationship. So many realtionships fail because 1 doesnt feel the same about having. Children. Secondly I’m 40 years old amd just had a baby. Yes advance maternal age is a thing but people make it out way more of a thing than it is. I was considered high risk and my was a few weeks early but nothing’s impossible. If hes set on not having any more than better to know and weigh or options to move on if this is what u truly want or u may regret it later on in life if u stay with someone who doesnt want children. Good luck to you.

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Now is the time for answers. Make sure that he 100% wants kids in the future or not. Find out if he’s just not really ready now or if he never wants kids. It will save you the time and heartache later if he doesn’t want kids ever. If he does want them just not now then work on the relationship and worry about kids later. I know you might have time working against you but it’s better to not push him to agree on kids if he really doesn’t want them. It will only end badly.

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Have a serious heart to heart…let him understand time is not on your side. If he sticks to his decision then its up to you to decide stay with no kids or move on and you might meet someone to have kids with. Children are not important to some guys. I know some guys will support the family but stay doing what they want away from the home. They are into themselves and doing what they like.

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Make sure to tell him kids are 100% in your plans and if he doesn’t have the same vision your going to have to move on. Sometimes men take a while to be ready but they do want kids and sometimes they just don’t want them period. It’s gonna be hard but you have to have a serious sit down with him about this and be ready to walk away if he’s not on board. Otherwise you’d have to decide if this is a compromise your willing to let go if he doesn’t want kids

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These are one of those make or break topics. There’s literally no compromise on this type of issue.

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Your desire is legitimate.

You need to find out if he will ever be ready. If he knows he doesnt ever want a baby with you. Then you will have to decide if you can accept that or not

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Of course you aren’t dramatic. Not having children is a dealbreaker for me. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then you need to have a serious talk with him and determine if and when he will be ready to have a child because it is a dealbreaker for you. If you are financially able to, you should look into extracting and freezing your eggs so that in the future, if it is “too late”, at least you will have frozen eggs to fall back on so that you haven’t completely missed your chance.

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It takes time. It’s a very scary thing for men, they feel the burden of providing financial stability (even if mom works as well). Especially if he has a child from a failed relationship. After one “oopsie” baby I was going to get my tubes tied because birth control is horrible for my body, I just don’t react well to it and my (now) husband was very adamant he didn’t want more children. When it came time to make my appointment we both realized we weren’t done and decided to have one more. Our perfect little girl was born exactly a week ago and our family is blissfully complete. Have a serious, deep conversation with you SO. Ask him what it is he’s waiting for, what is it that makes him feel like he isn’t ready? And be honest with him. Soul bearingly honest. It’s not manipulation, just share your fears and emotions with him. He may not understand your “rush” entirely just from seeing that you’re upset.
Waiting for “the right time” rarely ever happens. There’s always one more “if we just…” buy a house, save more money, get a better job, whatever. In the end the perfect time is when you’re both emotionally ready :heart:

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If it means that much then maybe look for someone else but before you do I suggest you tell him exactly how you feel

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The best that ng you can do is just be completely honest with him about your concerns. :heart: It sounds like you both have a good relationship with one another so you should feel safe talking to him and hopefully he will respect your feelings as well.